quietly waiting...

Things have been quiet... maybe too quiet. Could it be the calm before the storm?

Around this time last year, I was still busily minding my own business. A little miserable perhaps with the burden of an old love, but my life was still my own. Shortly after that, I would discover that what I was hanging on to was the memory of a love, a dream of what could have been, and a silent wish for forever. T'was a lasting memory, a great but broken dream, and lasted a very long time, until you came.

You showed me that love need not be a memory, but rather a part of life, a wonderful thing felt deep down in my soul. You gave me new dreams, so vivid, so real. Forever? I honestly do not know. What I know is that my love for you is not merely a part of my thought, it is not simply felt by my heart, but a vital part of my soul.

And so I stay quiet, calmly accepting, knowing no storm can alter what half my lifetime nourished, my love for you.

random thoughts

I miss you... in my mind your smile comes alive, your touch warms my senses, your kiss... ah!

I love you... rarely expressed, but nevertheless felt. The truth, though hiddden is still very much my reality.

Tears... only mine to shed, helpless but resigned, needing but never asking... still one can hope.

Someday... you and me as one.

aimless wandering...

You once asked me, what am I passionate about? What is the one thing that I really believe in, enough for me to sacrifice everything I have to be able to keep it. To be honest, I have never given it any thought... not until I lost it.

I am passionate about life. I believe in it so much that no amount of hurt or pain would make me want to curtail it. I've been hurt so bad, to the point of wishing myself dead... but still I live. Yet now, I feel that very same passion ebb away. Losing a life, so closely connected to one's own... yes, I can feel myself dying a little everyday.

Yet I live... with enough life left in me to love you... and yet, it will never be the same.

Sorry...

Sorry. Somehow, that doesn't seem to be enough. I've failed you in the worst possible way... there was nothing I could do, simply because I did not know.

Nothing was planned, it wasn't expected, I was caught totally off guard. And for that, I suffer. The truth hurts more than I can bear right now, it pains me more than any physical discomfort I had to endure. And right now, I hate myself... for not knowing, for failing you, and for not having the guts to tell you the truth.

Sorry... somehow saying it always fails to convey its meaning.

Ignorance...

How do you lose something you never knew you had? How do you deal with the loss when you never had the pleasure of knowing? How can you possible grasp the reason, when logic is not what it seemed?

I never knew... such a lame excuse. Seems to be happening to me a lot these days. I should have known... but who am I kidding? Aside from the fact that I found myself overwhelmingly in love with you, I know of nothing else since I got myself into this situation. Sad, isn't it?

There are no regrets, only profound sadness. In time, this too shall pass. One can only hope...

too late, too soon...

Sometimes I wish that there are words to express how I feel. Somehow, saying I love you can never be enough. Words create stories, sometimes sad, oftentimes amusing... but words also hide secrets, of real feelings, of immense hurt, of love.


I too wonder why words escape me whenever you're around. It's not that I do not have stories to tell, but somehow , making small talk when the most important thing in the world is not clear is beyond me. I'm so sorry to disappoint you, but I am just not myself. It gets too hard at times to stop myself that it would appear that I do not care.


Silence... yes, I do indulge in that a lot... I guess too much sometimes that it annoys you. But what is it that you expect me to say, when you say nothing at all. I do not ask for much, just something to let me know what you want from me... where you want me to be in your life, if you want me at all. I know it is not my place to ask for anything... but I think even I deserve that much.

I love you... you must know that. There's nothing that I'd like more than be by your side. But maybe you're right... I was too late.

my eternity...

What do you say to the person you love, when it's taking all your will power to stop yourself from saying I love you? How do you act in front of him, when you cannot show how much you care? What can you talk about, when you cannot share the future? When you shouldn't even have a past? How do you live today, when there is no tomorrow and yesterday is but a dream?

Yesterday is gone, Now they are only memories, something to keep me company in the days to come, something to make me smile, definitely cry, and maybe... give me some comfort, a tiny flicker of hope that someday, whatever we couldn't have in the yesteryear... we could have for eternity.

Tomorrow?... my mind draws a blank... without you, there is no tomorrow. I could spend my entire lifetime going through the motions of living... but without you... there is no life.

Today, now... you are here with me. And though it pains me to think how little time we have... today at least, I am alive, free for a while to love you. Just for today, there is only us... the forever I will keep in my heart. An eternity lived in a day with you.

almost lover...

Words might remain unuttered, feelings rarely shown. Fate holding us back, distance keeping us apart. When all is said and done, no matter how things turn out to be... know one thing to be true, I love you.

goodbye sweetheart

And so it came to pass, I can now honestly say that I loved you... I did, but no more. For more than ten years, you have been my life. The memory of you kept me alive. Before the memory of what once was fade into nothing, I'd like to say goodbye...

For everything that you made me feel, for what came afterwards, for everything that led me to where I am... thank you. Little did I realize, as I run away from your memory, I've been running towards my forever...

more questions...

How do you stop yourself from falling in love? More so, how do you stop loving someone? Will time and distance help in forgetting? Or will it only serve to heighten the feeling of loss, of missing that person, of wanting to be with him?

I wish I knew the answers, maybe then I would know what to do. Because right now, I'm at a loss, and I am lost without you...

Fallen

Friends turned into lovers... can we still be friends?
I should have been stronger for us.
You should have listened to me.
I should not have fallen for you...
But I did.
My fault?
Yours?
Fate?
Love?

miracle wanted

You called asking why I haven't been calling you. I said, "I didn't want to bother you because I know you're busy." And you said, you're not, not for my calls anyway. And then you asked if I was sulking because you haven't called me. I said no, because it would be a waste of time to do that. To which you said it's not. So I just said, I'm busy, you're busy, so not calling is ok.

The truth? I miss you so much it hurts. I am forcing myself not to call you, not to think of you... to maybe turn back time and forget I ever fell in love with you. But I can't. Most of the time I can stop myself from calling you, but I cannot stop myself from thinking of you. Nor can I help it when I miss you... to get over loving you? I need another miracle.

This morning, driving to get some errands done, I was suddenly hit by overwhelming sadness. With tears streaming down my face, I pulled over to get a hold of myself. What I feared is here.

Missing you, loving you has taken it's toll.

Still, to this day... I love you.

full circle...

People always say, "everything happens for a reason", only it is up to us to find what that reason could be.


I never questioned why you came back into my life. I just figured, the timing must have been right for me to find you again. And I am glad for the friendship we shared, something that never got affected with the passing of time and the distance between us... maybe... till now.

Time has never been on our side, I should have known that. It was time that robbed us of a chance to explore life together back then. Destiny intervened and gave us another chance to be together once more. But as before, time stepped in. We were too late. Do we wait another twenty years? Do we even have that much time? We never do...

A few hours out of a lifetime... enough to love you. At times when all is quiet, I see you and wish... for a lifetime together instead of just a few hours, to be able to hold your hand, see you smile, hear you laugh, to wake up next to you, or just watch you sleep, but most of all, for the chance to show you how much I do love you. I don't say it much, maybe not even show it at times, but that's just the way it has to be... because you are not mine.

I love you and I miss you... but I miss my friend too. Life has already taken so much that I sometimes wonder exactly what it has given me. But then, of course, it comes full circle... you.

to love somebody...

Just when I thought I was too numb to feel
you came along and showed me what is real
for a moment time stopped allowing me to see
what life could have been if I have you with me

but then, that was just a dream
something that I would not want to wish
for I love you enough to let you be
with someone you love even though it is not me.

missing you...

I see your smile, I hear your laughter, I feel your touch... all seem real, but they are not. It's in my mind, the memory you left behind, the reason why I stay sane while I miss you.

second chances...

Hello. The only word that came to mind when I laid eyes on you again. When you left, I thought that would be the last. Our goodbye. But, you came back... only for a while, and was gone again. Part of me was glad, seeing you, holding you, reliving the magic that we found not so long ago. I almost wished that we could be together, but I did not.

Words never said were finally uttered. Feelings that were denied finally set free. Ah, if only life were that simple... And so, for the second time we said goodbye, and while still tucked safely in your arms, I put away this memory... thanked whatever brought you back, but stopped short of wishing.

you in me...

Looking out the window, looking into my soul, I see you. Slowly, I am finding my place, my little bit of heaven, my moment of bliss. For a moment, doubt crept in, causing me pain, filling me with sorrow. But... my heart felt you and my doubts went away.

I love you. It is only right that I say how I feel about you. You've always said I should know how you feel, and I guess I do, for you have shown me. Still, I know in my heart I wish to hear those words from you, if only to keep it in my memory.

It amazes me how you make me feel. Happy... content...secure... in the knowledge that there is something special between us. Time and distance matters not. In my mind and in my heart, you are here, with me... always.

Untitled

A shore that witnessed countless sunsets
A wave to wipe away traces of the past
A freedom to create new memories to treasure
A hope to strengthen my heart came at last

A cry to the heavens
A wish for forever
A certainty of nothing
A love time denied

A feeling of helplessness
A body longing for your touch
A mind overcoming the odds
A heart beating for your love

A past that gave me sweet memories
A now that is spent miles apart
A future that was promised nothing
A moment of you and me as one

Dare I go on, or should I walk away?
Live a life knowing, yet always denying
That what we have is stronger than who we are
Together forever, but still worlds apart.

-----maria