a letter...

Hello Sweetheart,

I know you're doing fine. Better than I am, but I don't hold that against you. In fact I'm glad. I would have been more devastated if you were not okay.

Sometimes it scares me how time seem to go so fast. But most of all, it scares me that even though a long time had passed, it would seem that I am still living in yesterday. Yes, it still feels like I am living in yesterday. In a time where you looked at me with love in your eyes. A time where I felt happy, content, and secure in the knowledge that no matter what happens, everything will turn out right because you are with me. But that time is long gone. More than a decade if I care to count the years. You were in my life for such a short period of time that it really amazes me why you’re still in my thoughts and in my heart. I know I should have gotten over you by now, forgotten you a little even. But no, you are still very much alive in me. You are still a part of me even though we have been apart for longer than I can remember. Remember when I told you that you have my heart? That is true. I have given you my heart because I know I love you with all of me. Now that we are apart, I have most of myself except my heart.

I haven’t gotten far in trying to get over you. I don’t think I ever will. But still I will try. I owe it to myself, but most of all, I have to find a way to fulfill a promise that I made, to be happy. In retrospect I know I shouldn’t have made that promise. It is not even logically possible. But I have never broken a promise before, and I don’t intend to do so now.

I am not sure how I can do this. I have tried anger… at the thought that you did not even listen to me, much less try to understand or make me understand what went wrong. I even went through that denial stage… begging to be heard, asking for forgiveness (even though I don’t understand what I needed to ask forgiveness for), acceptance that it is really over, even berating myself that you never really loved me at all, that all we had was not real, that you were just playing with my feelings, that what I felt, what I saw, what I knew to be true, was all on me, never you.

I went through all the emotions, but in the end, there is still you, in my heart. Now I am just tired, but I will try again. Not to forget, not to stop loving you, but only to be happy without you.

you...

lost again...

I woke up this morning feeling lost. I tried to remember what I dreamed about to give me this feeling, but I failed. The whole day I tried to shake off the feeling, but again I failed. Suddenly it dawned on me... I feel lost not because I dreamed of you, but because I am without you. The cold reality of life without you struck me down yet again. I wish I can just will you away. I wish I can wake up one day and not feel lost. I wish I can find myself believing that there is life and love without you. I wish I can stop myself from wishing because I'm finally over you...

I move on... hoping for a miracle. If not a life with you, then a blessed release from loving you will do.

Goodbye 2006

Cold weather, pristine snow, spectacular sunsets, a hot cup of coffee in front of a lighted fireplace... and my memories of you. A potent mixture sure to lead to a breakdown, wouldn't you say? But surprisingly, I was okay. Goodbye 2006, the hardest year that I had to go through to date.

No denying I shed some tears, that I felt an old ache in my heart, wished things could have been different... I guess these would never leave me when I think of you, but I am better. Took a really long time and a promise to someone very dear, a harder task than just getting over you... to be happy again.

It's been three months since I made that promise. I admit, I am far from being happy, but I know I will get there eventually. Like I said last year, maybe next year...

How do I...

The past few weeks have been hectic. Hardly a day went by when I'd have time for myself. Too many things needed to get done. Too many people to deal with. Too many memories to keep at bay.

Things to do get done. Poeple can be dealt with. Memories... well, this is something I have to live with.

Yes, my love. I do miss you. I may not write as often about you, or about my feelings for you, but yes, you're still very much in my mind and in my heart. I may be busy getting things done, but your smile is what keeps me going. How can I find happiness without you? How can I hope for a better me without you to guide me? How do I make myself believe in tomorrow when I still live for yesterday?

Christmas is just around the corner. Winter has set in... people are in a rush and full of holiday cheer... and yet here I am... and there you are... worlds apart.

never too late...

Life has a way of dealing you the unexpected. As it was, this post is a month too late, but that doesn't mean I have forgotten. No, in fact I have vivid memories of that day. I was still awake as night turned into day. In spite of everything that happened the last couple of days, during quiet times, my mind turned to him. It was the 10th year of the day I fell in love. The 10th year when we had our first real dinner together, the night I realized what love was all about.

I wanted to see you, maybe finally clear things up, but I had responsibilities to attend to, the timing wasn't right. Maybe I will never find out, maybe that's the way things are supposed to remain. Ten years, sweetheart. I wanted to say I'm over you, but I'd be lying.

I made a promise to someone very special, a promise that I know will be very hard to keep. But I intend to fulfill that promise no matter what it takes. I love you, sweetheart and I know I will continue to do so. I also know that time will come and I will see you again, if only to lay to rest what I feel for you.

Happy anniversary, sweetheart.

persistent pest 2

Funny how people react when faced with the truth. It was so much fun letting you leave a message on my blog and seeing how you react to whatever is posted here. You need some anger management courses. You're the one who needs to see a psychiatrist/psychotherapist to resolve your issues. Grow up! I may have lost a love but I was never as miserable and pathetic as you. Oh, and goodluck to.... did you say your girlfriend? or was that your fantasy?

persistent pest

Of some interest is somebody's persistence to know what has been going on in my life. Why? I don't know, nor do I care. But sometimes it makes me wonder why people who are not part of my life insist on "butting in" so to speak, just to be noticed.

I happen to like writing, whether it is nonsense or something important depends on my mood. Most of the time, I consider my writing of no consequence to anyone except me. I write of my dreams, feelings, my past life and yes, my one true love. I have never kept a diary in my entire life so most of what I write comes from memory. If memory fails, then I opt not to write because it will not be accurate. I guess this is my way of keeping track of my life as it is now.

A lot have changed. My friend always said that I'm romantically hopeless, because up to now I still profess my love for him. It never mattered that we are not together, that he turned his back on me... that I had to go far away to try and forget. None of those mattered because I know what I feel now and I know what I will be feeling even if another decade passes by. My love for him is the only certainty that I have in my life. Everything else is bound to change, but not my love. After ten long years... nothing about that has changed.

As for people who continue to be jealous (?) envious (?) or simply ignorant as to what it really means to love, this is my life, my love. You have your life... live in it instead of trying to live it in mine. My life was shared once with him... that is the way it will always stay.

why?

I saw you from afar. You said I shouldn't go because people are starting to suspect that there is something going on between us. But fate stepped in and my day was left free to find you. I got on the bus and traveled far to cheer you on... but only from afar, for I do not want you to be mad at me.

The competition has already started, I saw you trying your best to perform what was asked of you. But I also saw your pain, for your body hinders you from being your best. And the worst kind of pain... the pain of defeat when the other team bested your team. It wasn't that your team didn't win, but knowing how competitive you are, not being first means losing. I saw you slumped to the ground, your mind probably going over every angle of the competition, thinking where you went wrong, what was missing. You looked so tired, forlorn, I wanted to come out of hiding to come to you, comfort you, to tell you that we'll try again and do better next time. But I heard your voice telling me that we should not be seen too much together, not yet. So I restrained myself, saying I will do that later, when we are alone, when I can hold you in my arms and try to take the pain of losing away with my love for you.

But things didn't work out as I hoped. You turned away from me after that. You got mad that I went against your wish for me not to come and watch you compete, that after that I accepted a ride from the opposing team, that I befriended them as we shared that ride. You accused me of lying to you. I told you everything that happened, almost word for word when you asked me to recount to you what had been said. You refused to listen to me and instead listened to lies perpetuated by a person who wanted you for herself. I tried so hard to make you see reason, but all you could think about was the fact that I hid myself from you...when all I wanted to do was take you in my arms and kiss your frustrations and pain away.

All that love, all the happiness that I knew back then when we were together, swept away by your anger. I thought our love would have been strong enough to get us through that, but I was wrong. Oh, how wrong I was. I tried to give you some space, enough so you'll calm down and maybe give me a chance to explain myself. But all it ever did was to take you further away from me.

And now, almost a decade had passed. Sometimes, I wish I can say I'm over you, that I do not love you anymore. But I know that it would be a lie. Not a day passed by that I don't think of you. Not a single wish escaped my lips without wishing that we be together again. Not a single moment passed by that I know would have been better if you were here with me. And every single beat that my heart made screamed of the fact that I still do love you.

In spite of the pain, I moved on, heavy at heart, defeated that you didn't have enough faith in me. I wished I could have died, but fate wouldn't listen. Life let me live to die... a slow death of living without you. Knowing I found love and lost it, knowing I will never find it again even if I tried. Forever damned for loving you... forever lost without you.

trapped...

I cannot say how the day will go. I'm not even sure if it started out already, and if it did, how it actually started. All I know is I'm trapped in this dream... with him.

The dream itself is nothing of note. Just a regular day... together. You might be wondering how a day can be called regular when it is supposed to be spent with him? Yes, I know. It cannot be a regular day, for one, I am not with him. Have not been for almost ten years. I may have seen him, what? three-five times in all those ten years? Most of those times he would be unaware that I was even there, the rest? I don't know... maybe. You see, he is like me in a way, he knows when I am around.

Ah, yes. The dream... It started out with me getting ready for a day out. I was singing... a happy song. I was even putting on a red blouse, one of his favorites. As I was dreaming this, there was a voice in my head saying, "you are dreaming, this is not real". But the dream went on. I heard a car horn sounding from outside. I took a peak from the window and saw his car parked right in front. I hurriedly grabbed my bag, took one last look in the mirror and rushed outside to meet him. I can see my face in that dream. In fact, I can feel what I was feeling in that dream. My face was so radiant, I was so happy... My mind kept telling me... it is just a dream, none of it is real... but my heart refused to believe. I doesn't look like a dream, it certainly doesn't feel like a dream. I am there with him... and I am happy.

We drove to one of our favorite places. To see the sights so to speak. It was a glorious day. The sun was out, only a few clouds in the sky, and there's always a light breeze keeping us company. We walked hand in hand. It felt so right... me holding his hand. It gave me a feeling of contentment, of peace. Wake up, my mind said, but I refused. I am holding his hand and I am content. A slight breeze came our way and I caught a scent in the air... his scent. I breathed in deeply, savoring that sweet smell of his. I must have caught my breath... my mind is frantic now... wake up! But still I refused. I let that smell envelop me in my sleep.

We talked of everything and nothing. I hear him laugh at my silly jokes. My mind pleaded... please wake up. But I am not asleep... I am there... I am with him... he is holding my hand... and I can hear him laughing. And then he turned and gave me that smile of his which always set my heart fluttering. And I smiled back. I felt so blessed, lucky that I have found my one true love and that he is right here with me. Smiling at me, holding my hand, and saying he loved me too...

My mind is now screaming... wake up! don't do this to yourself !

And finally, though my entire being fought so hard to do otherwise, I woke up. Gasping, I tried to calm myself down. My pillow was wet, I must have crying for some time now. As I try to get above that dream state, I caught his scent again, felt his hand in mine... so real it felt that I actually looked to see if he was here with me, in my room. That was when I accepted that it was all a dream.

It's getting late, I have to get ready for work. As I went out of the apartment, I hear the sound of a car honking it's horn. Just like in the dream, I looked. But of course he is not there. I got in the car and as I was driving, his scent assaulted my senses again. I looked over to the passenger side expecting him to be there... he wasn't. I took my hand off the wheels, to turn on the radio and I felt his hand reaching out for mine... I looked up and I see him smiling at me...

And I cried... I am awake but I am still trapped in this dream... with him. And unlike in the dream, I can feel both emotions. Happiness that he is here with me... and pain in knowing that it is not real.

10 years ago...till now

For you sweetheart... so you might get a glimpse of how it felt almost 10 years ago. Maybe you'll understand why things stayed the same up to now.

To Watch You Leaving
by Jocelyn Galvano-Pickett

To Watch You Leaving . . .

is to know such pain, it's jagged edges tearing into my soul. As a stake from the garden tears into the warm, dark earth.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

knowing all the while that never again will I fit myself, warm with sleep, against your solid back.Nor hear your steady breathing. Or feel the beating of your heart.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

aware in every moment of every day that my dreams, my future; once tied with silken ribbons to yours, will never come to be.

And the mornings once so silent and hopeful, us gazing at the mountains and so gently awaiting forever - are now but small pieces of my past.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

your heart a tight fist of anger and your dry eyes betraying nothing of you. I cry for both of us, my love, because you will not.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

is to know that I've lost my place on this earth. My station. My heart's home. That I will wander, forever a nomad. Alone and afraid. And in my troubled dreams watch you leave, again and again.

For the balance of my days.

silent wish...

"So starben wir, um ungetrennt
Ewig, einig ohne end."

["Thus we might die undivided
One forever without end." - Tristan and Isolde

coffee on a hot day

The heat is overwhelming. Summer is definitely making its presence felt, with sweating bodies, oven-like cars even with airconditioning, packed beaches, picnics at the park, everything. Sometimes it makes me feel like the heat is causing me to hallucinate. But then again...

Like a breath of fresh air, he came, with his breathtaking smile and yes that tantalizing smell. For a brief second I thought the heat got to me, but as he walked closer to where I sat I knew he was real enough. I sat there speechless, for what do you say to a vision that came out of your subconscious. A vision bearing gifts. Coffee...

It would seem of no consequence for most people, in fact, most would not say coffee on a hot day can be considered a gift. But to me it was and coming from him gave it more meaning. I have so many questions in my mind, but it was left unasked as I sat there staring at him. He stared back, not saying anything. And from that moment of silence came understanding. The hows or whys are not important. What matters is now.

He did not say much in the short time he was here. Just sat there quietly with me... holding my hand. The coffee left untouched for the time being as there were more important things to take in like the overwhelming feeling of contentment, of peace and yes, of happiness. For a short time, there I was, sitting with him holding my hand and I was happy. Happy... like that time so long ago, in a different place, a different me... a different him.

After he left, it felt like the whole world came crashing down on me again, heavy, dark, lonely. But he left with me a memory, something to remember and hold on to. It's funny how the old memories seem to blend with the new. I do not want to see your face on his. I do not want to see the same kind of caring I saw in you. I do not want to believe in him liked I believed in you. Because I know... it is not you. But everytime I see him, I see you... your smile, your laugh, even that scent of yours and yes, that uncanny habit of knowing.

Ironic how fate sent me someone to make me forget and at the same time remember... and so I remembered.

a month after

It's been exactly a month after and I made it... still a little crazy, but still in one piece (barely). Had a little accident for doing crazy stuff, ended up sick for a couple of days because of it. Mended physically, still smarting emotionally. In all, it wasn't such a bad thing. I've got a couple of months before it starts hitting me again... I hope.

I know you're okay sweetheart. That is good enough for me. Think of me sometimes? You know how I feel.

a smile from the distant past

Had a dream of the distant past. There was nothing outstanding about it, except I remembered it after I woke up. For what it's worth, it's keeping me amused for the day. I don't know what the dream meant nor do I know why I dreamt it, but thank you for making me smile...

Driving around with no particular place to go, I stopped at a small inn for the day. I wanted to explore the little town I saw, maybe do some shopping, but mostly just to satisfy my curiosity. I checked in and decided to eat before going around. There was this cozy looking restaurant around the corner so I headed on out to see what they've got.

The restaurant was small, only a couple of tables, but it was very nice. A waitress showed me to a corner table and left the menu as she got my drink. I looked around appreciating the way they've made the place look homey. There was only one other person there trying to get a late lunch. I caught his profile at the corner of my eye and simply looked back again as there was something very familiar with him. I squinted fighting the glare of the sun to see who it was that caught my eye. At first I couldn't figure out why he looked so familiar, and then he turned to signal the waitress and our eyes met.

It was like being thrown back in time. "I know you..." he mouthed the words, as he slowly got up to go to my table. Typical him as I remembered said, "Oh my God! It is you! I can't believe I'm actually seeing you after all these years." And I said, "I can't believe I'm seeing you either, here of all places. "What are you doing here?" I asked. To which he replied, "nothing, just driving around and decided to stop by and explore."

At this point I told myself how totally weird it was that we were just both driving around and stopped here to look around. Talk about coincidences. But then again, I remembered he doesn't believe in coincidences, to him it's destiny. And he proceeded to remind me just that. That after so many years and miles away from home, we stopped in a place with the same goal in mind decided to have a late lunch and picked the very same restaurant at almost the same time giving us the chance to see each other. And just to drive his point home, he reminded me of our song back then...(which of course he had to sing) "somewhere down the road, our roads are gonna meet again, it doesn't really matter when..." I had to hand it to him, he hasn't changed (at least in that aspect).

And so it went, and off we went spending the rest of the day in each other's company. Together down the road, reminiscing of the past, talking about today and looking towards the future.

Ah dreams.... notice how it ends without finishing the story? How one wakes up from a dream wishing one can dream some more? Like I said, it made me smile...

new look

My friend wanted a new look for her blog so we spent the weekend doing it. Or rather, I did most of it, she picked what she liked. Anyway, since we're at it, figured I'd change mine too... thanks for lending me the picture.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

I do not see you, nor do I feel you near me. But I know in my heart what you look like and how it felt when you were holding me in your arms.

Happy Birthday. I dream of a time when I can tell you personally.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

I found this... I no longer have the heart nor the strength to write my own as I feel my life slipping away everytime I do. This does not mean I have forgotten, nor is the feeling gone, but that, feeling it as strongly as I do and not have it returned is a slow death that never ends...


When We Two Parted
by George Gordon, Lord Byron

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.
The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow--
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.
They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me--
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well--
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.
In secret we met--
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?--
With silence and tears.

familiar stranger...

A scent in the air made me stop. My eyes scanned the faces of strangers passing by and suddenly my heartbeat fails... I closed my eyes... could it be? And logic reasserted itself and told my heart, "be still, you fool! It is not him, it cannot be." I took a deep breath and opened my eyes and just promptly stopped on my tracks (again).

I must have swayed because the next thing I knew, he was holding my hand and asking if I was alright. Another deep breath on my part, trying to buy time to compose myself... Finally I found my voice and said I'm fine, thank you, slowly bringing up my eyes to meet his. I could not stop myself from staring. Had he not been a lot taller than I am and with light brown eyes instead of the usual dark ones, I think I would have fainted. For there he was, almost an exact replica of my one true love. The smiling eyes, that sweet smile... and that unique babyish scent that tickles my senses everytime he came near. I must have turned white as a ghost. He led me to a bench and sat me down. Again I thanked him... He gave me some water from his backpack and sat down next to me, introduced himself and asked again if I was okay.

I said yes I'm okay all the while thinking how could I be, when you are there sitting next to me, reminding me of someone I've always kept at the back of my head. He smiled and introduced himself (again). I really must have been staring because he asked if he reminded me of someone. My wits must have left me because I actually said yes, of someone from a distant past. Then it was his turn to look at me... he said very gently "try not to let this accidental meeting be overshadowed by sadness from the past, remember that each life that crosses our path has a purpose and must be welcomed with gladness."

Shock is too mild a word to describe how I felt when he said that. More so when he said he'll buy me lunch to make up for the shock he gave me.

Lunch was good, in fact, if it were not for the fact that I kept staring at him, lunch would have been great. We talked like we were old friends. For a while it felt like I was thrown back in time. I smiled. He smiled and thanked me. When I asked what for, he said for really smiling.

All too soon I had to leave. He said, "you never told me your name, but that's okay. You have mine." He gave me his number and I gave him mine... along with my name. And we both smiled. As I walked away I took one last deep breath, held it and savored that scent that brought him to me. Will he call? Maybe. Will I? Most likely not. But I am glad to have met him.

longing to tell...

How great it would be if I can actually write a story to tell my kids about my life. It might not be as exciting as a bestseller, but it would be something to help them understand why things have to be and how they came to be.

At times I can almost hear them ask questions, but never really voiced them out. And I can feel them at times struggle to accept what has become. Beyond un-asked questions and boundless understanding, I've always tried to be honest. In time I would tell them about you, but not yet.