Was finally able to watch Star Wars Episode III. It's really good, but then I'm a fan so I'm biased. Only thing is, this movie should be watched with people who's got the same interest as you. That way, after the movie, you get to enjoy it more by discussing every bit and angle of it.
Missed watching this with you, Friend.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Monday, May 23, 2005
for you, sweetheart...
Happy birthday, sweetheart. I'm afraid this is as far as I can go. Even after almost nine years, I still call him sweetheart. Not that I'm still hoping we'd get back together again someday. No, I think I'm past hoping. I call him sweetheart because that's what he was and still is to me. Am I holding a torch for him, no more, the flames have gone out long ago with any hopes I might have. But it will be his birthday and I kind of gotten used to greeting him in my own way. Just to wish him well and to thank him for giving me the chance to be part of his life for a short time. To thanks him for showing me what love is, for making me feel loved, for helping me to be strong as I continue to live without him.
There were times, more than I care to count, that I would have gladly given in to despair, I welcomed death but even that was not given to me as an escape. So I moved on, and moved far away to try and find myself, give myself a chance to live again. So here I am, thousands of miles away, looking back, remembering and wishing my sweetheart happy birthday.
There were times, more than I care to count, that I would have gladly given in to despair, I welcomed death but even that was not given to me as an escape. So I moved on, and moved far away to try and find myself, give myself a chance to live again. So here I am, thousands of miles away, looking back, remembering and wishing my sweetheart happy birthday.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
more words found...
SCENE III
And so it went, my ex-husband almost always around when you least expect him to be. The children are in seventh heaven as I see myself being burned in eternal hell.
One time he picked up the kids from school and presented himself at my office.
"What are you doing here?" (Man, I thought, this line is getting old). And if looks could kill he'd be dead and we won't be having this ridiculous conversation.
"I picked up the kids, we're hoping you'd join us for dinner." He said.
Of course, my place of work being small as it is, everyone was curious as to who this man is picking me up to take me to dinner and with my children too. Nothing left to do but introduce him.
"Guys, this is my ex-husband." And I looked around telling myself that next time I have a bombshell to drop I'd have a camera to capture their faces. "I'm leaving," I said as I gathered all my stuff giving them a look that we'll talk about this later. Judging from the look on their faces I doubt it if a miracle can save me from questions the next day.
On the way down I looked at him and said, "You are not going to do this to me again. You cannot come to my office to pick me up with some excuse that you wanted me to join you and the kids for dinner. In case you have forgotten, you ARE my EX-HUSBAND, not my boyfriend, not my friend, not anybody considered close enough to me to pick me up from work."
"I'm so sorry, he said. I just thought it'll be nice to have dinner with everyone present, you know, Mom, Dad, and kids."
"But that's just it! We are not a family. When did you start forgetting that simple fact that we ended that relationship years ago? You are the Dad, yes. I am the Mom, yes. And they are our children, yes. But we are not a family. Remember that next time you think of another stunt like this.
Children are always best in diffusing the most volatile situations. Dinner turned out okay with me keeping my temper in check.
He took us home and said goodnight to the kids. I told them to get ready for bed and I'll check up on them shortly. I hate to burst my children's bubbles but I have to tell the exactly what's going on. I am not happy with the situation I'm being forced into and its time they know exactly where I stand.
I called for them to join me. They sat on each side and snuggled close to me on the couch. It's always a nice feeling that they seem to know when I need to be hugged.
"This is not going to work, you know." I started saying.
"What's not going to work?" My son asked.
"This thing that your Dad is trying to do, it's not going to work." I answered.
"Why not?" Asked my daughter.
"Because I'm not going back to him. He may be your Dad and I might have lived with him for nearly seven years but I'm not making the same mistake again. And please don't forget the most important reason why it's not going to work. I don't trust him not to mention the fact that I don't love him anymore. I haven't for a long time and I know I never will. I have never lied to you about how I feel and I'm not going to start now. I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it's just the way it is. I hope you understand. I'm sorry if you guys hoped it might turn out good. I told your Dad at the start that I don't want to give you guys false hopes. You know I'd do anything for the two of you, but this is one thing that I cannot, so I'm asking both of you to do this for me."
My children hugged me tighter and said, "We understand, Mama. Can he still keep coming here, though? Take us out, cook us food?" They asked hopefully.
"Yeah, sure." I said. "As long as both of you know how I feel and accept my stand on this matter." Giving in to my children's request even though I know it'll be hard on me to put up a good front all the time. No point of giving them more burden to bear. I'll keep this one to myself.
"Thank you, Mama." They both said and hugged me even tighter and kissed me on the cheek.
And so it went, my ex-husband almost always around when you least expect him to be. The children are in seventh heaven as I see myself being burned in eternal hell.
One time he picked up the kids from school and presented himself at my office.
"What are you doing here?" (Man, I thought, this line is getting old). And if looks could kill he'd be dead and we won't be having this ridiculous conversation.
"I picked up the kids, we're hoping you'd join us for dinner." He said.
Of course, my place of work being small as it is, everyone was curious as to who this man is picking me up to take me to dinner and with my children too. Nothing left to do but introduce him.
"Guys, this is my ex-husband." And I looked around telling myself that next time I have a bombshell to drop I'd have a camera to capture their faces. "I'm leaving," I said as I gathered all my stuff giving them a look that we'll talk about this later. Judging from the look on their faces I doubt it if a miracle can save me from questions the next day.
On the way down I looked at him and said, "You are not going to do this to me again. You cannot come to my office to pick me up with some excuse that you wanted me to join you and the kids for dinner. In case you have forgotten, you ARE my EX-HUSBAND, not my boyfriend, not my friend, not anybody considered close enough to me to pick me up from work."
"I'm so sorry, he said. I just thought it'll be nice to have dinner with everyone present, you know, Mom, Dad, and kids."
"But that's just it! We are not a family. When did you start forgetting that simple fact that we ended that relationship years ago? You are the Dad, yes. I am the Mom, yes. And they are our children, yes. But we are not a family. Remember that next time you think of another stunt like this.
Children are always best in diffusing the most volatile situations. Dinner turned out okay with me keeping my temper in check.
He took us home and said goodnight to the kids. I told them to get ready for bed and I'll check up on them shortly. I hate to burst my children's bubbles but I have to tell the exactly what's going on. I am not happy with the situation I'm being forced into and its time they know exactly where I stand.
I called for them to join me. They sat on each side and snuggled close to me on the couch. It's always a nice feeling that they seem to know when I need to be hugged.
"This is not going to work, you know." I started saying.
"What's not going to work?" My son asked.
"This thing that your Dad is trying to do, it's not going to work." I answered.
"Why not?" Asked my daughter.
"Because I'm not going back to him. He may be your Dad and I might have lived with him for nearly seven years but I'm not making the same mistake again. And please don't forget the most important reason why it's not going to work. I don't trust him not to mention the fact that I don't love him anymore. I haven't for a long time and I know I never will. I have never lied to you about how I feel and I'm not going to start now. I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it's just the way it is. I hope you understand. I'm sorry if you guys hoped it might turn out good. I told your Dad at the start that I don't want to give you guys false hopes. You know I'd do anything for the two of you, but this is one thing that I cannot, so I'm asking both of you to do this for me."
My children hugged me tighter and said, "We understand, Mama. Can he still keep coming here, though? Take us out, cook us food?" They asked hopefully.
"Yeah, sure." I said. "As long as both of you know how I feel and accept my stand on this matter." Giving in to my children's request even though I know it'll be hard on me to put up a good front all the time. No point of giving them more burden to bear. I'll keep this one to myself.
"Thank you, Mama." They both said and hugged me even tighter and kissed me on the cheek.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
trying to find the words...
SCENE I
It was a non-working weekend for me which is rare in itself. I just got up and was starting to make my morning cup of coffee. The kids are up and demanding breakfast. It's a nice day out and I'm thinking we could go out and do something for the day... My thoughts were interrupted with somebody walking in that is definitely not part of my rare weekend off.
"What are you doing here?", I said while looking at my two kids.
"I'm in the neighborhood so I decided to drop by and see how you guys are doing.", he said. "Would you guys like to go out for the day, you know just driving around, have fun?", he asked the kids. The kids of course jumped up and down saying they'd love that, while asking me if they can go.
"Of course", I said. "Go get your stuff ready, but don't be too late", I added.
"I was hoping you'd be coming with us", he said quietly.
The kids became more excited, probably thinking that it's going to be a real family outing for all of us. I told the kids to go to their room and get ready. Once they're out of earshot I asked,
"Why do you have to invite me in front of the kids? You know as well as I do that they'd be too excited at the prospect of a family day that I won't have the guts to say no."
"I was hoping you'd see it that way too. That way, you'd have no choice but to come with us. I just wanted to have the time to talk to you and this seems like the best idea," he said.
I looked at him curiously as warning signals flashed in my head. There was something different about him, but do I want to know. Then I told myself, what the heck, might as well find out what he's up to. I went to my room to change.
In the car, the kids are all smiles asking where we're going. He told them, wherever they want which added to their excitement. We stopped by at McDonald's for breakfast while the two fight it out as to where to go. They finally decided to go to a theme park.
Once we got there, there was really nothing for us adults to do but to follow them around making sure they get on and off the rides safely. And so it went, the children walking up front and the adults walking behind.
After some time, I finally asked,
"So what was it that you wanted to talk about? You really didn't have to take us out to talk to me, you could have done that at home."
"I know", he said. "But I wanted to do this. I wanted to know what it feels like to have a whole family having a fun day out in the sun."
"Then you should have taken your wife instead of me. That should give you your family. I'm not part of it," I said.
"But she's not the mother of my kids, you are. So if I wanted to feel what it's like to have a whole family, it has to be you," he said.
Warning bells are going crazy in my head. I know I should just walk out and let him take the kids home. That would be the safe thing to do. But I'm never known to do what is safe, so I press on.
"Exactly where is this conversation going?" I asked even though I dread what the answer might be.
"We've separated. I'll be filing for annulment next week. Things haven't been good between the two of us mainly because we couldn't have kids of our own," he said.
"Should that really be a problem? You have kids and she's welcome to them. I don't have any complaints with how she's treating my children. Shouldn't that work good for both of you, not really being strapped with kids, since both of you work a lot," I said hoping this would solve their problem and I don't have to hear any more about it. Since he doesn't know that I know exactly why she can't have kids, this conversation is way too weird to me.
"The children are actually the main reason why we've lasted this long. If they weren't there I doubt it if we would have lasted. But the burden of taking care of someone else's kids has been getting to her especially when she couldn't have her own. She keeps hoping that one day she'd have her own to take care of but it hasn't come yet, now she doubts if it ever will. Now the reason that kept us together is also the reason that is driving us apart," he said sadly.
"Is having kids the only reason why you two got together in the first place? I naturally thought that love is somehow involve in this. So, if both of you love each other, then kids or no kids should not be a problem. There's always adoption if she really wants a kid for her own, though why she'd want to adopt with these two around her, I don't know," I tried flippantly.
Now, I'm really having a heavy feeling about this entire situation. Do I have to be the one to hear about their marital problems? Not only do I not trust him but I do happen to be his ex-wife. This situation is sounding weirder by the minute.
"I wish it were," he said. "Can I ask a favor from you?" he asked. "Can I see the kids more often? drop by more often just to be with them or take them out? I need something comforting nowadays and being with the kids is the best," he said.
Now I'm thinking I really want to run and hide. This cannot be good. Everything in me is saying there's more to this than meets the eye. Got to be very careful, something stinks with this whole scenario that I can't quite put my finger on.
What elese can I say but sure, no problem. He did not exactly say anything that I can object to. But there's a sinking feeling at the back of my head. An idea as to where exactly he wants this situation to lead to. But then, my mind is always ahead of everybody else's and right now I have no proof that this is going to unfold as I thought it would, so I kept quiet and raised my guard.
As expected, the kids had a great time. I probably would have had a great time too if it weren't for the fact that I have to watch my ex-husband carefully. He just seems too attentive to me for my own comfort. Not too overly attentive for me to comment on it, but just enough to get my antenna up. For his part, he did look like he had fun. A safe guess would be he's trying to get what he has to do out of his mind. On the other hand, he might actually be cooking up a different thing altogether, which I'm more inclined to believe than the first one.
And so the day ended and he took us home and he left.
SCENE II
I woke up with the smell of coffee. Disoriented, I sat up in bed trying to figure out if I'd actually woken up earlier, put the coffee machine on and fell back to sleep. Then the smell of breakfast hit me and I told myself - no you couldn't have done that too, now get up and find out what's going on. I can hear my kids whispering as they move about and thought to myself, hmmm, they're making breakfast? So I moved quietly towards the kitchen to see what they're up to only to stop on my tracks when I heard another voice, familiar, but it certainly doesn't belong in my kitchen, in the morning, before I even had my coffee. I gave up the quiet mode and just simply walked in, it is my kitchen after all.
Everybody stopped what they were doing when I walked in. The children looked guilty as hell standing there with plates on their hands. My ex-husband stood there with that stupid smile on his face that he has when he's caught red handed. The eggs almost burned had I not seen it on time to rescue it. I did not say anything. I don't trust myself to say anything good at this point. I'm waiting for someone to explain to me what is going on in my own house.
My ex-husband finally opened his mouth to say something, probably because he knows I won't be the one to break that uneasy silence.
"I woke up early, haven't been sleeping right the last couple of days so I went here thinking I should save you the trouble to having to do anything. I made breakfast, we were actually hoping you'd sleep through it till we're done so the kids can surprise you with breakfast in bed." I stayed quiet. "Then I'm thinking I can take the kids off your hand for the day so you can do whatever you like, go shopping, get your hair done or something..." his voice trails off as he tries to see if he can figure out what I'm about to do to him.
He handed me my coffee and I have half the mind to throw it at his face which I didn't. So I sat down and took a sip, looking at my children's worried faces. I gave them a look that said I'll deal with you two later.
"Might as well eat, breakfast is no good cold," I said. The children relaxed and started their chatter again.
I looked squarely at my ex-husband and said, "what exactly are you trying to do here?"
"Just wanted to give you a real day off," he said smiling innocently. "How's the coffee? he asked.
"Fine." I said.
So we ate breakfast together that morning, the first after I walked out on him.
After breakfast, they told me to go to the living room and relax while they clean up the dishes. So armed with another cup of coffee I sat down on the couch facing the garden deep in thought as to what is going on that I should know about. I know at the back of my mind where this is leading but somehow I refuse to believe that it is actually happening. Not to me.
The children went to their room to get ready. He came and sat down next to me.
"Want a fresh cup?" pointing to my cold coffee. Gave the cup to him thinking what the heck, you want to wait on me? go ahead. So he got up and got me some more coffee.
When he came back I told him "I know what you're trying to do here. I don't trust you. You can have all the time you want with the kids but don't include me in it. I'm not interested."
He sighed. "I know that. Just give me the chance to do what I never did for you before. That's all I ask. The children are really happy that we are doing things together."
"And I'm suppossed to be okay with that?" I asked. "I'm suppossed to let you put ideas into the children's head, give them hope that eventually everything will be as it was? I'm supposssed to let you let them think that we might actually be getting back together?! Are you out of your mind?! I don't believe we're even discussing this!"
"Like I said, I'm not asking for anything, just the chance to do things right. It doesn't have to be what you're thinking, just a chance, please," he said quietly.
Just then the kids came out all ready to go. They looked at us questioningly as if trying to see if we've been arguing and the trip has been cancelled.
I stood up, gave them both a kiss and told them to have a good time. I walked them to the door. He turned and said, "Thank you."
I closed the door, walked back to the couch, sat down and asked God what I did to deserve this.
It was a non-working weekend for me which is rare in itself. I just got up and was starting to make my morning cup of coffee. The kids are up and demanding breakfast. It's a nice day out and I'm thinking we could go out and do something for the day... My thoughts were interrupted with somebody walking in that is definitely not part of my rare weekend off.
"What are you doing here?", I said while looking at my two kids.
"I'm in the neighborhood so I decided to drop by and see how you guys are doing.", he said. "Would you guys like to go out for the day, you know just driving around, have fun?", he asked the kids. The kids of course jumped up and down saying they'd love that, while asking me if they can go.
"Of course", I said. "Go get your stuff ready, but don't be too late", I added.
"I was hoping you'd be coming with us", he said quietly.
The kids became more excited, probably thinking that it's going to be a real family outing for all of us. I told the kids to go to their room and get ready. Once they're out of earshot I asked,
"Why do you have to invite me in front of the kids? You know as well as I do that they'd be too excited at the prospect of a family day that I won't have the guts to say no."
"I was hoping you'd see it that way too. That way, you'd have no choice but to come with us. I just wanted to have the time to talk to you and this seems like the best idea," he said.
I looked at him curiously as warning signals flashed in my head. There was something different about him, but do I want to know. Then I told myself, what the heck, might as well find out what he's up to. I went to my room to change.
In the car, the kids are all smiles asking where we're going. He told them, wherever they want which added to their excitement. We stopped by at McDonald's for breakfast while the two fight it out as to where to go. They finally decided to go to a theme park.
Once we got there, there was really nothing for us adults to do but to follow them around making sure they get on and off the rides safely. And so it went, the children walking up front and the adults walking behind.
After some time, I finally asked,
"So what was it that you wanted to talk about? You really didn't have to take us out to talk to me, you could have done that at home."
"I know", he said. "But I wanted to do this. I wanted to know what it feels like to have a whole family having a fun day out in the sun."
"Then you should have taken your wife instead of me. That should give you your family. I'm not part of it," I said.
"But she's not the mother of my kids, you are. So if I wanted to feel what it's like to have a whole family, it has to be you," he said.
Warning bells are going crazy in my head. I know I should just walk out and let him take the kids home. That would be the safe thing to do. But I'm never known to do what is safe, so I press on.
"Exactly where is this conversation going?" I asked even though I dread what the answer might be.
"We've separated. I'll be filing for annulment next week. Things haven't been good between the two of us mainly because we couldn't have kids of our own," he said.
"Should that really be a problem? You have kids and she's welcome to them. I don't have any complaints with how she's treating my children. Shouldn't that work good for both of you, not really being strapped with kids, since both of you work a lot," I said hoping this would solve their problem and I don't have to hear any more about it. Since he doesn't know that I know exactly why she can't have kids, this conversation is way too weird to me.
"The children are actually the main reason why we've lasted this long. If they weren't there I doubt it if we would have lasted. But the burden of taking care of someone else's kids has been getting to her especially when she couldn't have her own. She keeps hoping that one day she'd have her own to take care of but it hasn't come yet, now she doubts if it ever will. Now the reason that kept us together is also the reason that is driving us apart," he said sadly.
"Is having kids the only reason why you two got together in the first place? I naturally thought that love is somehow involve in this. So, if both of you love each other, then kids or no kids should not be a problem. There's always adoption if she really wants a kid for her own, though why she'd want to adopt with these two around her, I don't know," I tried flippantly.
Now, I'm really having a heavy feeling about this entire situation. Do I have to be the one to hear about their marital problems? Not only do I not trust him but I do happen to be his ex-wife. This situation is sounding weirder by the minute.
"I wish it were," he said. "Can I ask a favor from you?" he asked. "Can I see the kids more often? drop by more often just to be with them or take them out? I need something comforting nowadays and being with the kids is the best," he said.
Now I'm thinking I really want to run and hide. This cannot be good. Everything in me is saying there's more to this than meets the eye. Got to be very careful, something stinks with this whole scenario that I can't quite put my finger on.
What elese can I say but sure, no problem. He did not exactly say anything that I can object to. But there's a sinking feeling at the back of my head. An idea as to where exactly he wants this situation to lead to. But then, my mind is always ahead of everybody else's and right now I have no proof that this is going to unfold as I thought it would, so I kept quiet and raised my guard.
As expected, the kids had a great time. I probably would have had a great time too if it weren't for the fact that I have to watch my ex-husband carefully. He just seems too attentive to me for my own comfort. Not too overly attentive for me to comment on it, but just enough to get my antenna up. For his part, he did look like he had fun. A safe guess would be he's trying to get what he has to do out of his mind. On the other hand, he might actually be cooking up a different thing altogether, which I'm more inclined to believe than the first one.
And so the day ended and he took us home and he left.
SCENE II
I woke up with the smell of coffee. Disoriented, I sat up in bed trying to figure out if I'd actually woken up earlier, put the coffee machine on and fell back to sleep. Then the smell of breakfast hit me and I told myself - no you couldn't have done that too, now get up and find out what's going on. I can hear my kids whispering as they move about and thought to myself, hmmm, they're making breakfast? So I moved quietly towards the kitchen to see what they're up to only to stop on my tracks when I heard another voice, familiar, but it certainly doesn't belong in my kitchen, in the morning, before I even had my coffee. I gave up the quiet mode and just simply walked in, it is my kitchen after all.
Everybody stopped what they were doing when I walked in. The children looked guilty as hell standing there with plates on their hands. My ex-husband stood there with that stupid smile on his face that he has when he's caught red handed. The eggs almost burned had I not seen it on time to rescue it. I did not say anything. I don't trust myself to say anything good at this point. I'm waiting for someone to explain to me what is going on in my own house.
My ex-husband finally opened his mouth to say something, probably because he knows I won't be the one to break that uneasy silence.
"I woke up early, haven't been sleeping right the last couple of days so I went here thinking I should save you the trouble to having to do anything. I made breakfast, we were actually hoping you'd sleep through it till we're done so the kids can surprise you with breakfast in bed." I stayed quiet. "Then I'm thinking I can take the kids off your hand for the day so you can do whatever you like, go shopping, get your hair done or something..." his voice trails off as he tries to see if he can figure out what I'm about to do to him.
He handed me my coffee and I have half the mind to throw it at his face which I didn't. So I sat down and took a sip, looking at my children's worried faces. I gave them a look that said I'll deal with you two later.
"Might as well eat, breakfast is no good cold," I said. The children relaxed and started their chatter again.
I looked squarely at my ex-husband and said, "what exactly are you trying to do here?"
"Just wanted to give you a real day off," he said smiling innocently. "How's the coffee? he asked.
"Fine." I said.
So we ate breakfast together that morning, the first after I walked out on him.
After breakfast, they told me to go to the living room and relax while they clean up the dishes. So armed with another cup of coffee I sat down on the couch facing the garden deep in thought as to what is going on that I should know about. I know at the back of my mind where this is leading but somehow I refuse to believe that it is actually happening. Not to me.
The children went to their room to get ready. He came and sat down next to me.
"Want a fresh cup?" pointing to my cold coffee. Gave the cup to him thinking what the heck, you want to wait on me? go ahead. So he got up and got me some more coffee.
When he came back I told him "I know what you're trying to do here. I don't trust you. You can have all the time you want with the kids but don't include me in it. I'm not interested."
He sighed. "I know that. Just give me the chance to do what I never did for you before. That's all I ask. The children are really happy that we are doing things together."
"And I'm suppossed to be okay with that?" I asked. "I'm suppossed to let you put ideas into the children's head, give them hope that eventually everything will be as it was? I'm supposssed to let you let them think that we might actually be getting back together?! Are you out of your mind?! I don't believe we're even discussing this!"
"Like I said, I'm not asking for anything, just the chance to do things right. It doesn't have to be what you're thinking, just a chance, please," he said quietly.
Just then the kids came out all ready to go. They looked at us questioningly as if trying to see if we've been arguing and the trip has been cancelled.
I stood up, gave them both a kiss and told them to have a good time. I walked them to the door. He turned and said, "Thank you."
I closed the door, walked back to the couch, sat down and asked God what I did to deserve this.
Monday, May 16, 2005
words are not enough
Two weeks passed with me not writing anything down. Does that mean I ran out of things to say? On the contrary, I think it's because this time words are not enough. Words are not sufficient to effectively express how I feel. But I guess I should at least try. It's like putting a face to the enemy so to speak.
And what exactly am I talking about? A dream. Seemingly innocent, something that is so remote that I should not even be bothered to remember. But here I am, remembering, and fearing that it might happen. Fearing it so much that I asked my best friend to pray that it doesn't come to pass. Hoping that by our combined efforts, the karma that envelops them would be lifted.
And what exactly am I talking about? A dream. Seemingly innocent, something that is so remote that I should not even be bothered to remember. But here I am, remembering, and fearing that it might happen. Fearing it so much that I asked my best friend to pray that it doesn't come to pass. Hoping that by our combined efforts, the karma that envelops them would be lifted.
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