Of some interest is somebody's persistence to know what has been going on in my life. Why? I don't know, nor do I care. But sometimes it makes me wonder why people who are not part of my life insist on "butting in" so to speak, just to be noticed.
I happen to like writing, whether it is nonsense or something important depends on my mood. Most of the time, I consider my writing of no consequence to anyone except me. I write of my dreams, feelings, my past life and yes, my one true love. I have never kept a diary in my entire life so most of what I write comes from memory. If memory fails, then I opt not to write because it will not be accurate. I guess this is my way of keeping track of my life as it is now.
A lot have changed. My friend always said that I'm romantically hopeless, because up to now I still profess my love for him. It never mattered that we are not together, that he turned his back on me... that I had to go far away to try and forget. None of those mattered because I know what I feel now and I know what I will be feeling even if another decade passes by. My love for him is the only certainty that I have in my life. Everything else is bound to change, but not my love. After ten long years... nothing about that has changed.
As for people who continue to be jealous (?) envious (?) or simply ignorant as to what it really means to love, this is my life, my love. You have your life... live in it instead of trying to live it in mine. My life was shared once with him... that is the way it will always stay.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Friday, September 01, 2006
why?
I saw you from afar. You said I shouldn't go because people are starting to suspect that there is something going on between us. But fate stepped in and my day was left free to find you. I got on the bus and traveled far to cheer you on... but only from afar, for I do not want you to be mad at me.
The competition has already started, I saw you trying your best to perform what was asked of you. But I also saw your pain, for your body hinders you from being your best. And the worst kind of pain... the pain of defeat when the other team bested your team. It wasn't that your team didn't win, but knowing how competitive you are, not being first means losing. I saw you slumped to the ground, your mind probably going over every angle of the competition, thinking where you went wrong, what was missing. You looked so tired, forlorn, I wanted to come out of hiding to come to you, comfort you, to tell you that we'll try again and do better next time. But I heard your voice telling me that we should not be seen too much together, not yet. So I restrained myself, saying I will do that later, when we are alone, when I can hold you in my arms and try to take the pain of losing away with my love for you.
But things didn't work out as I hoped. You turned away from me after that. You got mad that I went against your wish for me not to come and watch you compete, that after that I accepted a ride from the opposing team, that I befriended them as we shared that ride. You accused me of lying to you. I told you everything that happened, almost word for word when you asked me to recount to you what had been said. You refused to listen to me and instead listened to lies perpetuated by a person who wanted you for herself. I tried so hard to make you see reason, but all you could think about was the fact that I hid myself from you...when all I wanted to do was take you in my arms and kiss your frustrations and pain away.
All that love, all the happiness that I knew back then when we were together, swept away by your anger. I thought our love would have been strong enough to get us through that, but I was wrong. Oh, how wrong I was. I tried to give you some space, enough so you'll calm down and maybe give me a chance to explain myself. But all it ever did was to take you further away from me.
And now, almost a decade had passed. Sometimes, I wish I can say I'm over you, that I do not love you anymore. But I know that it would be a lie. Not a day passed by that I don't think of you. Not a single wish escaped my lips without wishing that we be together again. Not a single moment passed by that I know would have been better if you were here with me. And every single beat that my heart made screamed of the fact that I still do love you.
In spite of the pain, I moved on, heavy at heart, defeated that you didn't have enough faith in me. I wished I could have died, but fate wouldn't listen. Life let me live to die... a slow death of living without you. Knowing I found love and lost it, knowing I will never find it again even if I tried. Forever damned for loving you... forever lost without you.
The competition has already started, I saw you trying your best to perform what was asked of you. But I also saw your pain, for your body hinders you from being your best. And the worst kind of pain... the pain of defeat when the other team bested your team. It wasn't that your team didn't win, but knowing how competitive you are, not being first means losing. I saw you slumped to the ground, your mind probably going over every angle of the competition, thinking where you went wrong, what was missing. You looked so tired, forlorn, I wanted to come out of hiding to come to you, comfort you, to tell you that we'll try again and do better next time. But I heard your voice telling me that we should not be seen too much together, not yet. So I restrained myself, saying I will do that later, when we are alone, when I can hold you in my arms and try to take the pain of losing away with my love for you.
But things didn't work out as I hoped. You turned away from me after that. You got mad that I went against your wish for me not to come and watch you compete, that after that I accepted a ride from the opposing team, that I befriended them as we shared that ride. You accused me of lying to you. I told you everything that happened, almost word for word when you asked me to recount to you what had been said. You refused to listen to me and instead listened to lies perpetuated by a person who wanted you for herself. I tried so hard to make you see reason, but all you could think about was the fact that I hid myself from you...when all I wanted to do was take you in my arms and kiss your frustrations and pain away.
All that love, all the happiness that I knew back then when we were together, swept away by your anger. I thought our love would have been strong enough to get us through that, but I was wrong. Oh, how wrong I was. I tried to give you some space, enough so you'll calm down and maybe give me a chance to explain myself. But all it ever did was to take you further away from me.
And now, almost a decade had passed. Sometimes, I wish I can say I'm over you, that I do not love you anymore. But I know that it would be a lie. Not a day passed by that I don't think of you. Not a single wish escaped my lips without wishing that we be together again. Not a single moment passed by that I know would have been better if you were here with me. And every single beat that my heart made screamed of the fact that I still do love you.
In spite of the pain, I moved on, heavy at heart, defeated that you didn't have enough faith in me. I wished I could have died, but fate wouldn't listen. Life let me live to die... a slow death of living without you. Knowing I found love and lost it, knowing I will never find it again even if I tried. Forever damned for loving you... forever lost without you.
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