what could've been... what I lost...

And so the question resurfaced… a question of long ago. We never gave it a chance, never faced the truth of what we had. Are we going to let it go unanswered again, for another twenty years or so? What exactly are we afraid of?

It all seems unfair. It almost brought me back to yesterday. You left, with no goodbyes… with me wondering where I went wrong or if I misread what I saw in your eyes. Did I? Am I making the same mistake now? Did I see something that wasn’t there to begin with? Now I am sorry. Sorry that I tried to be honest with how I feel. Sorry that I tried to find out the truth, sorry that I gave myself a chance, sorry to have thought that maybe for once I was wrong and you were right.

I always forget that other people are not like me. Sometimes, not knowing is better than having the knowledge that can only hurt the people we hold dear. I know myself. I should have been stronger for both of us. I know how it feels to hurt other people and how to get hurt in return. Did I not master that concept trying to get to where I am now? But it seems that I failed to learn the lesson that was taught.

Yes, I know. You belong to someone else. You share with her that elusive "spark" we all strive to find in our lifetime. But what exactly did we have? Yes, I say that now as I see and feel it, all a part of the past. It is what I have known all along. The minute we strive for something beyond our friendship, is the minute we start losing what we have… each other.

Lines from an old song come to mind…

"What do we mean to each other, am I friend am I lover or is over now? If this is it then my brother, tell me where do we take it from here? What do we mean to each other am I friend am I lover or is it over now? Do you love me still or do you just mean well?"

I guess whatever questions we might have will indeed remain unanswered. I will never ask because now I am afraid to know the answer. I will never say anything because I do not want to burden you any further. I might feel guilty for my own reasons, but I do not regret, nor will I ever look at what we shared as a mistake that needed to be set right.

This I think says a lot… an old love song…

The flowers that you gave me
Are just about to die
When I think about what could've been
Makes me want to cry
The sweet words you whispered
Didn't mean a thing
I guess our song is over
As we begin to sing

Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
Could've been my lover
Everyday of my life
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
I'll never know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night

The memories of our lovin'
Still linger in the air
Like the faded scent of your roses
Stay with me everywhere
Everytime I get my hopes up
They always seem to fall
Still what could've been
Is better than what could never be at all

Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
Could've been my lover
Everyday of my life
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
You can't know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night

Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
You can't know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night
Ni-ooh-ight
Ni-ooh-ight
How can you know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night

On cold and lonely nights, I do not think anymore of what could have been. I never dream for something more. Nor do I wish for the unattainable. I can only think of what I am missing, my friend by my side.

One who could not stay...

Goodnight

(- Helena Henderson )

Gladly would I hold you
Close, and drink your darkness.
The hidden, landlocked ocean
Of tears shed and unshed
She said.

But not aloud. So one ran lightly
Up the narrow staircase
To his unlighted windows.
And one who could not stay
Drove away.

lest I forget...

Internal Exile
- Rachel Loden

What you will not dream
is forced on you
in the mirror,
drags in your mouth
like a toungue...

The orchid boat
drifts empty
through the stars.
Why must you lie down
where there are no flowers?

What you will not live
eats through the closet
like a moth,
is fattened
on a meal of dust.

You have gone
to that distant city
as some enter a shrine,
not to worship
but to be forgotten.

ending confusion...

Almost a month and nothing to show for it. It was never really about confusion, but more of a refusal to face the consequences of what it could all mean... for me. I have been in love, maybe still is in love for all I know. I've been hurt to the point where I cared not if I were to die. Years... it took years for me to finally see hope that the hurting will finally end. And now that I do, it might just be all for nothing.

You made me forget and helped me find happiness, yes. For that I shall forever be thankful. But in doing so, we somehow managed to both forget the consequences of our actions. But life has a way of balancing things out. I have never lied to myself and will not start doing so now. The time that we shared, the kiss that started it all, and what happened afterwards... I know it means more than what I am willing to admit... and will probably never admit. It already took so long in coming that I almost missed it altogether. But it did come, and it did happen, and I know eventually... it will hurt. But before it does, I will treasure these moments of happiness. Lying alone in my bed, I think of you. Sleeping, I dream of you. As I go about my business everyday, I miss you. If I want to label what it is I'm going through, then I guess I could say I am falling for you (if I haven't already fallen, but of course I will never admit that). I like this fragile kind of freedom that knowing you has given me. It is not perfect, it can still go either way, but it is the first chance I've had to be free to choose... to stay in love with a dream or to try and find my reality. I chose to find reality, but not to find it in you. In this day and age, a lot of people still believe in fairy tales... in happy endings. I also wish for a happy ending, but I will not wish it with you. You have your own happy ending and it is not with me.

I never meant for any of these to happen, but it did. I can say I'm sorry, but I'm not. In fact, I am glad, it might be a little too late, and we were both out of line, but how can I say sorry for something that made me happy? We might continue to travel different paths, continue to live separate lives... but I will always remember that point in time, where our paths met and our lives crossed to create that magical moment, something to remember you by, something to make me smile... a time when I was yours, and for a moment you were mine.

a dream towards reality...

"Only fools dream of the one thing they can't have."
"I dreamed the dream of you. It was a sweet dream... while it lasted."
- - - excerpts from the First Knight.

I love you sweetheart. For the longest time, I have been in love with you. For years I have kept this feeling inside of me and moved on with my life. I would rather have spent those years with you, showing you how I feel, to share with you something special, to build a life with you, to wake up in the morning with you beside me, create memories that we can look back to together when we are old. But all that... was only a dream. A dream that I am slowly waking up from.

Precious times spent with you were few and far in between. There were more heartaches to overshadow those memories of you, but for some reason, your smile, your laughter, the gentleness with which you held my hand, your kiss... they stayed and made life without you somewhat bearable. I've been to hell and back just trying to get over you... year after year I hoped for a miracle, something to ease the pain of loving you and not have you in my life. It never came, till now.

Stepping beyond the boundaries of loving you and into the unknown scares me the most. For years, I have hoped, wished and even prayed that you would find it in your heart to tell me the truth. You never did... that hurt me the most, not knowing why. Maybe the answers will still come, maybe not... it can only happen in it's own good time. All my life is because of you... but now I am beginning to see me.

I do not wish for a new beginning, I do not wish to forget, but rather I want life to continue and for me to remember that dream of you, for it took me to where I am, made me to what I am and showed me what I can still be. I love you, maybe I always will, but you will be my dream and part of my memory... and hopefully one day, someone else can be part of my life and become my reality.

convincing myself otherwise...

I miss you. This is such an odd thing to say, at least for me. Till a few weeks back, all I've been missing is a person from my past. Someone that's been conspicuously absent, but nevetheless part of my life. Missing him had been natural, but right now, I am missing you... why? The answer evades me, or should I say I am evading the answer?

I promised myself not to place too much meaning into that kiss. It was something that just happened, never planned, certainly not forseen, totally unexpected, but nevertheless inevitable. Yes, I see that now. Do you remember that first time you kissed me? Long ago, on top of a mountain, overlooking the bay? We were taking in the view, it was breathtaking. We were holding hands, you turned to look at me, and I looked at you, and we kissed. And that was more breathtaking than anything else at that time. Ah, the innocence of youth. The promise of tomorrow... never realized. I could say it was easier to move on, but in truth, life moved and we have to move with it. Memories were tucked away, until now...

Years have come and gone. We've lived our own lives. Was it destiny or was it fate that decided to play a trick on us, to let our paths cross again, to make it possible to see each other once more, to let us remember what it was like, to build memories together, and to share one more kiss...breathtaking. But I promised myself, and you... well...

We've always been friends, back then and now. And if everything else fades into memory again, I will always feel blessed to have you as part of my life.

here's to a little hope...

I have but one certainty in my life... that I love you, sweetheart. Only now, this is slowly becoming a certainty of the past. I will not say that I am over you... no, not yet. I cannot say that I don't love you anymore, for that would be a lie. But maybe, just maybe, there is hope.

Hope did not come easy nor is it without a price. But right now, I am just glad that it did. For now, I can feel that loving you need not hurt me as much, missing you is not as bad. I do not know how long this feeling will last, but I intend to enjoy it as much as I can, if only to have some moments of peace to tide me over should you come back full force to make me realize that there can only be you.

Long ago, a friend told me this, "Love took you captive... it is also love that will set you free." I never took it seriously, how can I when there was only you? All this time, you have always been in my mind and in my heart. Not a day pass by that I don't think of you. Not a thought escape my consciousness without you in it. Not till one weekend...

A weekend... when all thoughts of you left me, all because of one kiss. A kiss and what came afterwards opened a door for me to finally find hope. To let me reluctantly believe that maybe, there is life without you. To others, it would seem like a typical weekend, but to me, it was something else... and for the first time in years, I was happy. It was a weekend where I was able to let go and just live for the moment.

To the one who made it happen, you will never know how much it all meant to me. I look back to our time together and know that it will help me keep the hope alive. We have our own lives to live and like a line from a movie, "our destinies have always been intertwined, but never joined." It matters not that there is no us, but I am blessed to have had a you, me and a memory.

a complicated life

I miss you, you said. Do you know that, you asked. I should have said yes, because in truth, I am missing you too. But I said no, I do not want to expect because I might get disappointed.

What a waste. Word play... the things people would do and say to protect oneself from getting hurt. Yes, I am finding out that I can still get hurt. I found myself confused at being happy for the first time in years... because of you.

And so I said, I miss you too, you should know that. Only now, you said, because nothing was ever said before. Honesty, when should it start and when should it end? And where will it lead us?... ah yes, it is indeed a complicated life.

seeking confusion...

I hope someday I can fully understand the myriad of emotions that surfaced during our weekend together. I tried to plan, to prepare myself to face the unknown that your visit entail. Still, I was caught off guard. Perhaps I underestimated what we had twenty years ago. There were so many questions left unanswered... and all it took was one kiss.

A kiss... everything else faded. You, me, locked in a warm embrace; your lips, mine, seeking what we lost... and then was found.

I lost you once... but then I didn't know what I would be missing. And now you are here, for the moment, I am yours, though you will never be mine. Time lost recovered in those few hours... memories made to last a lifetime.

Time passed too quickly and you are now back where you belong... and here I stayed, somewhat confused, unwilling to find the truth, and a little sad because what had been left unsaid twenty years ago still remained unsaid. And then again, it could only be me, and not you. Perhaps that too will remain unanswered.

Friends above all else... more, never less.

one weekend...

One weekend... a few days out of a lifetime. That was all that we had. It doesn't seem fair, but then, who am I to complain? Somehow, things will turn out right, but it will never be the same. Too much, too little... I wish it could be more but will never wish it less.

Too late... maybe. A perfect fit... definitely. But reality has to be faced, and so you must leave. I will keep the memories until such time when maybe, fate would let us share more than a weekend of our lives.

On letting go...

The Art of Letting Go
by consrael

It's over. He's gone.

Why do we have to part while the love is still there? Why do we have to suffer? Why do we have to cry when somebody bids goodbye? Why do beginnings have an end? Why do we have to meet only to lose in the end?

There are questions left unanswered, words left unsaid, letters left unread, poems left undone, songs left unsung, love left unexpressed, promises left unfulfilled.

In a relationship, one of the hardest things to do is saying goodbye and letting go. It is as hard as breaking a crystal because you'll never know when you will be able to pick up the pieces again. More often than not, they who go, feel not the pain of parting: it is they who stay behind that suffer, because they are left with memories of a love that was meant to be, a love that was.

At the beginning and at the end of a relationship, we are embarrassed to find ourselves alone. Unfair as it may seem, but that's the way love goes. That's the drama, the bittersweet and the risk of falling in love. After all, nothing is constant but change. Everything will eventually come to its end without us knowing when, without us knowing how, without us even knowing why. And we must forget not because we have to but because we have to.

In letting go, sorrows come not as a single spy but in batallion. It seems that everywhere you go, everything you do, every song you hear, every turn of your head, every move of your body, every beat of your heart, every blink of your eye and every breath you take always reminds you of him. It's like a stab of a knife, a torture in the night. Funny how the whole world becomes depopulated when only one person is missing. Just imagine, there are billion people on earth and yet it seems you feel lonely and empty without the other.

I don't know if it's worth calling an art, but letting go entails special skills sparkled with a considerable space and time. Time heals all wounds but it takes a little push on our part. Acceptance plays a part. Not all love stories end with "...and they live happily ever after."

Sometimes we have to part because of circumstances beyond our control. We have to suffer if it would mean happiness for others. We have to cry to temporarily let go of the pains. Every beginning has its end like every dawn has its dusk. It's something we can't control, something we had to live up.

It's over. He's gone. But life has to go on. Goodbye doesn't always mean forever. There will always be a place and time where questions will be answered, words will be spoken, letters will be read, poems will be recited in the night, songs will be sung in harmony, love will be expressed in solitude and promises will be fulfilled. Somewhere. Somehow. Someday.

a letter...

Hello Sweetheart,

I know you're doing fine. Better than I am, but I don't hold that against you. In fact I'm glad. I would have been more devastated if you were not okay.

Sometimes it scares me how time seem to go so fast. But most of all, it scares me that even though a long time had passed, it would seem that I am still living in yesterday. Yes, it still feels like I am living in yesterday. In a time where you looked at me with love in your eyes. A time where I felt happy, content, and secure in the knowledge that no matter what happens, everything will turn out right because you are with me. But that time is long gone. More than a decade if I care to count the years. You were in my life for such a short period of time that it really amazes me why you’re still in my thoughts and in my heart. I know I should have gotten over you by now, forgotten you a little even. But no, you are still very much alive in me. You are still a part of me even though we have been apart for longer than I can remember. Remember when I told you that you have my heart? That is true. I have given you my heart because I know I love you with all of me. Now that we are apart, I have most of myself except my heart.

I haven’t gotten far in trying to get over you. I don’t think I ever will. But still I will try. I owe it to myself, but most of all, I have to find a way to fulfill a promise that I made, to be happy. In retrospect I know I shouldn’t have made that promise. It is not even logically possible. But I have never broken a promise before, and I don’t intend to do so now.

I am not sure how I can do this. I have tried anger… at the thought that you did not even listen to me, much less try to understand or make me understand what went wrong. I even went through that denial stage… begging to be heard, asking for forgiveness (even though I don’t understand what I needed to ask forgiveness for), acceptance that it is really over, even berating myself that you never really loved me at all, that all we had was not real, that you were just playing with my feelings, that what I felt, what I saw, what I knew to be true, was all on me, never you.

I went through all the emotions, but in the end, there is still you, in my heart. Now I am just tired, but I will try again. Not to forget, not to stop loving you, but only to be happy without you.

you...

lost again...

I woke up this morning feeling lost. I tried to remember what I dreamed about to give me this feeling, but I failed. The whole day I tried to shake off the feeling, but again I failed. Suddenly it dawned on me... I feel lost not because I dreamed of you, but because I am without you. The cold reality of life without you struck me down yet again. I wish I can just will you away. I wish I can wake up one day and not feel lost. I wish I can find myself believing that there is life and love without you. I wish I can stop myself from wishing because I'm finally over you...

I move on... hoping for a miracle. If not a life with you, then a blessed release from loving you will do.

Goodbye 2006

Cold weather, pristine snow, spectacular sunsets, a hot cup of coffee in front of a lighted fireplace... and my memories of you. A potent mixture sure to lead to a breakdown, wouldn't you say? But surprisingly, I was okay. Goodbye 2006, the hardest year that I had to go through to date.

No denying I shed some tears, that I felt an old ache in my heart, wished things could have been different... I guess these would never leave me when I think of you, but I am better. Took a really long time and a promise to someone very dear, a harder task than just getting over you... to be happy again.

It's been three months since I made that promise. I admit, I am far from being happy, but I know I will get there eventually. Like I said last year, maybe next year...

How do I...

The past few weeks have been hectic. Hardly a day went by when I'd have time for myself. Too many things needed to get done. Too many people to deal with. Too many memories to keep at bay.

Things to do get done. Poeple can be dealt with. Memories... well, this is something I have to live with.

Yes, my love. I do miss you. I may not write as often about you, or about my feelings for you, but yes, you're still very much in my mind and in my heart. I may be busy getting things done, but your smile is what keeps me going. How can I find happiness without you? How can I hope for a better me without you to guide me? How do I make myself believe in tomorrow when I still live for yesterday?

Christmas is just around the corner. Winter has set in... people are in a rush and full of holiday cheer... and yet here I am... and there you are... worlds apart.

never too late...

Life has a way of dealing you the unexpected. As it was, this post is a month too late, but that doesn't mean I have forgotten. No, in fact I have vivid memories of that day. I was still awake as night turned into day. In spite of everything that happened the last couple of days, during quiet times, my mind turned to him. It was the 10th year of the day I fell in love. The 10th year when we had our first real dinner together, the night I realized what love was all about.

I wanted to see you, maybe finally clear things up, but I had responsibilities to attend to, the timing wasn't right. Maybe I will never find out, maybe that's the way things are supposed to remain. Ten years, sweetheart. I wanted to say I'm over you, but I'd be lying.

I made a promise to someone very special, a promise that I know will be very hard to keep. But I intend to fulfill that promise no matter what it takes. I love you, sweetheart and I know I will continue to do so. I also know that time will come and I will see you again, if only to lay to rest what I feel for you.

Happy anniversary, sweetheart.

persistent pest 2

Funny how people react when faced with the truth. It was so much fun letting you leave a message on my blog and seeing how you react to whatever is posted here. You need some anger management courses. You're the one who needs to see a psychiatrist/psychotherapist to resolve your issues. Grow up! I may have lost a love but I was never as miserable and pathetic as you. Oh, and goodluck to.... did you say your girlfriend? or was that your fantasy?

persistent pest

Of some interest is somebody's persistence to know what has been going on in my life. Why? I don't know, nor do I care. But sometimes it makes me wonder why people who are not part of my life insist on "butting in" so to speak, just to be noticed.

I happen to like writing, whether it is nonsense or something important depends on my mood. Most of the time, I consider my writing of no consequence to anyone except me. I write of my dreams, feelings, my past life and yes, my one true love. I have never kept a diary in my entire life so most of what I write comes from memory. If memory fails, then I opt not to write because it will not be accurate. I guess this is my way of keeping track of my life as it is now.

A lot have changed. My friend always said that I'm romantically hopeless, because up to now I still profess my love for him. It never mattered that we are not together, that he turned his back on me... that I had to go far away to try and forget. None of those mattered because I know what I feel now and I know what I will be feeling even if another decade passes by. My love for him is the only certainty that I have in my life. Everything else is bound to change, but not my love. After ten long years... nothing about that has changed.

As for people who continue to be jealous (?) envious (?) or simply ignorant as to what it really means to love, this is my life, my love. You have your life... live in it instead of trying to live it in mine. My life was shared once with him... that is the way it will always stay.

why?

I saw you from afar. You said I shouldn't go because people are starting to suspect that there is something going on between us. But fate stepped in and my day was left free to find you. I got on the bus and traveled far to cheer you on... but only from afar, for I do not want you to be mad at me.

The competition has already started, I saw you trying your best to perform what was asked of you. But I also saw your pain, for your body hinders you from being your best. And the worst kind of pain... the pain of defeat when the other team bested your team. It wasn't that your team didn't win, but knowing how competitive you are, not being first means losing. I saw you slumped to the ground, your mind probably going over every angle of the competition, thinking where you went wrong, what was missing. You looked so tired, forlorn, I wanted to come out of hiding to come to you, comfort you, to tell you that we'll try again and do better next time. But I heard your voice telling me that we should not be seen too much together, not yet. So I restrained myself, saying I will do that later, when we are alone, when I can hold you in my arms and try to take the pain of losing away with my love for you.

But things didn't work out as I hoped. You turned away from me after that. You got mad that I went against your wish for me not to come and watch you compete, that after that I accepted a ride from the opposing team, that I befriended them as we shared that ride. You accused me of lying to you. I told you everything that happened, almost word for word when you asked me to recount to you what had been said. You refused to listen to me and instead listened to lies perpetuated by a person who wanted you for herself. I tried so hard to make you see reason, but all you could think about was the fact that I hid myself from you...when all I wanted to do was take you in my arms and kiss your frustrations and pain away.

All that love, all the happiness that I knew back then when we were together, swept away by your anger. I thought our love would have been strong enough to get us through that, but I was wrong. Oh, how wrong I was. I tried to give you some space, enough so you'll calm down and maybe give me a chance to explain myself. But all it ever did was to take you further away from me.

And now, almost a decade had passed. Sometimes, I wish I can say I'm over you, that I do not love you anymore. But I know that it would be a lie. Not a day passed by that I don't think of you. Not a single wish escaped my lips without wishing that we be together again. Not a single moment passed by that I know would have been better if you were here with me. And every single beat that my heart made screamed of the fact that I still do love you.

In spite of the pain, I moved on, heavy at heart, defeated that you didn't have enough faith in me. I wished I could have died, but fate wouldn't listen. Life let me live to die... a slow death of living without you. Knowing I found love and lost it, knowing I will never find it again even if I tried. Forever damned for loving you... forever lost without you.