dreams

Dreams. Of late I have been reading books on the topic. I'm curious to find out what experts have to say about it. I'm actually impressed by the amount of information that one can find both online and in print.

Why the curiosity? Simple, I've been having quite a lot lately and I wanted to find out what they mean other than my normal instincts that it's an event that is bound to happen.

Dreams, experts say are products of our subconscious trying to come out in the open(of course I've badly paraphrased their description, but it'll do). Sometimes it's a manifestation of some deep anxiety that we feel and cannot face while in conscious state. Or a longing for something or someone. Or it can also be a significant representation of phases in our life. They've even provided some meaning to symbols in our dreams. They did say that rarely are dreams a form of prophecy, giving an example of someone dying in their dreams as a sign that they'll never wake up obviously saying that how can you recount the dream if you've already died. Of course I'm not claiming ot be an expert on dreams, I just wanted to see if there are any other explanations as to their nature. Prophesy or an outlet? who knows.

As they said, all people dream and almost every night (except for drug induced sleep), but not all remember that they actually had a dream when they wake up. Now, that part might be true... for I am guilty of not having dreams at all at least for a long time before now. It might be that my brain simply refused to let me remember that I indeed dreamed of something or someone. Self preservation? Not of consequence? Whatever the reason, it is rare that I dream and remember it when I wake up. There is a twist though. When I do remember a dream, most of the time, or should I say all the time, the dream does come true. Not all of them immediately, and sometimes it doesn't even happen till years afterwards, but it does happen. I have never dreamed of things(at least not that I remember), I always dream of people and events or circumstances happening to certain people. Sometimes, I don't know that person yet, but when I do wake up and remember a face, then I'd know that I'll meet that person somehow, somewhere. Sometimes, I'm in a middle of a conversation and I'd suddenly have this feeling of deja vu and I'd carry the conversation for both of us saying what the other person is saying at the same time they're saying it. Feels weird, definitely. Most of my dreams are limited though to immediate family, friends and acquaintances, and at times future acquaintances. I do not have visions of what the world will end up in or who's going to get assassinated or if we'll have a plague as a result of terrorism. But even then, I get scared of what I'll remember when I wake up that I must have forced myself to forget as soon as I open my eyes.

It worked for a while, but of late I've been dreaming, nothing really bad, but disturbing at least for me. Some of the dreams have implications that I have yet to analyze and prepare myself for in the event that it should happen... Sometimes I also think that some of my dreams seep into my consciousness to warn me to brace myself. I've still yet to find a really good source of information that will answer my questions as to the real nature of dreams. I'm aware that most of them are theories as there really is no way to know exactly what and where dreams come from... at best they look like spikes in a chart of brain activity. Of course, experts would argue that it's more than that, but unless one actually was able to get inside a dream, I'd be hard to convince.

As for now, I dream... and remember... and wonder...

of being alone...

I've always been pretty open with the thought of death, well, at least my own. I used to be afraid at the thought of dying, but somewhere along the way, I have accepted and with acceptance came understanding, and as I understand better, a path has been cleared and now I don't fear death. I fear more what it will do to the people I will leave behind.

And what brought on this morbid thought of dying? My uncle lies in a coma and might not recover. And though we are not that close, at the back of my mind I know that he'd always be there in the background. And now the thought that he won't is causing me to face my real fear, of being the one left behind when everyone else has passed on. I don't know if it's coincidence, but my Dad's older sister died first of cancer, my uncle is the second of the lot, and he lies in a hospital with little chance of recovering. Another sister is in line before my Dad gets into the picture and then there's the youngest sister. Normally I don't believe in superstition or anything that borders on supernatural, but this one makes me uneasy. Not only because it involves death, but that it seems to be following some order.

I might have accepted the fact of my own death, but of people I love... I have a very long way to go. I don't know if there really is heaven or hell, or if there is a soul, or if a persons essence just floats away after one dies. Of those things I really don't think about. Whatever it is, will be. I do not strive hard to be religious to ensure my soul's acceptance into heaven. I just try to do what's right at least as I see it. I try not to hurt other people as I don't want them to hurt me. A little limited one might say, but I'm only human and as such, hampered by human behaviors and thinkings. That is all I try to do, be human, not even an enlightened human... just simply human.

I've already lost someone I love, thought not in death, the feeling of loss is still traumatic. A long time have passed but I'm still recovering. I cannot even begin to imagine what it'll be like to have someone really close to me die. Oh, there have been other relatives who passed away, but that was when I was too young to understand, or too much in between to care. But with age comes wisdom as an old saying goes... and sometimes that wisdom is not a welcome one. And now what I fear most was being left alone by myself to carry on when everybody else is gone.

I am here because of my family and my friends. Without them I would be lost. I don't deny that there might be some purpose for me other than being a part of a family or being a friend but I have no illusions as to how far I can go without their support. Sometimes it's hard when one is too honest with one's self.