friendly conversation

I saw a friend last week. We didn't have very long but I guess when it's between friends, a lot can be said and understood in a very short time.

She seemed okay, at least you get a feeling she's okay when you look at her, but not if you look long enough. She's getting restless(again), though where this restlessnes will take her I can only guess. She still has that haunted look in her eyes, one that she tried hard not to let me see. But when you've been down that road before you'll know. Of course I did not really press her on this, I think she has it in her mind to find out how I really am, so I played along. I almost forgot that sometimes she asks hard questions and the only way out was to answer them honestly.

First thing she asked me, "Do you still think of him?"

I said yes I do, on some days a lot but then again if I'm lucky I can go days/weeks without thinking of him. It's a "time" thing. Time does wonders to ones memories.

Does it still hurt? she asks.

Not as much as before, might be I'm healing, might be I'm numbed of it could be I don't care anymore. But once in a while it still gives a certain twist in the heart, a discomfort that I usually take care of with a long and fast drive in my car.

She said maybe it would help if I actually see him in person, you know like a getting over him thing.

I said maybe, but then again, maybe not. At this point I'm not willing to let go of my fragile calm. It already took me too long to get to this point and there's no point in risking anything just to satisfy a curiosity. I told her in time I will see him and know that it's okay, but not yet.

That's when she told me she saw an old flame of hers and said that it's fine with her. She's okay. That she saw some form of regret in his eyes.

I thought to myself, she's trying to make it okay. But as for me, I have to illusions as to what my state of mind is so I kept quiet. I think she wanted to show me she's gotten strong since the last time. I've no doubt about that, she has gotten strong, but not enough to look away at what she thought she saw in his eyes. I wanted to make sure that I'll have none to show by the time I see him again, regrets or no regrets. There can never be anything in between.

The she asked the most difficult question of all, and it doesn't have anything to do with whomever we were talking about. She wanted to know about a friend who is not so much of a friend now, my fault.

"Do you regret letting him go?" she wanted to know.

The biggest regret I have is losing a very dear friend. Someone who was there to lift me up no matter how low I've sunk. Someone who gave his life to me so I can have mine back. Someone who sacrificed himself so he can give me a good push to help me move on. Someone who loved me even if I cannot give him the love he deserved. Yes, there are some regrets, but I keep them to myself. He deserves to be happy or at least find someone who can give him the love I denied him.

On the way home I ended up thinking how ironic it was that the question the disturbed me most was the one of letting my friend go, of giving him up. I guess for this too I'd need a lot of time before I can think about it without doubting the decisions I've made.

Loneliness is a tough companion. It offers no relief, only sadness.

on forgiveness...

Sometimes it takes a great deal of suffering to find out who your real friends are. There were moments in the past where I have neglected these true friends in favor of those "friends" I thought were real at that time. I have found this out the hard way and have also suffered because of it. Thankfully, my true friends are still around to help me pick up the pieces of my once tattered life.

But what have I done to deserve this abandonment, the indifference? I guess it was partly my fault. I have hurt someone so bad and they gave their loyalty to him. It is not that I condemn their actions, but rather, I question it. For what do they know of the real circumstances surrounding this betrayal? They have not been part of my struggle to reclaim my life from the pits where it was thrown like some neglected and unimportant piece of trash.

It's been a long struggle and I'm afraid there's still more hardships to come. I am tiring but I know I will survive, just as I have survived losing my only reason for living. I know I have hurt someone so deeply, but not as deeply as I've hurt myself when I left him and let him go. He was the one who willed me to survive when I have given up. He will never know how much he has come to mean to me. And for all this I suffer, but always in silence. He gave me my life back, but I know I took his away when I left. But then, there are things that cannot be helped. One must do what one must do.

Now I live this life, the one he gave back to me, but I live it in emptiness. Empty because I have not forgiven myself. For my weakness, nor for my strength for they were the cause of all the pain. As I move towards the unknown, I hope for peace to finally find me. That in time I will learn forgiveness for myself. To view my mistakes as part of my imperfect life and somehow in doing so become whole again.