what it feels like...

Depression hit me like a ton of bricks falling squarely on my head. I miss you. Not that I wasn't missing you before, but this time it overwhelms me. Is this what life's going to be like? Loving you, missing you with not a clear idea of when it will be over...

I wanted to hate myself, to hate you for making me feel this way. Instead, it only becomes clear (as if it wasn't before), that I love you with all of my heart. Not hearing your voice, knowing you are farther away, knowing you are where you should be, next to her, brought pain in my heart, killing me slowly with each passing second.

What am I to you? A question without an answer... Will I ever know? Should I just walk away? Would you want me to stay? Still more questions...

In the end... I love you.

Loving you...

Love came unexpectedly. I tried so hard to ignore it, deny it ever came, forget I ever felt it, wished it wasn't you. I tried and I failed. Yes, I did all those things, but all for nothing. Love is not something to be ignored, nor can it be denied once it made it's presence known. It is not something one can forget nor can one choose the one they love.

I love you. And for the first time in my life, I have stopped searching. There is no urge to escape, no longing for something undefined... just a calm acceptance of the truth, that I am in love with you. Loving you has brought me immense happiness. Even if we're miles apart, even though you are not mine to have. All that matters not. I can keep on missing you, but I cannot stop myself from loving you.