How do I...

The past few weeks have been hectic. Hardly a day went by when I'd have time for myself. Too many things needed to get done. Too many people to deal with. Too many memories to keep at bay.

Things to do get done. Poeple can be dealt with. Memories... well, this is something I have to live with.

Yes, my love. I do miss you. I may not write as often about you, or about my feelings for you, but yes, you're still very much in my mind and in my heart. I may be busy getting things done, but your smile is what keeps me going. How can I find happiness without you? How can I hope for a better me without you to guide me? How do I make myself believe in tomorrow when I still live for yesterday?

Christmas is just around the corner. Winter has set in... people are in a rush and full of holiday cheer... and yet here I am... and there you are... worlds apart.

never too late...

Life has a way of dealing you the unexpected. As it was, this post is a month too late, but that doesn't mean I have forgotten. No, in fact I have vivid memories of that day. I was still awake as night turned into day. In spite of everything that happened the last couple of days, during quiet times, my mind turned to him. It was the 10th year of the day I fell in love. The 10th year when we had our first real dinner together, the night I realized what love was all about.

I wanted to see you, maybe finally clear things up, but I had responsibilities to attend to, the timing wasn't right. Maybe I will never find out, maybe that's the way things are supposed to remain. Ten years, sweetheart. I wanted to say I'm over you, but I'd be lying.

I made a promise to someone very special, a promise that I know will be very hard to keep. But I intend to fulfill that promise no matter what it takes. I love you, sweetheart and I know I will continue to do so. I also know that time will come and I will see you again, if only to lay to rest what I feel for you.

Happy anniversary, sweetheart.

persistent pest 2

Funny how people react when faced with the truth. It was so much fun letting you leave a message on my blog and seeing how you react to whatever is posted here. You need some anger management courses. You're the one who needs to see a psychiatrist/psychotherapist to resolve your issues. Grow up! I may have lost a love but I was never as miserable and pathetic as you. Oh, and goodluck to.... did you say your girlfriend? or was that your fantasy?

persistent pest

Of some interest is somebody's persistence to know what has been going on in my life. Why? I don't know, nor do I care. But sometimes it makes me wonder why people who are not part of my life insist on "butting in" so to speak, just to be noticed.

I happen to like writing, whether it is nonsense or something important depends on my mood. Most of the time, I consider my writing of no consequence to anyone except me. I write of my dreams, feelings, my past life and yes, my one true love. I have never kept a diary in my entire life so most of what I write comes from memory. If memory fails, then I opt not to write because it will not be accurate. I guess this is my way of keeping track of my life as it is now.

A lot have changed. My friend always said that I'm romantically hopeless, because up to now I still profess my love for him. It never mattered that we are not together, that he turned his back on me... that I had to go far away to try and forget. None of those mattered because I know what I feel now and I know what I will be feeling even if another decade passes by. My love for him is the only certainty that I have in my life. Everything else is bound to change, but not my love. After ten long years... nothing about that has changed.

As for people who continue to be jealous (?) envious (?) or simply ignorant as to what it really means to love, this is my life, my love. You have your life... live in it instead of trying to live it in mine. My life was shared once with him... that is the way it will always stay.

why?

I saw you from afar. You said I shouldn't go because people are starting to suspect that there is something going on between us. But fate stepped in and my day was left free to find you. I got on the bus and traveled far to cheer you on... but only from afar, for I do not want you to be mad at me.

The competition has already started, I saw you trying your best to perform what was asked of you. But I also saw your pain, for your body hinders you from being your best. And the worst kind of pain... the pain of defeat when the other team bested your team. It wasn't that your team didn't win, but knowing how competitive you are, not being first means losing. I saw you slumped to the ground, your mind probably going over every angle of the competition, thinking where you went wrong, what was missing. You looked so tired, forlorn, I wanted to come out of hiding to come to you, comfort you, to tell you that we'll try again and do better next time. But I heard your voice telling me that we should not be seen too much together, not yet. So I restrained myself, saying I will do that later, when we are alone, when I can hold you in my arms and try to take the pain of losing away with my love for you.

But things didn't work out as I hoped. You turned away from me after that. You got mad that I went against your wish for me not to come and watch you compete, that after that I accepted a ride from the opposing team, that I befriended them as we shared that ride. You accused me of lying to you. I told you everything that happened, almost word for word when you asked me to recount to you what had been said. You refused to listen to me and instead listened to lies perpetuated by a person who wanted you for herself. I tried so hard to make you see reason, but all you could think about was the fact that I hid myself from you...when all I wanted to do was take you in my arms and kiss your frustrations and pain away.

All that love, all the happiness that I knew back then when we were together, swept away by your anger. I thought our love would have been strong enough to get us through that, but I was wrong. Oh, how wrong I was. I tried to give you some space, enough so you'll calm down and maybe give me a chance to explain myself. But all it ever did was to take you further away from me.

And now, almost a decade had passed. Sometimes, I wish I can say I'm over you, that I do not love you anymore. But I know that it would be a lie. Not a day passed by that I don't think of you. Not a single wish escaped my lips without wishing that we be together again. Not a single moment passed by that I know would have been better if you were here with me. And every single beat that my heart made screamed of the fact that I still do love you.

In spite of the pain, I moved on, heavy at heart, defeated that you didn't have enough faith in me. I wished I could have died, but fate wouldn't listen. Life let me live to die... a slow death of living without you. Knowing I found love and lost it, knowing I will never find it again even if I tried. Forever damned for loving you... forever lost without you.

trapped...

I cannot say how the day will go. I'm not even sure if it started out already, and if it did, how it actually started. All I know is I'm trapped in this dream... with him.

The dream itself is nothing of note. Just a regular day... together. You might be wondering how a day can be called regular when it is supposed to be spent with him? Yes, I know. It cannot be a regular day, for one, I am not with him. Have not been for almost ten years. I may have seen him, what? three-five times in all those ten years? Most of those times he would be unaware that I was even there, the rest? I don't know... maybe. You see, he is like me in a way, he knows when I am around.

Ah, yes. The dream... It started out with me getting ready for a day out. I was singing... a happy song. I was even putting on a red blouse, one of his favorites. As I was dreaming this, there was a voice in my head saying, "you are dreaming, this is not real". But the dream went on. I heard a car horn sounding from outside. I took a peak from the window and saw his car parked right in front. I hurriedly grabbed my bag, took one last look in the mirror and rushed outside to meet him. I can see my face in that dream. In fact, I can feel what I was feeling in that dream. My face was so radiant, I was so happy... My mind kept telling me... it is just a dream, none of it is real... but my heart refused to believe. I doesn't look like a dream, it certainly doesn't feel like a dream. I am there with him... and I am happy.

We drove to one of our favorite places. To see the sights so to speak. It was a glorious day. The sun was out, only a few clouds in the sky, and there's always a light breeze keeping us company. We walked hand in hand. It felt so right... me holding his hand. It gave me a feeling of contentment, of peace. Wake up, my mind said, but I refused. I am holding his hand and I am content. A slight breeze came our way and I caught a scent in the air... his scent. I breathed in deeply, savoring that sweet smell of his. I must have caught my breath... my mind is frantic now... wake up! But still I refused. I let that smell envelop me in my sleep.

We talked of everything and nothing. I hear him laugh at my silly jokes. My mind pleaded... please wake up. But I am not asleep... I am there... I am with him... he is holding my hand... and I can hear him laughing. And then he turned and gave me that smile of his which always set my heart fluttering. And I smiled back. I felt so blessed, lucky that I have found my one true love and that he is right here with me. Smiling at me, holding my hand, and saying he loved me too...

My mind is now screaming... wake up! don't do this to yourself !

And finally, though my entire being fought so hard to do otherwise, I woke up. Gasping, I tried to calm myself down. My pillow was wet, I must have crying for some time now. As I try to get above that dream state, I caught his scent again, felt his hand in mine... so real it felt that I actually looked to see if he was here with me, in my room. That was when I accepted that it was all a dream.

It's getting late, I have to get ready for work. As I went out of the apartment, I hear the sound of a car honking it's horn. Just like in the dream, I looked. But of course he is not there. I got in the car and as I was driving, his scent assaulted my senses again. I looked over to the passenger side expecting him to be there... he wasn't. I took my hand off the wheels, to turn on the radio and I felt his hand reaching out for mine... I looked up and I see him smiling at me...

And I cried... I am awake but I am still trapped in this dream... with him. And unlike in the dream, I can feel both emotions. Happiness that he is here with me... and pain in knowing that it is not real.

10 years ago...till now

For you sweetheart... so you might get a glimpse of how it felt almost 10 years ago. Maybe you'll understand why things stayed the same up to now.

To Watch You Leaving
by Jocelyn Galvano-Pickett

To Watch You Leaving . . .

is to know such pain, it's jagged edges tearing into my soul. As a stake from the garden tears into the warm, dark earth.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

knowing all the while that never again will I fit myself, warm with sleep, against your solid back.Nor hear your steady breathing. Or feel the beating of your heart.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

aware in every moment of every day that my dreams, my future; once tied with silken ribbons to yours, will never come to be.

And the mornings once so silent and hopeful, us gazing at the mountains and so gently awaiting forever - are now but small pieces of my past.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

your heart a tight fist of anger and your dry eyes betraying nothing of you. I cry for both of us, my love, because you will not.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

is to know that I've lost my place on this earth. My station. My heart's home. That I will wander, forever a nomad. Alone and afraid. And in my troubled dreams watch you leave, again and again.

For the balance of my days.

silent wish...

"So starben wir, um ungetrennt
Ewig, einig ohne end."

["Thus we might die undivided
One forever without end." - Tristan and Isolde

coffee on a hot day

The heat is overwhelming. Summer is definitely making its presence felt, with sweating bodies, oven-like cars even with airconditioning, packed beaches, picnics at the park, everything. Sometimes it makes me feel like the heat is causing me to hallucinate. But then again...

Like a breath of fresh air, he came, with his breathtaking smile and yes that tantalizing smell. For a brief second I thought the heat got to me, but as he walked closer to where I sat I knew he was real enough. I sat there speechless, for what do you say to a vision that came out of your subconscious. A vision bearing gifts. Coffee...

It would seem of no consequence for most people, in fact, most would not say coffee on a hot day can be considered a gift. But to me it was and coming from him gave it more meaning. I have so many questions in my mind, but it was left unasked as I sat there staring at him. He stared back, not saying anything. And from that moment of silence came understanding. The hows or whys are not important. What matters is now.

He did not say much in the short time he was here. Just sat there quietly with me... holding my hand. The coffee left untouched for the time being as there were more important things to take in like the overwhelming feeling of contentment, of peace and yes, of happiness. For a short time, there I was, sitting with him holding my hand and I was happy. Happy... like that time so long ago, in a different place, a different me... a different him.

After he left, it felt like the whole world came crashing down on me again, heavy, dark, lonely. But he left with me a memory, something to remember and hold on to. It's funny how the old memories seem to blend with the new. I do not want to see your face on his. I do not want to see the same kind of caring I saw in you. I do not want to believe in him liked I believed in you. Because I know... it is not you. But everytime I see him, I see you... your smile, your laugh, even that scent of yours and yes, that uncanny habit of knowing.

Ironic how fate sent me someone to make me forget and at the same time remember... and so I remembered.

a month after

It's been exactly a month after and I made it... still a little crazy, but still in one piece (barely). Had a little accident for doing crazy stuff, ended up sick for a couple of days because of it. Mended physically, still smarting emotionally. In all, it wasn't such a bad thing. I've got a couple of months before it starts hitting me again... I hope.

I know you're okay sweetheart. That is good enough for me. Think of me sometimes? You know how I feel.

a smile from the distant past

Had a dream of the distant past. There was nothing outstanding about it, except I remembered it after I woke up. For what it's worth, it's keeping me amused for the day. I don't know what the dream meant nor do I know why I dreamt it, but thank you for making me smile...

Driving around with no particular place to go, I stopped at a small inn for the day. I wanted to explore the little town I saw, maybe do some shopping, but mostly just to satisfy my curiosity. I checked in and decided to eat before going around. There was this cozy looking restaurant around the corner so I headed on out to see what they've got.

The restaurant was small, only a couple of tables, but it was very nice. A waitress showed me to a corner table and left the menu as she got my drink. I looked around appreciating the way they've made the place look homey. There was only one other person there trying to get a late lunch. I caught his profile at the corner of my eye and simply looked back again as there was something very familiar with him. I squinted fighting the glare of the sun to see who it was that caught my eye. At first I couldn't figure out why he looked so familiar, and then he turned to signal the waitress and our eyes met.

It was like being thrown back in time. "I know you..." he mouthed the words, as he slowly got up to go to my table. Typical him as I remembered said, "Oh my God! It is you! I can't believe I'm actually seeing you after all these years." And I said, "I can't believe I'm seeing you either, here of all places. "What are you doing here?" I asked. To which he replied, "nothing, just driving around and decided to stop by and explore."

At this point I told myself how totally weird it was that we were just both driving around and stopped here to look around. Talk about coincidences. But then again, I remembered he doesn't believe in coincidences, to him it's destiny. And he proceeded to remind me just that. That after so many years and miles away from home, we stopped in a place with the same goal in mind decided to have a late lunch and picked the very same restaurant at almost the same time giving us the chance to see each other. And just to drive his point home, he reminded me of our song back then...(which of course he had to sing) "somewhere down the road, our roads are gonna meet again, it doesn't really matter when..." I had to hand it to him, he hasn't changed (at least in that aspect).

And so it went, and off we went spending the rest of the day in each other's company. Together down the road, reminiscing of the past, talking about today and looking towards the future.

Ah dreams.... notice how it ends without finishing the story? How one wakes up from a dream wishing one can dream some more? Like I said, it made me smile...

new look

My friend wanted a new look for her blog so we spent the weekend doing it. Or rather, I did most of it, she picked what she liked. Anyway, since we're at it, figured I'd change mine too... thanks for lending me the picture.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

I do not see you, nor do I feel you near me. But I know in my heart what you look like and how it felt when you were holding me in your arms.

Happy Birthday. I dream of a time when I can tell you personally.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

I found this... I no longer have the heart nor the strength to write my own as I feel my life slipping away everytime I do. This does not mean I have forgotten, nor is the feeling gone, but that, feeling it as strongly as I do and not have it returned is a slow death that never ends...


When We Two Parted
by George Gordon, Lord Byron

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.
The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow--
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.
They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me--
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well--
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.
In secret we met--
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?--
With silence and tears.

familiar stranger...

A scent in the air made me stop. My eyes scanned the faces of strangers passing by and suddenly my heartbeat fails... I closed my eyes... could it be? And logic reasserted itself and told my heart, "be still, you fool! It is not him, it cannot be." I took a deep breath and opened my eyes and just promptly stopped on my tracks (again).

I must have swayed because the next thing I knew, he was holding my hand and asking if I was alright. Another deep breath on my part, trying to buy time to compose myself... Finally I found my voice and said I'm fine, thank you, slowly bringing up my eyes to meet his. I could not stop myself from staring. Had he not been a lot taller than I am and with light brown eyes instead of the usual dark ones, I think I would have fainted. For there he was, almost an exact replica of my one true love. The smiling eyes, that sweet smile... and that unique babyish scent that tickles my senses everytime he came near. I must have turned white as a ghost. He led me to a bench and sat me down. Again I thanked him... He gave me some water from his backpack and sat down next to me, introduced himself and asked again if I was okay.

I said yes I'm okay all the while thinking how could I be, when you are there sitting next to me, reminding me of someone I've always kept at the back of my head. He smiled and introduced himself (again). I really must have been staring because he asked if he reminded me of someone. My wits must have left me because I actually said yes, of someone from a distant past. Then it was his turn to look at me... he said very gently "try not to let this accidental meeting be overshadowed by sadness from the past, remember that each life that crosses our path has a purpose and must be welcomed with gladness."

Shock is too mild a word to describe how I felt when he said that. More so when he said he'll buy me lunch to make up for the shock he gave me.

Lunch was good, in fact, if it were not for the fact that I kept staring at him, lunch would have been great. We talked like we were old friends. For a while it felt like I was thrown back in time. I smiled. He smiled and thanked me. When I asked what for, he said for really smiling.

All too soon I had to leave. He said, "you never told me your name, but that's okay. You have mine." He gave me his number and I gave him mine... along with my name. And we both smiled. As I walked away I took one last deep breath, held it and savored that scent that brought him to me. Will he call? Maybe. Will I? Most likely not. But I am glad to have met him.

longing to tell...

How great it would be if I can actually write a story to tell my kids about my life. It might not be as exciting as a bestseller, but it would be something to help them understand why things have to be and how they came to be.

At times I can almost hear them ask questions, but never really voiced them out. And I can feel them at times struggle to accept what has become. Beyond un-asked questions and boundless understanding, I've always tried to be honest. In time I would tell them about you, but not yet.

listen and you will hear

If there's one thing I can't stop it's time. Time moves on it's own with no regard for people. It never goes back always forward. It takes away the past and turns it into memories. No matter how I try, I never seem to catch up, time's always a step ahead, always moving too fast. And as time moves forward, I age, move slower, think more, act less. As a result, I am now way behind with no hope of ever catching up.

I always like to think that as time passes, life gets better. Maybe. At least for the most part. There is one thing that time forgot to take with it, my memory of you. Too many years have passed and yet what happened always seemed like yesterday. And as I slow down, yesterday, your memory is catching up on me.

Throughout the years I've tried to keep your memories at bay. Never really thinking, never really remembering. But even though I try so hard to do that, time has a way of creeping up on me and bringing the past into the present, ensuring that it is there for the future.

Since the beginning, I have never denied that I love you. I have gone through hell and back because of loving you. I almost lost everything because I was willing to give up everything just to be with you. But you walked away. You turned your back on me, unwilling to say why, not even to say you never loved me. And through all the years, I've tried to ask myself what was it that I did to send you away. I blamed everything and everybody else, but most of all I blamed me. Maybe I loved you too much, maybe I didn't show it enough, may be you thought I wasn't serious enough and maybe I wasn't worthy of your love.

I've created so much doubt on myself that I stayed away, hurt other people, but most of all I've hurt myself. I tried moving on, build my self confidence, even fooled myself into believing that I can and will love again. But again, time showed me that it was all in vain. I did manage to move on but my heart stayed. My heart stayed back in time, the time when you and I were together. The happiest time when I heard you say you loved me, the time when we dreamed of our future together. As my heart never left your side, my mind tried to move forward. To take me far away and try not to hurt too much. But the mind sometimes get tired and let it's guard down. That's when the past catches up and makes the future seem bleak.

Moving on... almost ten years and nothing to show for it, except the fact that I still love you. Time passes and I wonder if I'll ever see you again. Just to see your smile, hear you laugh, be in your presence. Will I ever hear you say you love me? Maybe not, but you will hear me. I love you, sweetheart.

facing life...

Trials have always been part of human life. I don't think I've ever met a person who hasn't faced a challenge in one form or another. But why do we have these trials? Is it a necessary part of life? Most people would say yes as it would make one a better person. Would it?

People trying to be positive in the face of adversity might say there are people out there with worse problems than themselves. Is that the truth? Or is it a relative kind of thing? People react to problems differently and people are uniquely equipped to handle the same kind of situation in a different way. Perception is unique for each individual.

Depending on the situation or should I say the person, a trial in life might bring families together or tear them apart. Some might try and isolate themselves, others might thrive with the company of friends, still others might become bitter, some even violent where others might be accepting.

Is it the situation that makes a person or is it the person who makes the situation better or worse? Or is it all a matter of faith?

a matter of faith...

Just finished reading "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" by Mitch Albom. It's a story about an 83-year old man who died on his birthday trying to save a little girl. The story did not start at the beginning but rather at the last hour of his life. The story started with his end, but like the author said, an end can be a beginning.

Each of the five people might be your loved ones or distant strangers but each would have touched your life and changed your path forever. Each would hold the key to understanding why you chose to travel down a certain road and turn your back on another. At the end of it all, you will understand who you are, why you existed, how you touched other lives, what you did to make a difference.

The story was simply told. Though the story is based on a belief in God and a life after death, it carried none of usual evangelizing that you might find in other faith-based books, very different from your "light at the end of the tunnel" type of thing. I find myself liking this story better. Just like the living, the dead might also have questions that they want answered and this story provided us with that possibility.

As to who those five people would be for me, I have no clue. As for going to heaven or hell for that matter, I still have to convince myself that they exist. It's hard enough to believe that there is a reason for one's existence here on earth, much less what goes beyond it. Who knows, if I never find the answers I am searching for while I still live, I might find them when I am gone from this world. Or then again, I might just find out that there is no place beyond this earth, or I might really not know at all because death is the end.

two months in darkness

Time continually surprise me with how quickly it always seem to pass. We are now nearing the end of February and to think I can still taste the food we had last Christmas. Two months into the year and what have I got to show for it?

Memory is such a fickle thing. Though I remember last Christmas, I have no clear recollection of what went on the last two months. When I mentioned this to a friend of mine, she said that it is because my mind is so strong that it blocks out any thought that might affect me negatively. What she said made me think. There is only one thing that can affect me negatively. Does that mean most of my thoughts have been circling around on one thing?

Two months into the year...

Valentine's Day

A day specially for the heart... for people in love, for people with love in their hearts. This should have been a joyous occasion, but not for me. I may be in love and have love in my heart, but I am alone. Telling myself to forget and move on, but knowing in my heart that I will love him forever. Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetheart!

when the rain falls...

I know my friends meant well with this. The English version will not do the song justice, but the words are very apt.

ULAN RAIN
- by Cuesche
Lagi na lang umuulan The rain just kept falling
Parang walang katapusan Raining like there is no end
Tulad ng paghihirap ko ngayon Just like the pain I have in my heart
Parang walang humpay Feels like there'll be no end
Sa kabila ng lahat ng aking pagsisikap No matter how hard I tried
Na limutin ka ay di pa rin magawa I still can't seem to forget you
Hindi naman ako tanga I am not a fool
Alam ko na wala ka na I know that you are gone
Pero mahirap lang na tanggapin But it is just so hard to accept
Di na kita kapiling That you're no longer by my side
Iniwan mo ako nag-iisa You left me all alone
Sa gitna ng dilim at basing-basa pa sa ulan In the dark and in the rain
Pero huwag mag-alala But you don't have to worry
Di na kita gagambalain I will not bother you
Alam ko naman ngayon Because I know that
May kapiling ka nang-iba You are with someone else
Tanging hiling ko sa'yo All that I ask of you
Na tuwing umu-ulan Every time the rain falls
Maalala mo sanang may May you remember that
Nagmamahal sa'yo. There is someone loving you
Ako... Me...
Lalalalalalalalala Lalalalalalalalala


When we parted ways, it was a rainy day. But the rain stopped when I cried. I guess the rain felt that it can never compete with the tears I'm shedding. The day was overcast and the night was chilly, but it cannot compare with the darkness that clouded my heart and the coldness that enveloped me. I tried over the years to forget, but I got tired of trying. I know I was a fool to think I'd be able to forget you. I stayed away, though it pains me to do so. I remember that time we were sitting in the car, it was raining hard but we didn't care. You held my hand and told me you loved me, your eyes said more to my heart than your words ever could. I love driving when it rains, because I can feel that moment coming back to embrace me, reminding me that it wasn't just a dream. That for one moment your heart and mine were one. Whatever did we do wrong?

a song, a life, a story

A friend sent me this. She thought it might interest me...

I remember so well
The day that you came into my life
You asked for my name
You had the most beautiful smile

My life started to change
I'd wake up each day feeling alright
With you right by my side
Makes me feel things will work out just fine

CHORUS

How did you know
I needed someone like you in my life
That there's an empty space in my heart
You came at the right time in my life

I'll never forget
How you brought the sun to shine in my life
And took all the worries and fears that I had
I guess what I'm really trying to say
It's not everyday that someone like you comes my way
No words can express how much I love you

I guess she's right. I clearly remember the first time I saw him and funny that he did ask me my name. Later everybody who knew me would know that what I remember and like most about him is his smile. My life did change. I guess he came at the right time. But then... I will never forget... how much I...

I found what most people can only dream of, my one true love. Words will never be able to express that wonderful feeling. Writers and poets have tried to say it in so many words, but for all that have been written, it barely touched the surface of what love truly mean.

My one true love, remembering gives me bittersweet memories. I know I didn't have you for very long, but my love for you stayed with me. The few times that we've had together reminds me of unsurpassed happiness that made life without you almost bearable. For a long time I hoped that one day we'll find ourselves together again. But as years pass by, I had to let go of that hope, if only to try and find myself and be able to live once more. To a certain extent, I have moved on, more out of neccessity than anything else. I still remember, at times I still cry, sometimes I wish, but mostly I stop myself from wishing and hoping.

remembering valentine's day

Once again we come to that time of year when people all over the world celebrate love. This event is most special to people who have found love and are with the people they love. But what happens when you find yourself alone on this special day? More importantly, what happens when on this particular day, you find out that you have been betrayed by the person who mattered at that time?

The 14th of February, Valentine's Day as we call it, a day for lovers and people in love. It's been so long since I've celebrated this day. In fact, it's been so long ago that I cannot even remember how it was celebrated. All I remember now on this day is that I found out the truth of cataclysmic proportions that eventually changed the rest of my life.

After that day so many years ago, I thought that was the end of any romanticism in me. I thought that would be the end of me believing in love. How wrong I was. I found out later on that I never even knew what it was to love, be in love and be loved in return. What happened was more a betrayal of trust. It was not necessarily a better thing to happen but then, it was nothing compared to what was to come.

Certain things require proof and then some only require faith or to a lesser degree, gut feel. But then, what exactly are we supposed to do when gut feel surfaces, your mind refuse to believe what you feel and then you are suddenly confronted with undeniable proof? It took a while for me to digest everything that's been happening. It took some time for me to decide what to do, but once decided it's final. People frowned, tongues wagged, but I moved on. Now all that is a distant past and even the memory is fading. Ironic how hard it is for me to remember when I have something that serves as a constant reminder of that past. But then again, memory can be a fickle thing and the mind will always forget what is unimportant.

a question to ponder...

A friend once asked me, do you regret ever falling in love? I know the answer to it, but being asked point blank made me pause to consider my answer. It also made me wonder where the question came from (but I will come back to that).

Have I ever regretted falling in love?

I fell in love when I shouldn't, when I least expected it, and with the most unexpected person. It was a shock to say the least, to suddenly find out, undeniably and irrevocably that I was in love with someone. Suddenly, my life was not mine anymore. Love chose me and not the other way around. This is that aspect of love that nobody can control. The "shouldn't" part, though considerably hard had an easier solution... you just let it be without doing anything about it.

Destiny? Fate? That we should meet, fall in love and part ways. Sometimes, in the passing of years, I wanted to doubt the reality of that love. Was it only me? Was it the same for him? But when I reach down to recapture those moments, I know in my heart that it was real, that it is still real for me. Some would say that maybe it's what I wanted to see. Maybe. It was a time in my life when I found myself really happy. In a moment of absolute certainty, I felt that no matter what, I will remember this love for as long as I live. And I have. It is a part of who I am right now. At times when pain overwhelms me, I would think how life could have been different. But then I still would choose love, the pain and the memories.

I never regretted falling in love. Once in a while I give myself a mental kicking for losing that love thinking maybe I did not fight for it hard enough. Then I look towards the future, sometimes wishing... but always accepting what I've come to know as inevitable.

goodbye 2005

Winter. Though I love this season, I think it's also the season that emphasize the fact that at times I feel so alone. New Year came and went, the whole of 2005 is now a memory. With a few slip-ups, I think it's been a good year.

Cold weather, a cup of coffee and my memories... Cheers to 2006!