longing to tell...

How great it would be if I can actually write a story to tell my kids about my life. It might not be as exciting as a bestseller, but it would be something to help them understand why things have to be and how they came to be.

At times I can almost hear them ask questions, but never really voiced them out. And I can feel them at times struggle to accept what has become. Beyond un-asked questions and boundless understanding, I've always tried to be honest. In time I would tell them about you, but not yet.

listen and you will hear

If there's one thing I can't stop it's time. Time moves on it's own with no regard for people. It never goes back always forward. It takes away the past and turns it into memories. No matter how I try, I never seem to catch up, time's always a step ahead, always moving too fast. And as time moves forward, I age, move slower, think more, act less. As a result, I am now way behind with no hope of ever catching up.

I always like to think that as time passes, life gets better. Maybe. At least for the most part. There is one thing that time forgot to take with it, my memory of you. Too many years have passed and yet what happened always seemed like yesterday. And as I slow down, yesterday, your memory is catching up on me.

Throughout the years I've tried to keep your memories at bay. Never really thinking, never really remembering. But even though I try so hard to do that, time has a way of creeping up on me and bringing the past into the present, ensuring that it is there for the future.

Since the beginning, I have never denied that I love you. I have gone through hell and back because of loving you. I almost lost everything because I was willing to give up everything just to be with you. But you walked away. You turned your back on me, unwilling to say why, not even to say you never loved me. And through all the years, I've tried to ask myself what was it that I did to send you away. I blamed everything and everybody else, but most of all I blamed me. Maybe I loved you too much, maybe I didn't show it enough, may be you thought I wasn't serious enough and maybe I wasn't worthy of your love.

I've created so much doubt on myself that I stayed away, hurt other people, but most of all I've hurt myself. I tried moving on, build my self confidence, even fooled myself into believing that I can and will love again. But again, time showed me that it was all in vain. I did manage to move on but my heart stayed. My heart stayed back in time, the time when you and I were together. The happiest time when I heard you say you loved me, the time when we dreamed of our future together. As my heart never left your side, my mind tried to move forward. To take me far away and try not to hurt too much. But the mind sometimes get tired and let it's guard down. That's when the past catches up and makes the future seem bleak.

Moving on... almost ten years and nothing to show for it, except the fact that I still love you. Time passes and I wonder if I'll ever see you again. Just to see your smile, hear you laugh, be in your presence. Will I ever hear you say you love me? Maybe not, but you will hear me. I love you, sweetheart.

facing life...

Trials have always been part of human life. I don't think I've ever met a person who hasn't faced a challenge in one form or another. But why do we have these trials? Is it a necessary part of life? Most people would say yes as it would make one a better person. Would it?

People trying to be positive in the face of adversity might say there are people out there with worse problems than themselves. Is that the truth? Or is it a relative kind of thing? People react to problems differently and people are uniquely equipped to handle the same kind of situation in a different way. Perception is unique for each individual.

Depending on the situation or should I say the person, a trial in life might bring families together or tear them apart. Some might try and isolate themselves, others might thrive with the company of friends, still others might become bitter, some even violent where others might be accepting.

Is it the situation that makes a person or is it the person who makes the situation better or worse? Or is it all a matter of faith?

a matter of faith...

Just finished reading "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" by Mitch Albom. It's a story about an 83-year old man who died on his birthday trying to save a little girl. The story did not start at the beginning but rather at the last hour of his life. The story started with his end, but like the author said, an end can be a beginning.

Each of the five people might be your loved ones or distant strangers but each would have touched your life and changed your path forever. Each would hold the key to understanding why you chose to travel down a certain road and turn your back on another. At the end of it all, you will understand who you are, why you existed, how you touched other lives, what you did to make a difference.

The story was simply told. Though the story is based on a belief in God and a life after death, it carried none of usual evangelizing that you might find in other faith-based books, very different from your "light at the end of the tunnel" type of thing. I find myself liking this story better. Just like the living, the dead might also have questions that they want answered and this story provided us with that possibility.

As to who those five people would be for me, I have no clue. As for going to heaven or hell for that matter, I still have to convince myself that they exist. It's hard enough to believe that there is a reason for one's existence here on earth, much less what goes beyond it. Who knows, if I never find the answers I am searching for while I still live, I might find them when I am gone from this world. Or then again, I might just find out that there is no place beyond this earth, or I might really not know at all because death is the end.

two months in darkness

Time continually surprise me with how quickly it always seem to pass. We are now nearing the end of February and to think I can still taste the food we had last Christmas. Two months into the year and what have I got to show for it?

Memory is such a fickle thing. Though I remember last Christmas, I have no clear recollection of what went on the last two months. When I mentioned this to a friend of mine, she said that it is because my mind is so strong that it blocks out any thought that might affect me negatively. What she said made me think. There is only one thing that can affect me negatively. Does that mean most of my thoughts have been circling around on one thing?

Two months into the year...

Valentine's Day

A day specially for the heart... for people in love, for people with love in their hearts. This should have been a joyous occasion, but not for me. I may be in love and have love in my heart, but I am alone. Telling myself to forget and move on, but knowing in my heart that I will love him forever. Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetheart!

when the rain falls...

I know my friends meant well with this. The English version will not do the song justice, but the words are very apt.

ULAN RAIN
- by Cuesche
Lagi na lang umuulan The rain just kept falling
Parang walang katapusan Raining like there is no end
Tulad ng paghihirap ko ngayon Just like the pain I have in my heart
Parang walang humpay Feels like there'll be no end
Sa kabila ng lahat ng aking pagsisikap No matter how hard I tried
Na limutin ka ay di pa rin magawa I still can't seem to forget you
Hindi naman ako tanga I am not a fool
Alam ko na wala ka na I know that you are gone
Pero mahirap lang na tanggapin But it is just so hard to accept
Di na kita kapiling That you're no longer by my side
Iniwan mo ako nag-iisa You left me all alone
Sa gitna ng dilim at basing-basa pa sa ulan In the dark and in the rain
Pero huwag mag-alala But you don't have to worry
Di na kita gagambalain I will not bother you
Alam ko naman ngayon Because I know that
May kapiling ka nang-iba You are with someone else
Tanging hiling ko sa'yo All that I ask of you
Na tuwing umu-ulan Every time the rain falls
Maalala mo sanang may May you remember that
Nagmamahal sa'yo. There is someone loving you
Ako... Me...
Lalalalalalalalala Lalalalalalalalala


When we parted ways, it was a rainy day. But the rain stopped when I cried. I guess the rain felt that it can never compete with the tears I'm shedding. The day was overcast and the night was chilly, but it cannot compare with the darkness that clouded my heart and the coldness that enveloped me. I tried over the years to forget, but I got tired of trying. I know I was a fool to think I'd be able to forget you. I stayed away, though it pains me to do so. I remember that time we were sitting in the car, it was raining hard but we didn't care. You held my hand and told me you loved me, your eyes said more to my heart than your words ever could. I love driving when it rains, because I can feel that moment coming back to embrace me, reminding me that it wasn't just a dream. That for one moment your heart and mine were one. Whatever did we do wrong?

a song, a life, a story

A friend sent me this. She thought it might interest me...

I remember so well
The day that you came into my life
You asked for my name
You had the most beautiful smile

My life started to change
I'd wake up each day feeling alright
With you right by my side
Makes me feel things will work out just fine

CHORUS

How did you know
I needed someone like you in my life
That there's an empty space in my heart
You came at the right time in my life

I'll never forget
How you brought the sun to shine in my life
And took all the worries and fears that I had
I guess what I'm really trying to say
It's not everyday that someone like you comes my way
No words can express how much I love you

I guess she's right. I clearly remember the first time I saw him and funny that he did ask me my name. Later everybody who knew me would know that what I remember and like most about him is his smile. My life did change. I guess he came at the right time. But then... I will never forget... how much I...

I found what most people can only dream of, my one true love. Words will never be able to express that wonderful feeling. Writers and poets have tried to say it in so many words, but for all that have been written, it barely touched the surface of what love truly mean.

My one true love, remembering gives me bittersweet memories. I know I didn't have you for very long, but my love for you stayed with me. The few times that we've had together reminds me of unsurpassed happiness that made life without you almost bearable. For a long time I hoped that one day we'll find ourselves together again. But as years pass by, I had to let go of that hope, if only to try and find myself and be able to live once more. To a certain extent, I have moved on, more out of neccessity than anything else. I still remember, at times I still cry, sometimes I wish, but mostly I stop myself from wishing and hoping.

remembering valentine's day

Once again we come to that time of year when people all over the world celebrate love. This event is most special to people who have found love and are with the people they love. But what happens when you find yourself alone on this special day? More importantly, what happens when on this particular day, you find out that you have been betrayed by the person who mattered at that time?

The 14th of February, Valentine's Day as we call it, a day for lovers and people in love. It's been so long since I've celebrated this day. In fact, it's been so long ago that I cannot even remember how it was celebrated. All I remember now on this day is that I found out the truth of cataclysmic proportions that eventually changed the rest of my life.

After that day so many years ago, I thought that was the end of any romanticism in me. I thought that would be the end of me believing in love. How wrong I was. I found out later on that I never even knew what it was to love, be in love and be loved in return. What happened was more a betrayal of trust. It was not necessarily a better thing to happen but then, it was nothing compared to what was to come.

Certain things require proof and then some only require faith or to a lesser degree, gut feel. But then, what exactly are we supposed to do when gut feel surfaces, your mind refuse to believe what you feel and then you are suddenly confronted with undeniable proof? It took a while for me to digest everything that's been happening. It took some time for me to decide what to do, but once decided it's final. People frowned, tongues wagged, but I moved on. Now all that is a distant past and even the memory is fading. Ironic how hard it is for me to remember when I have something that serves as a constant reminder of that past. But then again, memory can be a fickle thing and the mind will always forget what is unimportant.

a question to ponder...

A friend once asked me, do you regret ever falling in love? I know the answer to it, but being asked point blank made me pause to consider my answer. It also made me wonder where the question came from (but I will come back to that).

Have I ever regretted falling in love?

I fell in love when I shouldn't, when I least expected it, and with the most unexpected person. It was a shock to say the least, to suddenly find out, undeniably and irrevocably that I was in love with someone. Suddenly, my life was not mine anymore. Love chose me and not the other way around. This is that aspect of love that nobody can control. The "shouldn't" part, though considerably hard had an easier solution... you just let it be without doing anything about it.

Destiny? Fate? That we should meet, fall in love and part ways. Sometimes, in the passing of years, I wanted to doubt the reality of that love. Was it only me? Was it the same for him? But when I reach down to recapture those moments, I know in my heart that it was real, that it is still real for me. Some would say that maybe it's what I wanted to see. Maybe. It was a time in my life when I found myself really happy. In a moment of absolute certainty, I felt that no matter what, I will remember this love for as long as I live. And I have. It is a part of who I am right now. At times when pain overwhelms me, I would think how life could have been different. But then I still would choose love, the pain and the memories.

I never regretted falling in love. Once in a while I give myself a mental kicking for losing that love thinking maybe I did not fight for it hard enough. Then I look towards the future, sometimes wishing... but always accepting what I've come to know as inevitable.

goodbye 2005

Winter. Though I love this season, I think it's also the season that emphasize the fact that at times I feel so alone. New Year came and went, the whole of 2005 is now a memory. With a few slip-ups, I think it's been a good year.

Cold weather, a cup of coffee and my memories... Cheers to 2006!

the time is near...

How do you prepare yourself to leave the past behind? Nay, not just the past, but your entire life. Can a person really start life anew, with a clean slate, free from the past? Maybe...

In a few more months I will be starting a new life. Hoping that there will be no need to look back, nor a need to go back. For now I try to live the present hoping that today too will be left behind for good...

Things...

There are times when I question certain things that happened in my life. Is it my fault? Did I cause something to happen? Did it happen because of who I am, of what I am? But then I would also ask myself, what did happen that's beyond your control to make you into what you are?

As I go through life, I've learned that things happen. Whether you want it to or not, whether you caused it or not, things just happen. It's a combination of everyone willing whatever they want to happen. It appears random, but then again it's not.

Some study would say that we are what we are because of our genes, some would argue that we are shaped by our environment. I'd like to think that it's a combination of both. I know part of me I got from my Dad and still part came from my Mom and from my own experiences growing up.

Growing up. Have I done that? I know I grew old but I'm not sure if I've actually grown up. I'm not even sure I know what that meant.

freedom and consciousness

1. Freedom is a state of mind.
2. It lies beyond the field of consciousness.

I read this somewhere, and it has gotten me quite confused. If freedom is a state of mind, then how can it lie beyond the field of consciousness? Is it the kind of freedom the resides in our subconcious? Does this mean freedom can only occur when we are not concious of it? That the moment we become conscious is the moment we lose our freedom? How do we know we are free if we are not aware of it. Is it a sense of freedom?

I guess in part this is true for how can we be free in our consciousness when this comes with preconcieved notions of what is and what isn't. Our consciousness is riddled with experiences, of conclusions, knowledge and memories. Does it mean we have to shed everything to be free? Without our consciousness, what are we left with? Will we still exist? If we are not concious of our own existence, will freedom matter?

the only thing constant...

It has been said that the only thing constant is change. Everything changes over time. I guess to a point I can believe that this is so, but then again, sometimes, I get reminded that some things never really change. Sure we get old, our fiery self might somewhat be tamed over time, even our beliefs shift to make living comfortable as we journey down the road. The season changes to mark the passage of time. And even though we might go through the same seasons every year, things will be different.

I ask myself, have I changed? To a point, maybe... but not entirely. There is one more thing that is constant... it has remained the same throughout the years. I feel it will remain the same for years to come.

The only thing constant is change... do I dare wish for a change?

run...catch up...face it!

My friend said, no matter how fast or how far you run, everything will catch up to you eventually. To which I replied, I think I have stopped running by now. I think I'm in that "waiting for things to catch up" stage. As to whether I'm prepared when things finally catches up with me... well, that's another matter.

I have found out that no matter how much you try and prepare yourself, things never work out the way you think they will. It doesn't matter how many scenarios you've tried to play in your mind, no matter how many outcomes you can come up with, in the end, things will run the way it is, but never how you think they will. So why waste time preparing?

Like I've said, I'm tired... as a result, I've slowed down a lot. Whatever's trying to catch up will soon be here facing me. It's bound to happen sometime. Maybe sooner, maybe later, but it will come. Maybe it won't be as bad as the first time...

two weeks after...

Hey! It's two weeks after D-Day. I'm alive! Am I okay? I think so... or should I say I hope so? Ah, whatever, all will be better after. It's always been that way... till next year. Or who knows maybe next year it won't be as bad.

Through all the years
I've shed these tears
Hoping for release
From love's first kiss...

Maybe next year...

the day after...

I woke up late, very late. It's a good thing work doesn't start till later in the day or else I'd have been in trouble. No hangover (but of course, I did not drink!), no bloated feeling after the enormous amount of food I consumed the night before. Nothing to indicate that I have yet again marked another year to my never ending journey.

In fact, I feel almost normal. Almost.

the day before...

9:29 pm, October 13, 2005. Up to now I have tried to keep my mind blank. I tried to amuse myself with everything I can think of. I went shopping, I surfed the Internet, I read books, I tried to do some mini-research, watched TV, played violin, made life hell for some drivers who shouldn't be driving, ate more food to last me a lifetime. After all the activities, I stopped for a second to stare at the computer screen. That's when I admitted to myself that my diversions didn't work. Did I expect it to? Honestly, not really, but I hoped. I hoped that maybe this year things will be different. A tiny bit maybe, but not much. So here I am a few hours away from that fatal moment. Putting up a brave face, showing the world everythings good, silently crying inside, grieving... trying to recover, but never quite managing such.

How much longer? Too long by now, but still counting... maybe next year...

A moment like this....

A Moment like this.
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.
Some people search forever for that one special kiss.
I cant believe its happening to me.
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.
-Kelly Clarkson

Simple lines from a song, but powerful enough to bring me to tears. This song has been around for some time, but for some reason when I was listening to it yesterday as I was driving, it brought me on the verge of a breakdown. I had to park on the side of the road because I just could not keep driving(thank goodness I was off the freeway by that time).

What made me cry? I don't know exactly. Maybe it's the realization that I have found that moment in time and have lost it. That it will never come again even if I wait another lifetime. One special moment, one special kiss, a smile then it was gone. Years have passed, I know I have moved on, somewhat. But once in a while the memory can still overwhelm me, and when it does the all the years of moving on seem to vanish into thin air and I'm back again to where I've started.

Sometimes it makes me wonder what the point of moving on is all about. I don't think one can really recover from losing the one that you love. Sure, I can always say it's all in the past, I have a new life now, but honestly, do you ever really move on and leave the past behind? Or is it forever going to be like this? At the most unfortunate moment, something will trigger that memory and you'll remember that no matter what you do and no matter where life takes you, you'll never be complete because of that moment you've lost forever.

This I think is what tires me more than anything. Everything is going right then something triggers the memory and I'm thrown back in time. Oh, I recover fast now, not like before, but I think it's taking its toll on me. I just hope I can keep this up till everythings as it should be.