random thoughts

I miss you... in my mind your smile comes alive, your touch warms my senses, your kiss... ah!

I love you... rarely expressed, but nevertheless felt. The truth, though hiddden is still very much my reality.

Tears... only mine to shed, helpless but resigned, needing but never asking... still one can hope.

Someday... you and me as one.

aimless wandering...

You once asked me, what am I passionate about? What is the one thing that I really believe in, enough for me to sacrifice everything I have to be able to keep it. To be honest, I have never given it any thought... not until I lost it.

I am passionate about life. I believe in it so much that no amount of hurt or pain would make me want to curtail it. I've been hurt so bad, to the point of wishing myself dead... but still I live. Yet now, I feel that very same passion ebb away. Losing a life, so closely connected to one's own... yes, I can feel myself dying a little everyday.

Yet I live... with enough life left in me to love you... and yet, it will never be the same.

Sorry...

Sorry. Somehow, that doesn't seem to be enough. I've failed you in the worst possible way... there was nothing I could do, simply because I did not know.

Nothing was planned, it wasn't expected, I was caught totally off guard. And for that, I suffer. The truth hurts more than I can bear right now, it pains me more than any physical discomfort I had to endure. And right now, I hate myself... for not knowing, for failing you, and for not having the guts to tell you the truth.

Sorry... somehow saying it always fails to convey its meaning.

Ignorance...

How do you lose something you never knew you had? How do you deal with the loss when you never had the pleasure of knowing? How can you possible grasp the reason, when logic is not what it seemed?

I never knew... such a lame excuse. Seems to be happening to me a lot these days. I should have known... but who am I kidding? Aside from the fact that I found myself overwhelmingly in love with you, I know of nothing else since I got myself into this situation. Sad, isn't it?

There are no regrets, only profound sadness. In time, this too shall pass. One can only hope...

too late, too soon...

Sometimes I wish that there are words to express how I feel. Somehow, saying I love you can never be enough. Words create stories, sometimes sad, oftentimes amusing... but words also hide secrets, of real feelings, of immense hurt, of love.


I too wonder why words escape me whenever you're around. It's not that I do not have stories to tell, but somehow , making small talk when the most important thing in the world is not clear is beyond me. I'm so sorry to disappoint you, but I am just not myself. It gets too hard at times to stop myself that it would appear that I do not care.


Silence... yes, I do indulge in that a lot... I guess too much sometimes that it annoys you. But what is it that you expect me to say, when you say nothing at all. I do not ask for much, just something to let me know what you want from me... where you want me to be in your life, if you want me at all. I know it is not my place to ask for anything... but I think even I deserve that much.

I love you... you must know that. There's nothing that I'd like more than be by your side. But maybe you're right... I was too late.

my eternity...

What do you say to the person you love, when it's taking all your will power to stop yourself from saying I love you? How do you act in front of him, when you cannot show how much you care? What can you talk about, when you cannot share the future? When you shouldn't even have a past? How do you live today, when there is no tomorrow and yesterday is but a dream?

Yesterday is gone, Now they are only memories, something to keep me company in the days to come, something to make me smile, definitely cry, and maybe... give me some comfort, a tiny flicker of hope that someday, whatever we couldn't have in the yesteryear... we could have for eternity.

Tomorrow?... my mind draws a blank... without you, there is no tomorrow. I could spend my entire lifetime going through the motions of living... but without you... there is no life.

Today, now... you are here with me. And though it pains me to think how little time we have... today at least, I am alive, free for a while to love you. Just for today, there is only us... the forever I will keep in my heart. An eternity lived in a day with you.