Hello Sweetheart,
I know you're doing fine. Better than I am, but I don't hold that against you. In fact I'm glad. I would have been more devastated if you were not okay.
Sometimes it scares me how time seem to go so fast. But most of all, it scares me that even though a long time had passed, it would seem that I am still living in yesterday. Yes, it still feels like I am living in yesterday. In a time where you looked at me with love in your eyes. A time where I felt happy, content, and secure in the knowledge that no matter what happens, everything will turn out right because you are with me. But that time is long gone. More than a decade if I care to count the years. You were in my life for such a short period of time that it really amazes me why you’re still in my thoughts and in my heart. I know I should have gotten over you by now, forgotten you a little even. But no, you are still very much alive in me. You are still a part of me even though we have been apart for longer than I can remember. Remember when I told you that you have my heart? That is true. I have given you my heart because I know I love you with all of me. Now that we are apart, I have most of myself except my heart.
I haven’t gotten far in trying to get over you. I don’t think I ever will. But still I will try. I owe it to myself, but most of all, I have to find a way to fulfill a promise that I made, to be happy. In retrospect I know I shouldn’t have made that promise. It is not even logically possible. But I have never broken a promise before, and I don’t intend to do so now.
I am not sure how I can do this. I have tried anger… at the thought that you did not even listen to me, much less try to understand or make me understand what went wrong. I even went through that denial stage… begging to be heard, asking for forgiveness (even though I don’t understand what I needed to ask forgiveness for), acceptance that it is really over, even berating myself that you never really loved me at all, that all we had was not real, that you were just playing with my feelings, that what I felt, what I saw, what I knew to be true, was all on me, never you.
I went through all the emotions, but in the end, there is still you, in my heart. Now I am just tired, but I will try again. Not to forget, not to stop loving you, but only to be happy without you.
