And so the question resurfaced… a question of long ago. We never gave it a chance, never faced the truth of what we had. Are we going to let it go unanswered again, for another twenty years or so? What exactly are we afraid of?
It all seems unfair. It almost brought me back to yesterday. You left, with no goodbyes… with me wondering where I went wrong or if I misread what I saw in your eyes. Did I? Am I making the same mistake now? Did I see something that wasn’t there to begin with? Now I am sorry. Sorry that I tried to be honest with how I feel. Sorry that I tried to find out the truth, sorry that I gave myself a chance, sorry to have thought that maybe for once I was wrong and you were right.
I always forget that other people are not like me. Sometimes, not knowing is better than having the knowledge that can only hurt the people we hold dear. I know myself. I should have been stronger for both of us. I know how it feels to hurt other people and how to get hurt in return. Did I not master that concept trying to get to where I am now? But it seems that I failed to learn the lesson that was taught.
Yes, I know. You belong to someone else. You share with her that elusive "spark" we all strive to find in our lifetime. But what exactly did we have? Yes, I say that now as I see and feel it, all a part of the past. It is what I have known all along. The minute we strive for something beyond our friendship, is the minute we start losing what we have… each other.
Lines from an old song come to mind…
"What do we mean to each other, am I friend am I lover or is over now? If this is it then my brother, tell me where do we take it from here? What do we mean to each other am I friend am I lover or is it over now? Do you love me still or do you just mean well?"
I guess whatever questions we might have will indeed remain unanswered. I will never ask because now I am afraid to know the answer. I will never say anything because I do not want to burden you any further. I might feel guilty for my own reasons, but I do not regret, nor will I ever look at what we shared as a mistake that needed to be set right.
This I think says a lot… an old love song…
The flowers that you gave me
Are just about to die
When I think about what could've been
Makes me want to cry
The sweet words you whispered
Didn't mean a thing
I guess our song is over
As we begin to sing
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
Could've been my lover
Everyday of my life
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
I'll never know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night
The memories of our lovin'
Still linger in the air
Like the faded scent of your roses
Stay with me everywhere
Everytime I get my hopes up
They always seem to fall
Still what could've been
Is better than what could never be at all
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
Could've been my lover
Everyday of my life
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
You can't know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
You can't know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night
Ni-ooh-ight
Ni-ooh-ight
How can you know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night
On cold and lonely nights, I do not think anymore of what could have been. I never dream for something more. Nor do I wish for the unattainable. I can only think of what I am missing, my friend by my side.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
One who could not stay...
Goodnight
(- Helena Henderson )
Gladly would I hold you
Close, and drink your darkness.
The hidden, landlocked ocean
Of tears shed and unshed
She said.
But not aloud. So one ran lightly
Up the narrow staircase
To his unlighted windows.
And one who could not stay
Drove away.
Gladly would I hold you
Close, and drink your darkness.
The hidden, landlocked ocean
Of tears shed and unshed
She said.
But not aloud. So one ran lightly
Up the narrow staircase
To his unlighted windows.
And one who could not stay
Drove away.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
lest I forget...
Internal Exile
- Rachel Loden
What you will not dream
is forced on you
in the mirror,
drags in your mouth
like a toungue...
The orchid boat
drifts empty
through the stars.
Why must you lie down
where there are no flowers?
What you will not live
eats through the closet
like a moth,
is fattened
on a meal of dust.
You have gone
to that distant city
as some enter a shrine,
not to worship
but to be forgotten.
- Rachel Loden
What you will not dream
is forced on you
in the mirror,
drags in your mouth
like a toungue...
The orchid boat
drifts empty
through the stars.
Why must you lie down
where there are no flowers?
What you will not live
eats through the closet
like a moth,
is fattened
on a meal of dust.
You have gone
to that distant city
as some enter a shrine,
not to worship
but to be forgotten.
Monday, June 18, 2007
ending confusion...
Almost a month and nothing to show for it. It was never really about confusion, but more of a refusal to face the consequences of what it could all mean... for me. I have been in love, maybe still is in love for all I know. I've been hurt to the point where I cared not if I were to die. Years... it took years for me to finally see hope that the hurting will finally end. And now that I do, it might just be all for nothing.
You made me forget and helped me find happiness, yes. For that I shall forever be thankful. But in doing so, we somehow managed to both forget the consequences of our actions. But life has a way of balancing things out. I have never lied to myself and will not start doing so now. The time that we shared, the kiss that started it all, and what happened afterwards... I know it means more than what I am willing to admit... and will probably never admit. It already took so long in coming that I almost missed it altogether. But it did come, and it did happen, and I know eventually... it will hurt. But before it does, I will treasure these moments of happiness. Lying alone in my bed, I think of you. Sleeping, I dream of you. As I go about my business everyday, I miss you. If I want to label what it is I'm going through, then I guess I could say I am falling for you (if I haven't already fallen, but of course I will never admit that). I like this fragile kind of freedom that knowing you has given me. It is not perfect, it can still go either way, but it is the first chance I've had to be free to choose... to stay in love with a dream or to try and find my reality. I chose to find reality, but not to find it in you. In this day and age, a lot of people still believe in fairy tales... in happy endings. I also wish for a happy ending, but I will not wish it with you. You have your own happy ending and it is not with me.
I never meant for any of these to happen, but it did. I can say I'm sorry, but I'm not. In fact, I am glad, it might be a little too late, and we were both out of line, but how can I say sorry for something that made me happy? We might continue to travel different paths, continue to live separate lives... but I will always remember that point in time, where our paths met and our lives crossed to create that magical moment, something to remember you by, something to make me smile... a time when I was yours, and for a moment you were mine.
You made me forget and helped me find happiness, yes. For that I shall forever be thankful. But in doing so, we somehow managed to both forget the consequences of our actions. But life has a way of balancing things out. I have never lied to myself and will not start doing so now. The time that we shared, the kiss that started it all, and what happened afterwards... I know it means more than what I am willing to admit... and will probably never admit. It already took so long in coming that I almost missed it altogether. But it did come, and it did happen, and I know eventually... it will hurt. But before it does, I will treasure these moments of happiness. Lying alone in my bed, I think of you. Sleeping, I dream of you. As I go about my business everyday, I miss you. If I want to label what it is I'm going through, then I guess I could say I am falling for you (if I haven't already fallen, but of course I will never admit that). I like this fragile kind of freedom that knowing you has given me. It is not perfect, it can still go either way, but it is the first chance I've had to be free to choose... to stay in love with a dream or to try and find my reality. I chose to find reality, but not to find it in you. In this day and age, a lot of people still believe in fairy tales... in happy endings. I also wish for a happy ending, but I will not wish it with you. You have your own happy ending and it is not with me.
I never meant for any of these to happen, but it did. I can say I'm sorry, but I'm not. In fact, I am glad, it might be a little too late, and we were both out of line, but how can I say sorry for something that made me happy? We might continue to travel different paths, continue to live separate lives... but I will always remember that point in time, where our paths met and our lives crossed to create that magical moment, something to remember you by, something to make me smile... a time when I was yours, and for a moment you were mine.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
a dream towards reality...
"Only fools dream of the one thing they can't have."
"I dreamed the dream of you. It was a sweet dream... while it lasted."
- - - excerpts from the First Knight.
I love you sweetheart. For the longest time, I have been in love with you. For years I have kept this feeling inside of me and moved on with my life. I would rather have spent those years with you, showing you how I feel, to share with you something special, to build a life with you, to wake up in the morning with you beside me, create memories that we can look back to together when we are old. But all that... was only a dream. A dream that I am slowly waking up from.
Precious times spent with you were few and far in between. There were more heartaches to overshadow those memories of you, but for some reason, your smile, your laughter, the gentleness with which you held my hand, your kiss... they stayed and made life without you somewhat bearable. I've been to hell and back just trying to get over you... year after year I hoped for a miracle, something to ease the pain of loving you and not have you in my life. It never came, till now.
Stepping beyond the boundaries of loving you and into the unknown scares me the most. For years, I have hoped, wished and even prayed that you would find it in your heart to tell me the truth. You never did... that hurt me the most, not knowing why. Maybe the answers will still come, maybe not... it can only happen in it's own good time. All my life is because of you... but now I am beginning to see me.
I do not wish for a new beginning, I do not wish to forget, but rather I want life to continue and for me to remember that dream of you, for it took me to where I am, made me to what I am and showed me what I can still be. I love you, maybe I always will, but you will be my dream and part of my memory... and hopefully one day, someone else can be part of my life and become my reality.
"I dreamed the dream of you. It was a sweet dream... while it lasted."
- - - excerpts from the First Knight.
I love you sweetheart. For the longest time, I have been in love with you. For years I have kept this feeling inside of me and moved on with my life. I would rather have spent those years with you, showing you how I feel, to share with you something special, to build a life with you, to wake up in the morning with you beside me, create memories that we can look back to together when we are old. But all that... was only a dream. A dream that I am slowly waking up from.
Precious times spent with you were few and far in between. There were more heartaches to overshadow those memories of you, but for some reason, your smile, your laughter, the gentleness with which you held my hand, your kiss... they stayed and made life without you somewhat bearable. I've been to hell and back just trying to get over you... year after year I hoped for a miracle, something to ease the pain of loving you and not have you in my life. It never came, till now.
Stepping beyond the boundaries of loving you and into the unknown scares me the most. For years, I have hoped, wished and even prayed that you would find it in your heart to tell me the truth. You never did... that hurt me the most, not knowing why. Maybe the answers will still come, maybe not... it can only happen in it's own good time. All my life is because of you... but now I am beginning to see me.
I do not wish for a new beginning, I do not wish to forget, but rather I want life to continue and for me to remember that dream of you, for it took me to where I am, made me to what I am and showed me what I can still be. I love you, maybe I always will, but you will be my dream and part of my memory... and hopefully one day, someone else can be part of my life and become my reality.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
convincing myself otherwise...
I miss you. This is such an odd thing to say, at least for me. Till a few weeks back, all I've been missing is a person from my past. Someone that's been conspicuously absent, but nevetheless part of my life. Missing him had been natural, but right now, I am missing you... why? The answer evades me, or should I say I am evading the answer?
I promised myself not to place too much meaning into that kiss. It was something that just happened, never planned, certainly not forseen, totally unexpected, but nevertheless inevitable. Yes, I see that now. Do you remember that first time you kissed me? Long ago, on top of a mountain, overlooking the bay? We were taking in the view, it was breathtaking. We were holding hands, you turned to look at me, and I looked at you, and we kissed. And that was more breathtaking than anything else at that time. Ah, the innocence of youth. The promise of tomorrow... never realized. I could say it was easier to move on, but in truth, life moved and we have to move with it. Memories were tucked away, until now...
Years have come and gone. We've lived our own lives. Was it destiny or was it fate that decided to play a trick on us, to let our paths cross again, to make it possible to see each other once more, to let us remember what it was like, to build memories together, and to share one more kiss...breathtaking. But I promised myself, and you... well...
We've always been friends, back then and now. And if everything else fades into memory again, I will always feel blessed to have you as part of my life.
I promised myself not to place too much meaning into that kiss. It was something that just happened, never planned, certainly not forseen, totally unexpected, but nevertheless inevitable. Yes, I see that now. Do you remember that first time you kissed me? Long ago, on top of a mountain, overlooking the bay? We were taking in the view, it was breathtaking. We were holding hands, you turned to look at me, and I looked at you, and we kissed. And that was more breathtaking than anything else at that time. Ah, the innocence of youth. The promise of tomorrow... never realized. I could say it was easier to move on, but in truth, life moved and we have to move with it. Memories were tucked away, until now...
Years have come and gone. We've lived our own lives. Was it destiny or was it fate that decided to play a trick on us, to let our paths cross again, to make it possible to see each other once more, to let us remember what it was like, to build memories together, and to share one more kiss...breathtaking. But I promised myself, and you... well...
We've always been friends, back then and now. And if everything else fades into memory again, I will always feel blessed to have you as part of my life.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
here's to a little hope...
I have but one certainty in my life... that I love you, sweetheart. Only now, this is slowly becoming a certainty of the past. I will not say that I am over you... no, not yet. I cannot say that I don't love you anymore, for that would be a lie. But maybe, just maybe, there is hope.
Hope did not come easy nor is it without a price. But right now, I am just glad that it did. For now, I can feel that loving you need not hurt me as much, missing you is not as bad. I do not know how long this feeling will last, but I intend to enjoy it as much as I can, if only to have some moments of peace to tide me over should you come back full force to make me realize that there can only be you.
Long ago, a friend told me this, "Love took you captive... it is also love that will set you free." I never took it seriously, how can I when there was only you? All this time, you have always been in my mind and in my heart. Not a day pass by that I don't think of you. Not a thought escape my consciousness without you in it. Not till one weekend...
A weekend... when all thoughts of you left me, all because of one kiss. A kiss and what came afterwards opened a door for me to finally find hope. To let me reluctantly believe that maybe, there is life without you. To others, it would seem like a typical weekend, but to me, it was something else... and for the first time in years, I was happy. It was a weekend where I was able to let go and just live for the moment.
To the one who made it happen, you will never know how much it all meant to me. I look back to our time together and know that it will help me keep the hope alive. We have our own lives to live and like a line from a movie, "our destinies have always been intertwined, but never joined." It matters not that there is no us, but I am blessed to have had a you, me and a memory.
Hope did not come easy nor is it without a price. But right now, I am just glad that it did. For now, I can feel that loving you need not hurt me as much, missing you is not as bad. I do not know how long this feeling will last, but I intend to enjoy it as much as I can, if only to have some moments of peace to tide me over should you come back full force to make me realize that there can only be you.
Long ago, a friend told me this, "Love took you captive... it is also love that will set you free." I never took it seriously, how can I when there was only you? All this time, you have always been in my mind and in my heart. Not a day pass by that I don't think of you. Not a thought escape my consciousness without you in it. Not till one weekend...
A weekend... when all thoughts of you left me, all because of one kiss. A kiss and what came afterwards opened a door for me to finally find hope. To let me reluctantly believe that maybe, there is life without you. To others, it would seem like a typical weekend, but to me, it was something else... and for the first time in years, I was happy. It was a weekend where I was able to let go and just live for the moment.
To the one who made it happen, you will never know how much it all meant to me. I look back to our time together and know that it will help me keep the hope alive. We have our own lives to live and like a line from a movie, "our destinies have always been intertwined, but never joined." It matters not that there is no us, but I am blessed to have had a you, me and a memory.
Monday, June 04, 2007
a complicated life
I miss you, you said. Do you know that, you asked. I should have said yes, because in truth, I am missing you too. But I said no, I do not want to expect because I might get disappointed.
What a waste. Word play... the things people would do and say to protect oneself from getting hurt. Yes, I am finding out that I can still get hurt. I found myself confused at being happy for the first time in years... because of you.
And so I said, I miss you too, you should know that. Only now, you said, because nothing was ever said before. Honesty, when should it start and when should it end? And where will it lead us?... ah yes, it is indeed a complicated life.
What a waste. Word play... the things people would do and say to protect oneself from getting hurt. Yes, I am finding out that I can still get hurt. I found myself confused at being happy for the first time in years... because of you.
And so I said, I miss you too, you should know that. Only now, you said, because nothing was ever said before. Honesty, when should it start and when should it end? And where will it lead us?... ah yes, it is indeed a complicated life.
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