almost lover...

Words might remain unuttered, feelings rarely shown. Fate holding us back, distance keeping us apart. When all is said and done, no matter how things turn out to be... know one thing to be true, I love you.

goodbye sweetheart

And so it came to pass, I can now honestly say that I loved you... I did, but no more. For more than ten years, you have been my life. The memory of you kept me alive. Before the memory of what once was fade into nothing, I'd like to say goodbye...

For everything that you made me feel, for what came afterwards, for everything that led me to where I am... thank you. Little did I realize, as I run away from your memory, I've been running towards my forever...

more questions...

How do you stop yourself from falling in love? More so, how do you stop loving someone? Will time and distance help in forgetting? Or will it only serve to heighten the feeling of loss, of missing that person, of wanting to be with him?

I wish I knew the answers, maybe then I would know what to do. Because right now, I'm at a loss, and I am lost without you...

Fallen

Friends turned into lovers... can we still be friends?
I should have been stronger for us.
You should have listened to me.
I should not have fallen for you...
But I did.
My fault?
Yours?
Fate?
Love?

miracle wanted

You called asking why I haven't been calling you. I said, "I didn't want to bother you because I know you're busy." And you said, you're not, not for my calls anyway. And then you asked if I was sulking because you haven't called me. I said no, because it would be a waste of time to do that. To which you said it's not. So I just said, I'm busy, you're busy, so not calling is ok.

The truth? I miss you so much it hurts. I am forcing myself not to call you, not to think of you... to maybe turn back time and forget I ever fell in love with you. But I can't. Most of the time I can stop myself from calling you, but I cannot stop myself from thinking of you. Nor can I help it when I miss you... to get over loving you? I need another miracle.

This morning, driving to get some errands done, I was suddenly hit by overwhelming sadness. With tears streaming down my face, I pulled over to get a hold of myself. What I feared is here.

Missing you, loving you has taken it's toll.

Still, to this day... I love you.

full circle...

People always say, "everything happens for a reason", only it is up to us to find what that reason could be.


I never questioned why you came back into my life. I just figured, the timing must have been right for me to find you again. And I am glad for the friendship we shared, something that never got affected with the passing of time and the distance between us... maybe... till now.

Time has never been on our side, I should have known that. It was time that robbed us of a chance to explore life together back then. Destiny intervened and gave us another chance to be together once more. But as before, time stepped in. We were too late. Do we wait another twenty years? Do we even have that much time? We never do...

A few hours out of a lifetime... enough to love you. At times when all is quiet, I see you and wish... for a lifetime together instead of just a few hours, to be able to hold your hand, see you smile, hear you laugh, to wake up next to you, or just watch you sleep, but most of all, for the chance to show you how much I do love you. I don't say it much, maybe not even show it at times, but that's just the way it has to be... because you are not mine.

I love you and I miss you... but I miss my friend too. Life has already taken so much that I sometimes wonder exactly what it has given me. But then, of course, it comes full circle... you.

to love somebody...

Just when I thought I was too numb to feel
you came along and showed me what is real
for a moment time stopped allowing me to see
what life could have been if I have you with me

but then, that was just a dream
something that I would not want to wish
for I love you enough to let you be
with someone you love even though it is not me.

missing you...

I see your smile, I hear your laughter, I feel your touch... all seem real, but they are not. It's in my mind, the memory you left behind, the reason why I stay sane while I miss you.

second chances...

Hello. The only word that came to mind when I laid eyes on you again. When you left, I thought that would be the last. Our goodbye. But, you came back... only for a while, and was gone again. Part of me was glad, seeing you, holding you, reliving the magic that we found not so long ago. I almost wished that we could be together, but I did not.

Words never said were finally uttered. Feelings that were denied finally set free. Ah, if only life were that simple... And so, for the second time we said goodbye, and while still tucked safely in your arms, I put away this memory... thanked whatever brought you back, but stopped short of wishing.

you in me...

Looking out the window, looking into my soul, I see you. Slowly, I am finding my place, my little bit of heaven, my moment of bliss. For a moment, doubt crept in, causing me pain, filling me with sorrow. But... my heart felt you and my doubts went away.

I love you. It is only right that I say how I feel about you. You've always said I should know how you feel, and I guess I do, for you have shown me. Still, I know in my heart I wish to hear those words from you, if only to keep it in my memory.

It amazes me how you make me feel. Happy... content...secure... in the knowledge that there is something special between us. Time and distance matters not. In my mind and in my heart, you are here, with me... always.

Untitled

A shore that witnessed countless sunsets
A wave to wipe away traces of the past
A freedom to create new memories to treasure
A hope to strengthen my heart came at last

A cry to the heavens
A wish for forever
A certainty of nothing
A love time denied

A feeling of helplessness
A body longing for your touch
A mind overcoming the odds
A heart beating for your love

A past that gave me sweet memories
A now that is spent miles apart
A future that was promised nothing
A moment of you and me as one

Dare I go on, or should I walk away?
Live a life knowing, yet always denying
That what we have is stronger than who we are
Together forever, but still worlds apart.

-----maria

what could've been... what I lost...

And so the question resurfaced… a question of long ago. We never gave it a chance, never faced the truth of what we had. Are we going to let it go unanswered again, for another twenty years or so? What exactly are we afraid of?

It all seems unfair. It almost brought me back to yesterday. You left, with no goodbyes… with me wondering where I went wrong or if I misread what I saw in your eyes. Did I? Am I making the same mistake now? Did I see something that wasn’t there to begin with? Now I am sorry. Sorry that I tried to be honest with how I feel. Sorry that I tried to find out the truth, sorry that I gave myself a chance, sorry to have thought that maybe for once I was wrong and you were right.

I always forget that other people are not like me. Sometimes, not knowing is better than having the knowledge that can only hurt the people we hold dear. I know myself. I should have been stronger for both of us. I know how it feels to hurt other people and how to get hurt in return. Did I not master that concept trying to get to where I am now? But it seems that I failed to learn the lesson that was taught.

Yes, I know. You belong to someone else. You share with her that elusive "spark" we all strive to find in our lifetime. But what exactly did we have? Yes, I say that now as I see and feel it, all a part of the past. It is what I have known all along. The minute we strive for something beyond our friendship, is the minute we start losing what we have… each other.

Lines from an old song come to mind…

"What do we mean to each other, am I friend am I lover or is over now? If this is it then my brother, tell me where do we take it from here? What do we mean to each other am I friend am I lover or is it over now? Do you love me still or do you just mean well?"

I guess whatever questions we might have will indeed remain unanswered. I will never ask because now I am afraid to know the answer. I will never say anything because I do not want to burden you any further. I might feel guilty for my own reasons, but I do not regret, nor will I ever look at what we shared as a mistake that needed to be set right.

This I think says a lot… an old love song…

The flowers that you gave me
Are just about to die
When I think about what could've been
Makes me want to cry
The sweet words you whispered
Didn't mean a thing
I guess our song is over
As we begin to sing

Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
Could've been my lover
Everyday of my life
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
I'll never know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night

The memories of our lovin'
Still linger in the air
Like the faded scent of your roses
Stay with me everywhere
Everytime I get my hopes up
They always seem to fall
Still what could've been
Is better than what could never be at all

Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
Could've been my lover
Everyday of my life
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
You can't know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night

Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
You can't know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night
Ni-ooh-ight
Ni-ooh-ight
How can you know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night

On cold and lonely nights, I do not think anymore of what could have been. I never dream for something more. Nor do I wish for the unattainable. I can only think of what I am missing, my friend by my side.

One who could not stay...

Goodnight

(- Helena Henderson )

Gladly would I hold you
Close, and drink your darkness.
The hidden, landlocked ocean
Of tears shed and unshed
She said.

But not aloud. So one ran lightly
Up the narrow staircase
To his unlighted windows.
And one who could not stay
Drove away.

lest I forget...

Internal Exile
- Rachel Loden

What you will not dream
is forced on you
in the mirror,
drags in your mouth
like a toungue...

The orchid boat
drifts empty
through the stars.
Why must you lie down
where there are no flowers?

What you will not live
eats through the closet
like a moth,
is fattened
on a meal of dust.

You have gone
to that distant city
as some enter a shrine,
not to worship
but to be forgotten.

ending confusion...

Almost a month and nothing to show for it. It was never really about confusion, but more of a refusal to face the consequences of what it could all mean... for me. I have been in love, maybe still is in love for all I know. I've been hurt to the point where I cared not if I were to die. Years... it took years for me to finally see hope that the hurting will finally end. And now that I do, it might just be all for nothing.

You made me forget and helped me find happiness, yes. For that I shall forever be thankful. But in doing so, we somehow managed to both forget the consequences of our actions. But life has a way of balancing things out. I have never lied to myself and will not start doing so now. The time that we shared, the kiss that started it all, and what happened afterwards... I know it means more than what I am willing to admit... and will probably never admit. It already took so long in coming that I almost missed it altogether. But it did come, and it did happen, and I know eventually... it will hurt. But before it does, I will treasure these moments of happiness. Lying alone in my bed, I think of you. Sleeping, I dream of you. As I go about my business everyday, I miss you. If I want to label what it is I'm going through, then I guess I could say I am falling for you (if I haven't already fallen, but of course I will never admit that). I like this fragile kind of freedom that knowing you has given me. It is not perfect, it can still go either way, but it is the first chance I've had to be free to choose... to stay in love with a dream or to try and find my reality. I chose to find reality, but not to find it in you. In this day and age, a lot of people still believe in fairy tales... in happy endings. I also wish for a happy ending, but I will not wish it with you. You have your own happy ending and it is not with me.

I never meant for any of these to happen, but it did. I can say I'm sorry, but I'm not. In fact, I am glad, it might be a little too late, and we were both out of line, but how can I say sorry for something that made me happy? We might continue to travel different paths, continue to live separate lives... but I will always remember that point in time, where our paths met and our lives crossed to create that magical moment, something to remember you by, something to make me smile... a time when I was yours, and for a moment you were mine.

a dream towards reality...

"Only fools dream of the one thing they can't have."
"I dreamed the dream of you. It was a sweet dream... while it lasted."
- - - excerpts from the First Knight.

I love you sweetheart. For the longest time, I have been in love with you. For years I have kept this feeling inside of me and moved on with my life. I would rather have spent those years with you, showing you how I feel, to share with you something special, to build a life with you, to wake up in the morning with you beside me, create memories that we can look back to together when we are old. But all that... was only a dream. A dream that I am slowly waking up from.

Precious times spent with you were few and far in between. There were more heartaches to overshadow those memories of you, but for some reason, your smile, your laughter, the gentleness with which you held my hand, your kiss... they stayed and made life without you somewhat bearable. I've been to hell and back just trying to get over you... year after year I hoped for a miracle, something to ease the pain of loving you and not have you in my life. It never came, till now.

Stepping beyond the boundaries of loving you and into the unknown scares me the most. For years, I have hoped, wished and even prayed that you would find it in your heart to tell me the truth. You never did... that hurt me the most, not knowing why. Maybe the answers will still come, maybe not... it can only happen in it's own good time. All my life is because of you... but now I am beginning to see me.

I do not wish for a new beginning, I do not wish to forget, but rather I want life to continue and for me to remember that dream of you, for it took me to where I am, made me to what I am and showed me what I can still be. I love you, maybe I always will, but you will be my dream and part of my memory... and hopefully one day, someone else can be part of my life and become my reality.

convincing myself otherwise...

I miss you. This is such an odd thing to say, at least for me. Till a few weeks back, all I've been missing is a person from my past. Someone that's been conspicuously absent, but nevetheless part of my life. Missing him had been natural, but right now, I am missing you... why? The answer evades me, or should I say I am evading the answer?

I promised myself not to place too much meaning into that kiss. It was something that just happened, never planned, certainly not forseen, totally unexpected, but nevertheless inevitable. Yes, I see that now. Do you remember that first time you kissed me? Long ago, on top of a mountain, overlooking the bay? We were taking in the view, it was breathtaking. We were holding hands, you turned to look at me, and I looked at you, and we kissed. And that was more breathtaking than anything else at that time. Ah, the innocence of youth. The promise of tomorrow... never realized. I could say it was easier to move on, but in truth, life moved and we have to move with it. Memories were tucked away, until now...

Years have come and gone. We've lived our own lives. Was it destiny or was it fate that decided to play a trick on us, to let our paths cross again, to make it possible to see each other once more, to let us remember what it was like, to build memories together, and to share one more kiss...breathtaking. But I promised myself, and you... well...

We've always been friends, back then and now. And if everything else fades into memory again, I will always feel blessed to have you as part of my life.

here's to a little hope...

I have but one certainty in my life... that I love you, sweetheart. Only now, this is slowly becoming a certainty of the past. I will not say that I am over you... no, not yet. I cannot say that I don't love you anymore, for that would be a lie. But maybe, just maybe, there is hope.

Hope did not come easy nor is it without a price. But right now, I am just glad that it did. For now, I can feel that loving you need not hurt me as much, missing you is not as bad. I do not know how long this feeling will last, but I intend to enjoy it as much as I can, if only to have some moments of peace to tide me over should you come back full force to make me realize that there can only be you.

Long ago, a friend told me this, "Love took you captive... it is also love that will set you free." I never took it seriously, how can I when there was only you? All this time, you have always been in my mind and in my heart. Not a day pass by that I don't think of you. Not a thought escape my consciousness without you in it. Not till one weekend...

A weekend... when all thoughts of you left me, all because of one kiss. A kiss and what came afterwards opened a door for me to finally find hope. To let me reluctantly believe that maybe, there is life without you. To others, it would seem like a typical weekend, but to me, it was something else... and for the first time in years, I was happy. It was a weekend where I was able to let go and just live for the moment.

To the one who made it happen, you will never know how much it all meant to me. I look back to our time together and know that it will help me keep the hope alive. We have our own lives to live and like a line from a movie, "our destinies have always been intertwined, but never joined." It matters not that there is no us, but I am blessed to have had a you, me and a memory.

a complicated life

I miss you, you said. Do you know that, you asked. I should have said yes, because in truth, I am missing you too. But I said no, I do not want to expect because I might get disappointed.

What a waste. Word play... the things people would do and say to protect oneself from getting hurt. Yes, I am finding out that I can still get hurt. I found myself confused at being happy for the first time in years... because of you.

And so I said, I miss you too, you should know that. Only now, you said, because nothing was ever said before. Honesty, when should it start and when should it end? And where will it lead us?... ah yes, it is indeed a complicated life.

seeking confusion...

I hope someday I can fully understand the myriad of emotions that surfaced during our weekend together. I tried to plan, to prepare myself to face the unknown that your visit entail. Still, I was caught off guard. Perhaps I underestimated what we had twenty years ago. There were so many questions left unanswered... and all it took was one kiss.

A kiss... everything else faded. You, me, locked in a warm embrace; your lips, mine, seeking what we lost... and then was found.

I lost you once... but then I didn't know what I would be missing. And now you are here, for the moment, I am yours, though you will never be mine. Time lost recovered in those few hours... memories made to last a lifetime.

Time passed too quickly and you are now back where you belong... and here I stayed, somewhat confused, unwilling to find the truth, and a little sad because what had been left unsaid twenty years ago still remained unsaid. And then again, it could only be me, and not you. Perhaps that too will remain unanswered.

Friends above all else... more, never less.

one weekend...

One weekend... a few days out of a lifetime. That was all that we had. It doesn't seem fair, but then, who am I to complain? Somehow, things will turn out right, but it will never be the same. Too much, too little... I wish it could be more but will never wish it less.

Too late... maybe. A perfect fit... definitely. But reality has to be faced, and so you must leave. I will keep the memories until such time when maybe, fate would let us share more than a weekend of our lives.

On letting go...

The Art of Letting Go
by consrael

It's over. He's gone.

Why do we have to part while the love is still there? Why do we have to suffer? Why do we have to cry when somebody bids goodbye? Why do beginnings have an end? Why do we have to meet only to lose in the end?

There are questions left unanswered, words left unsaid, letters left unread, poems left undone, songs left unsung, love left unexpressed, promises left unfulfilled.

In a relationship, one of the hardest things to do is saying goodbye and letting go. It is as hard as breaking a crystal because you'll never know when you will be able to pick up the pieces again. More often than not, they who go, feel not the pain of parting: it is they who stay behind that suffer, because they are left with memories of a love that was meant to be, a love that was.

At the beginning and at the end of a relationship, we are embarrassed to find ourselves alone. Unfair as it may seem, but that's the way love goes. That's the drama, the bittersweet and the risk of falling in love. After all, nothing is constant but change. Everything will eventually come to its end without us knowing when, without us knowing how, without us even knowing why. And we must forget not because we have to but because we have to.

In letting go, sorrows come not as a single spy but in batallion. It seems that everywhere you go, everything you do, every song you hear, every turn of your head, every move of your body, every beat of your heart, every blink of your eye and every breath you take always reminds you of him. It's like a stab of a knife, a torture in the night. Funny how the whole world becomes depopulated when only one person is missing. Just imagine, there are billion people on earth and yet it seems you feel lonely and empty without the other.

I don't know if it's worth calling an art, but letting go entails special skills sparkled with a considerable space and time. Time heals all wounds but it takes a little push on our part. Acceptance plays a part. Not all love stories end with "...and they live happily ever after."

Sometimes we have to part because of circumstances beyond our control. We have to suffer if it would mean happiness for others. We have to cry to temporarily let go of the pains. Every beginning has its end like every dawn has its dusk. It's something we can't control, something we had to live up.

It's over. He's gone. But life has to go on. Goodbye doesn't always mean forever. There will always be a place and time where questions will be answered, words will be spoken, letters will be read, poems will be recited in the night, songs will be sung in harmony, love will be expressed in solitude and promises will be fulfilled. Somewhere. Somehow. Someday.

a letter...

Hello Sweetheart,

I know you're doing fine. Better than I am, but I don't hold that against you. In fact I'm glad. I would have been more devastated if you were not okay.

Sometimes it scares me how time seem to go so fast. But most of all, it scares me that even though a long time had passed, it would seem that I am still living in yesterday. Yes, it still feels like I am living in yesterday. In a time where you looked at me with love in your eyes. A time where I felt happy, content, and secure in the knowledge that no matter what happens, everything will turn out right because you are with me. But that time is long gone. More than a decade if I care to count the years. You were in my life for such a short period of time that it really amazes me why you’re still in my thoughts and in my heart. I know I should have gotten over you by now, forgotten you a little even. But no, you are still very much alive in me. You are still a part of me even though we have been apart for longer than I can remember. Remember when I told you that you have my heart? That is true. I have given you my heart because I know I love you with all of me. Now that we are apart, I have most of myself except my heart.

I haven’t gotten far in trying to get over you. I don’t think I ever will. But still I will try. I owe it to myself, but most of all, I have to find a way to fulfill a promise that I made, to be happy. In retrospect I know I shouldn’t have made that promise. It is not even logically possible. But I have never broken a promise before, and I don’t intend to do so now.

I am not sure how I can do this. I have tried anger… at the thought that you did not even listen to me, much less try to understand or make me understand what went wrong. I even went through that denial stage… begging to be heard, asking for forgiveness (even though I don’t understand what I needed to ask forgiveness for), acceptance that it is really over, even berating myself that you never really loved me at all, that all we had was not real, that you were just playing with my feelings, that what I felt, what I saw, what I knew to be true, was all on me, never you.

I went through all the emotions, but in the end, there is still you, in my heart. Now I am just tired, but I will try again. Not to forget, not to stop loving you, but only to be happy without you.

you...

lost again...

I woke up this morning feeling lost. I tried to remember what I dreamed about to give me this feeling, but I failed. The whole day I tried to shake off the feeling, but again I failed. Suddenly it dawned on me... I feel lost not because I dreamed of you, but because I am without you. The cold reality of life without you struck me down yet again. I wish I can just will you away. I wish I can wake up one day and not feel lost. I wish I can find myself believing that there is life and love without you. I wish I can stop myself from wishing because I'm finally over you...

I move on... hoping for a miracle. If not a life with you, then a blessed release from loving you will do.

Goodbye 2006

Cold weather, pristine snow, spectacular sunsets, a hot cup of coffee in front of a lighted fireplace... and my memories of you. A potent mixture sure to lead to a breakdown, wouldn't you say? But surprisingly, I was okay. Goodbye 2006, the hardest year that I had to go through to date.

No denying I shed some tears, that I felt an old ache in my heart, wished things could have been different... I guess these would never leave me when I think of you, but I am better. Took a really long time and a promise to someone very dear, a harder task than just getting over you... to be happy again.

It's been three months since I made that promise. I admit, I am far from being happy, but I know I will get there eventually. Like I said last year, maybe next year...