changes

Its been a while, I know. Yet, has anything changed, I asked. Surely the rest of the world moved on. You? I know not. Me? Somewhat. Certainly nothing ever really stays the same. Such is the curse of life... dare I say blessing? But when words fail me, what else can I say?

I love you...

And yes, that too has changed. For I love you more now that I did before. All that has passed did not serve to diminish how I felt. Sad? At times, yes... For you are so far away, out of reach, out of my league... definitely not mine to love. But I do.

I miss you...

More than you'll ever know, and never will you hear me say... I wish... that things would have been different. Maybe. For no matter how hurt I feel not sharing my life with you, I have found my peace in loving you. Though my heart still hope a little... maybe someday... I stand here in silence knowing I will love you always... as you love somebody else.

I love you, goodbye...

loss

As naturally as night follows day, as the tide rises and ebbs away, my love for you continues to grow stronger. No one is to blame, not you nor I, somehow it happened, maybe, nay, surely, more me than you, falling in too deep with no hope of rescue. I love you, more than you'll ever know, certainly more than I can ever show. I miss you, more with each passing day... but most of all, I despair, not only for losing a love but also it would seem, for losing a friend.

As your silence grows louder, my heart wants to shout in protest... but I kept silent and will continue to keep silent, until such time when my heart can finally beat again without excruciating pain. For my sanity I wanted to say goodbye, but know deep down I cannot. For how can I say goodbye to a love once lost and now found? For the short time we were together, it felt like I have lived an entire lifetime... And so once again, I follow your lead, in silence while I try to live life alone... forever bound to you, yet forever without you.

my love...

A year ago today, I found love. Only to lose it again the exact same moment it touched my life.

forever in silence...

And so it begins… silence, deafening in its totality. Again I am left with nothing but that old feeling of inadequacy, a feeling of being not good enough. Years ago, I’ve had that same feeling. Only, I was too young to feel the enormity of being left behind just when love began its hold on me. Now, I feel everything… the loneliness, the pain, the uncertainty, a measure of resigned sadness, and yes, still, a quiet acceptance, a sense of calm, of happiness that envelops my very soul.

Years of searching, of being incomplete, a restlessness coming from deep within, never satiated until you came back into my life. And now I know you are my true north, my other half, my anchor. Without you, life has been a constant search for direction, a lifetime of longing, an endless journey. Ah… what I would give to be with you, to have you, love you forever. You’ve chosen a different path, somewhere I cannot follow. As you walk yet again, away from me, I am left wondering if the roads we’re taking will cross again someday, if you will look kindly on me again, maybe even love me enough not to leave me.

As the silence engulfs my soul, an impenetrable shadow hides my heart from the world. Life will go on and I will feign interest in the world around me, but no one will ever see the pain in my heart as you walk away. My search is over, the restlessness gone though I am still incomplete as you are not by my side. As I grapple with all the conflicting emotions, one thing stands out. A moment of complete happiness, love and certainty… Thank you, for giving me that moment.

The silence continues... as I love you, forever...

what it feels like...

Depression hit me like a ton of bricks falling squarely on my head. I miss you. Not that I wasn't missing you before, but this time it overwhelms me. Is this what life's going to be like? Loving you, missing you with not a clear idea of when it will be over...

I wanted to hate myself, to hate you for making me feel this way. Instead, it only becomes clear (as if it wasn't before), that I love you with all of my heart. Not hearing your voice, knowing you are farther away, knowing you are where you should be, next to her, brought pain in my heart, killing me slowly with each passing second.

What am I to you? A question without an answer... Will I ever know? Should I just walk away? Would you want me to stay? Still more questions...

In the end... I love you.

Loving you...

Love came unexpectedly. I tried so hard to ignore it, deny it ever came, forget I ever felt it, wished it wasn't you. I tried and I failed. Yes, I did all those things, but all for nothing. Love is not something to be ignored, nor can it be denied once it made it's presence known. It is not something one can forget nor can one choose the one they love.

I love you. And for the first time in my life, I have stopped searching. There is no urge to escape, no longing for something undefined... just a calm acceptance of the truth, that I am in love with you. Loving you has brought me immense happiness. Even if we're miles apart, even though you are not mine to have. All that matters not. I can keep on missing you, but I cannot stop myself from loving you.

quietly waiting...

Things have been quiet... maybe too quiet. Could it be the calm before the storm?

Around this time last year, I was still busily minding my own business. A little miserable perhaps with the burden of an old love, but my life was still my own. Shortly after that, I would discover that what I was hanging on to was the memory of a love, a dream of what could have been, and a silent wish for forever. T'was a lasting memory, a great but broken dream, and lasted a very long time, until you came.

You showed me that love need not be a memory, but rather a part of life, a wonderful thing felt deep down in my soul. You gave me new dreams, so vivid, so real. Forever? I honestly do not know. What I know is that my love for you is not merely a part of my thought, it is not simply felt by my heart, but a vital part of my soul.

And so I stay quiet, calmly accepting, knowing no storm can alter what half my lifetime nourished, my love for you.

random thoughts

I miss you... in my mind your smile comes alive, your touch warms my senses, your kiss... ah!

I love you... rarely expressed, but nevertheless felt. The truth, though hiddden is still very much my reality.

Tears... only mine to shed, helpless but resigned, needing but never asking... still one can hope.

Someday... you and me as one.

aimless wandering...

You once asked me, what am I passionate about? What is the one thing that I really believe in, enough for me to sacrifice everything I have to be able to keep it. To be honest, I have never given it any thought... not until I lost it.

I am passionate about life. I believe in it so much that no amount of hurt or pain would make me want to curtail it. I've been hurt so bad, to the point of wishing myself dead... but still I live. Yet now, I feel that very same passion ebb away. Losing a life, so closely connected to one's own... yes, I can feel myself dying a little everyday.

Yet I live... with enough life left in me to love you... and yet, it will never be the same.

Sorry...

Sorry. Somehow, that doesn't seem to be enough. I've failed you in the worst possible way... there was nothing I could do, simply because I did not know.

Nothing was planned, it wasn't expected, I was caught totally off guard. And for that, I suffer. The truth hurts more than I can bear right now, it pains me more than any physical discomfort I had to endure. And right now, I hate myself... for not knowing, for failing you, and for not having the guts to tell you the truth.

Sorry... somehow saying it always fails to convey its meaning.

Ignorance...

How do you lose something you never knew you had? How do you deal with the loss when you never had the pleasure of knowing? How can you possible grasp the reason, when logic is not what it seemed?

I never knew... such a lame excuse. Seems to be happening to me a lot these days. I should have known... but who am I kidding? Aside from the fact that I found myself overwhelmingly in love with you, I know of nothing else since I got myself into this situation. Sad, isn't it?

There are no regrets, only profound sadness. In time, this too shall pass. One can only hope...