... a journey towards sunset

changes

2009-08-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

Its been a while, I know. Yet, has anything changed, I asked. Surely the rest of the world moved on. You? I know not. Me? Somewhat. Certainly nothing ever really stays the same. Such is the curse of life... dare I say blessing? But when words fail me, what else can I say?

I love you...

And yes, that too has changed. For I love you more now that I did before. All that has passed did not serve to diminish how I felt. Sad? At times, yes... For you are so far away, out of reach, out of my league... definitely not mine to love. But I do.

I miss you...

More than you'll ever know, and never will you hear me say... I wish... that things would have been different. Maybe. For no matter how hurt I feel not sharing my life with you, I have found my peace in loving you. Though my heart still hope a little... maybe someday... I stand here in silence knowing I will love you always... as you love somebody else.

I love you, goodbye...

2008-12-26T16:30:00.000-08:00

loss

2008-06-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

As naturally as night follows day, as the tide rises and ebbs away, my love for you continues to grow stronger. No one is to blame, not you nor I, somehow it happened, maybe, nay, surely, more me than you, falling in too deep with no hope of rescue. I love you, more than you'll ever know, certainly more than I can ever show. I miss you, more with each passing day... but most of all, I despair, not only for losing a love but also it would seem, for losing a friend.

As your silence grows louder, my heart wants to shout in protest... but I kept silent and will continue to keep silent, until such time when my heart can finally beat again without excruciating pain. For my sanity I wanted to say goodbye, but know deep down I cannot. For how can I say goodbye to a love once lost and now found? For the short time we were together, it felt like I have lived an entire lifetime... And so once again, I follow your lead, in silence while I try to live life alone... forever bound to you, yet forever without you.

my love...

2008-05-25T12:22:00.000-07:00

A year ago today, I found love. Only to lose it again the exact same moment it touched my life.

forever in silence...

2008-05-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

And so it begins… silence, deafening in its totality. Again I am left with nothing but that old feeling of inadequacy, a feeling of being not good enough. Years ago, I’ve had that same feeling. Only, I was too young to feel the enormity of being left behind just when love began its hold on me. Now, I feel everything… the loneliness, the pain, the uncertainty, a measure of resigned sadness, and yes, still, a quiet acceptance, a sense of calm, of happiness that envelops my very soul.

Years of searching, of being incomplete, a restlessness coming from deep within, never satiated until you came back into my life. And now I know you are my true north, my other half, my anchor. Without you, life has been a constant search for direction, a lifetime of longing, an endless journey. Ah… what I would give to be with you, to have you, love you forever. You’ve chosen a different path, somewhere I cannot follow. As you walk yet again, away from me, I am left wondering if the roads we’re taking will cross again someday, if you will look kindly on me again, maybe even love me enough not to leave me.

As the silence engulfs my soul, an impenetrable shadow hides my heart from the world. Life will go on and I will feign interest in the world around me, but no one will ever see the pain in my heart as you walk away. My search is over, the restlessness gone though I am still incomplete as you are not by my side. As I grapple with all the conflicting emotions, one thing stands out. A moment of complete happiness, love and certainty… Thank you, for giving me that moment.

The silence continues... as I love you, forever...

what it feels like...

2008-04-25T12:25:00.000-07:00

Depression hit me like a ton of bricks falling squarely on my head. I miss you. Not that I wasn't missing you before, but this time it overwhelms me. Is this what life's going to be like? Loving you, missing you with not a clear idea of when it will be over...

I wanted to hate myself, to hate you for making me feel this way. Instead, it only becomes clear (as if it wasn't before), that I love you with all of my heart. Not hearing your voice, knowing you are farther away, knowing you are where you should be, next to her, brought pain in my heart, killing me slowly with each passing second.

What am I to you? A question without an answer... Will I ever know? Should I just walk away? Would you want me to stay? Still more questions...

In the end... I love you.

Loving you...

2008-04-08T16:22:00.000-07:00

Love came unexpectedly. I tried so hard to ignore it, deny it ever came, forget I ever felt it, wished it wasn't you. I tried and I failed. Yes, I did all those things, but all for nothing. Love is not something to be ignored, nor can it be denied once it made it's presence known. It is not something one can forget nor can one choose the one they love.

I love you. And for the first time in my life, I have stopped searching. There is no urge to escape, no longing for something undefined... just a calm acceptance of the truth, that I am in love with you. Loving you has brought me immense happiness. Even if we're miles apart, even though you are not mine to have. All that matters not. I can keep on missing you, but I cannot stop myself from loving you.

quietly waiting...

2008-03-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

Things have been quiet... maybe too quiet. Could it be the calm before the storm?

Around this time last year, I was still busily minding my own business. A little miserable perhaps with the burden of an old love, but my life was still my own. Shortly after that, I would discover that what I was hanging on to was the memory of a love, a dream of what could have been, and a silent wish for forever. T'was a lasting memory, a great but broken dream, and lasted a very long time, until you came.

You showed me that love need not be a memory, but rather a part of life, a wonderful thing felt deep down in my soul. You gave me new dreams, so vivid, so real. Forever? I honestly do not know. What I know is that my love for you is not merely a part of my thought, it is not simply felt by my heart, but a vital part of my soul.

And so I stay quiet, calmly accepting, knowing no storm can alter what half my lifetime nourished, my love for you.

random thoughts

2008-01-23T13:21:00.000-08:00

I miss you... in my mind your smile comes alive, your touch warms my senses, your kiss... ah!

I love you... rarely expressed, but nevertheless felt. The truth, though hiddden is still very much my reality.

Tears... only mine to shed, helpless but resigned, needing but never asking... still one can hope.

Someday... you and me as one.

aimless wandering...

2008-01-16T16:39:00.000-08:00

You once asked me, what am I passionate about? What is the one thing that I really believe in, enough for me to sacrifice everything I have to be able to keep it. To be honest, I have never given it any thought... not until I lost it.

I am passionate about life. I believe in it so much that no amount of hurt or pain would make me want to curtail it. I've been hurt so bad, to the point of wishing myself dead... but still I live. Yet now, I feel that very same passion ebb away. Losing a life, so closely connected to one's own... yes, I can feel myself dying a little everyday.

Yet I live... with enough life left in me to love you... and yet, it will never be the same.

Sorry...

2008-01-15T17:28:00.000-08:00

Sorry. Somehow, that doesn't seem to be enough. I've failed you in the worst possible way... there was nothing I could do, simply because I did not know.

Nothing was planned, it wasn't expected, I was caught totally off guard. And for that, I suffer. The truth hurts more than I can bear right now, it pains me more than any physical discomfort I had to endure. And right now, I hate myself... for not knowing, for failing you, and for not having the guts to tell you the truth.

Sorry... somehow saying it always fails to convey its meaning.

Ignorance...

2008-01-13T18:44:00.000-08:00

How do you lose something you never knew you had? How do you deal with the loss when you never had the pleasure of knowing? How can you possible grasp the reason, when logic is not what it seemed?

I never knew... such a lame excuse. Seems to be happening to me a lot these days. I should have known... but who am I kidding? Aside from the fact that I found myself overwhelmingly in love with you, I know of nothing else since I got myself into this situation. Sad, isn't it?

There are no regrets, only profound sadness. In time, this too shall pass. One can only hope...

too late, too soon...

2008-01-06T17:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish that there are words to express how I feel. Somehow, saying I love you can never be enough. Words create stories, sometimes sad, oftentimes amusing... but words also hide secrets, of real feelings, of immense hurt, of love.

I too wonder why words escape me whenever you're around. It's not that I do not have stories to tell, but somehow , making small talk when the most important thing in the world is not clear is beyond me. I'm so sorry to disappoint you, but I am just not myself. It gets too hard at times to stop myself that it would appear that I do not care.

Silence... yes, I do indulge in that a lot... I guess too much sometimes that it annoys you. But what is it that you expect me to say, when you say nothing at all. I do not ask for much, just something to let me know what you want from me... where you want me to be in your life, if you want me at all. I know it is not my place to ask for anything... but I think even I deserve that much.

I love you... you must know that. There's nothing that I'd like more than be by your side. But maybe you're right... I was too late.

my eternity...

2008-01-06T07:57:00.000-08:00

What do you say to the person you love, when it's taking all your will power to stop yourself from saying I love you? How do you act in front of him, when you cannot show how much you care? What can you talk about, when you cannot share the future? When you shouldn't even have a past? How do you live today, when there is no tomorrow and yesterday is but a dream?

Yesterday is gone, Now they are only memories, something to keep me company in the days to come, something to make me smile, definitely cry, and maybe... give me some comfort, a tiny flicker of hope that someday, whatever we couldn't have in the yesteryear... we could have for eternity.

Tomorrow?... my mind draws a blank... without you, there is no tomorrow. I could spend my entire lifetime going through the motions of living... but without you... there is no life.

Today, now... you are here with me. And though it pains me to think how little time we have... today at least, I am alive, free for a while to love you. Just for today, there is only us... the forever I will keep in my heart. An eternity lived in a day with you.

almost lover...

2007-10-17T23:53:00.000-07:00

Words might remain unuttered, feelings rarely shown. Fate holding us back, distance keeping us apart. When all is said and done, no matter how things turn out to be... know one thing to be true, I love you.

goodbye sweetheart

2007-10-14T20:42:00.000-07:00

And so it came to pass, I can now honestly say that I loved you... I did, but no more. For more than ten years, you have been my life. The memory of you kept me alive. Before the memory of what once was fade into nothing, I'd like to say goodbye...

For everything that you made me feel, for what came afterwards, for everything that led me to where I am... thank you. Little did I realize, as I run away from your memory, I've been running towards my forever...

Fallen

2007-09-13T16:19:00.000-07:00

Friends turned into lovers... can we still be friends?
I should have been stronger for us.
You should have listened to me.
I should not have fallen for you...
But I did.
My fault?
Yours?
Fate?
Love?

miracle wanted

2007-09-05T16:00:00.000-07:00

You called asking why I haven't been calling you. I said, "I didn't want to bother you because I know you're busy." And you said, you're not, not for my calls anyway. And then you asked if I was sulking because you haven't called me. I said no, because it would be a waste of time to do that. To which you said it's not. So I just said, I'm busy, you're busy, so not calling is ok.

The truth? I miss you so much it hurts. I am forcing myself not to call you, not to think of you... to maybe turn back time and forget I ever fell in love with you. But I can't. Most of the time I can stop myself from calling you, but I cannot stop myself from thinking of you. Nor can I help it when I miss you... to get over loving you? I need another miracle.

2007-08-22T15:49:00.000-07:00

This morning, driving to get some errands done, I was suddenly hit by overwhelming sadness. With tears streaming down my face, I pulled over to get a hold of myself. What I feared is here.

Missing you, loving you has taken it's toll.

2007-08-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

Still, to this day... I love you.

full circle...

2007-08-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

People always say, "everything happens for a reason", only it is up to us to find what that reason could be.

I never questioned why you came back into my life. I just figured, the timing must have been right for me to find you again. And I am glad for the friendship we shared, something that never got affected with the passing of time and the distance between us... maybe... till now.

Time has never been on our side, I should have known that. It was time that robbed us of a chance to explore life together back then. Destiny intervened and gave us another chance to be together once more. But as before, time stepped in. We were too late. Do we wait another twenty years? Do we even have that much time? We never do...

A few hours out of a lifetime... enough to love you. At times when all is quiet, I see you and wish... for a lifetime together instead of just a few hours, to be able to hold your hand, see you smile, hear you laugh, to wake up next to you, or just watch you sleep, but most of all, for the chance to show you how much I do love you. I don't say it much, maybe not even show it at times, but that's just the way it has to be... because you are not mine.

I love you and I miss you... but I miss my friend too. Life has already taken so much that I sometimes wonder exactly what it has given me. But then, of course, it comes full circle... you.

to love somebody...

2007-08-01T16:50:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I was too numb to feel
you came along and showed me what is real
for a moment time stopped allowing me to see
what life could have been if I have you with me

but then, that was just a dream
something that I would not want to wish
for I love you enough to let you be
with someone you love even though it is not me.

missing you...

2007-07-31T20:35:00.000-07:00

I see your smile, I hear your laughter, I feel your touch... all seem real, but they are not. It's in my mind, the memory you left behind, the reason why I stay sane while I miss you.

second chances...

2007-07-26T16:38:00.000-07:00

Hello. The only word that came to mind when I laid eyes on you again. When you left, I thought that would be the last. Our goodbye. But, you came back... only for a while, and was gone again. Part of me was glad, seeing you, holding you, reliving the magic that we found not so long ago. I almost wished that we could be together, but I did not.

Words never said were finally uttered. Feelings that were denied finally set free. Ah, if only life were that simple... And so, for the second time we said goodbye, and while still tucked safely in your arms, I put away this memory... thanked whatever brought you back, but stopped short of wishing.

you in me...

2007-07-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

Looking out the window, looking into my soul, I see you. Slowly, I am finding my place, my little bit of heaven, my moment of bliss. For a moment, doubt crept in, causing me pain, filling me with sorrow. But... my heart felt you and my doubts went away.

I love you. It is only right that I say how I feel about you. You've always said I should know how you feel, and I guess I do, for you have shown me. Still, I know in my heart I wish to hear those words from you, if only to keep it in my memory.

It amazes me how you make me feel. Happy... content...secure... in the knowledge that there is something special between us. Time and distance matters not. In my mind and in my heart, you are here, with me... always.

Untitled

2007-07-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

A shore that witnessed countless sunsets
A wave to wipe away traces of the past
A freedom to create new memories to treasure
A hope to strengthen my heart came at last

A cry to the heavens
A wish for forever
A certainty of nothing
A love time denied

A feeling of helplessness
A body longing for your touch
A mind overcoming the odds
A heart beating for your love

A past that gave me sweet memories
A now that is spent miles apart
A future that was promised nothing
A moment of you and me as one

Dare I go on, or should I walk away?
Live a life knowing, yet always denying
That what we have is stronger than who we are
Together forever, but still worlds apart.

-----maria

what could've been... what I lost...

2007-06-22T14:22:00.000-07:00

And so the question resurfaced… a question of long ago. We never gave it a chance, never faced the truth of what we had. Are we going to let it go unanswered again, for another twenty years or so? What exactly are we afraid of?

It all seems unfair. It almost brought me back to yesterday. You left, with no goodbyes… with me wondering where I went wrong or if I misread what I saw in your eyes. Did I? Am I making the same mistake now? Did I see something that wasn’t there to begin with? Now I am sorry. Sorry that I tried to be honest with how I feel. Sorry that I tried to find out the truth, sorry that I gave myself a chance, sorry to have thought that maybe for once I was wrong and you were right.

I always forget that other people are not like me. Sometimes, not knowing is better than having the knowledge that can only hurt the people we hold dear. I know myself. I should have been stronger for both of us. I know how it feels to hurt other people and how to get hurt in return. Did I not master that concept trying to get to where I am now? But it seems that I failed to learn the lesson that was taught.

Yes, I know. You belong to someone else. You share with her that elusive "spark" we all strive to find in our lifetime. But what exactly did we have? Yes, I say that now as I see and feel it, all a part of the past. It is what I have known all along. The minute we strive for something beyond our friendship, is the minute we start losing what we have… each other.

Lines from an old song come to mind…

"What do we mean to each other, am I friend am I lover or is over now? If this is it then my brother, tell me where do we take it from here? What do we mean to each other am I friend am I lover or is it over now? Do you love me still or do you just mean well?"

I guess whatever questions we might have will indeed remain unanswered. I will never ask because now I am afraid to know the answer. I will never say anything because I do not want to burden you any further. I might feel guilty for my own reasons, but I do not regret, nor will I ever look at what we shared as a mistake that needed to be set right.

This I think says a lot… an old love song…

The flowers that you gave me
Are just about to die
When I think about what could've been
Makes me want to cry
The sweet words you whispered
Didn't mean a thing
I guess our song is over
As we begin to sing

Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
Could've been my lover
Everyday of my life
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
I'll never know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night

The memories of our lovin'
Still linger in the air
Like the faded scent of your roses
Stay with me everywhere
Everytime I get my hopes up
They always seem to fall
Still what could've been
Is better than what could never be at all

Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
Could've been my lover
Everyday of my life
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
You can't know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night

Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
You can't know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night
Ni-ooh-ight
Ni-ooh-ight
How can you know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night

On cold and lonely nights, I do not think anymore of what could have been. I never dream for something more. Nor do I wish for the unattainable. I can only think of what I am missing, my friend by my side.

One who could not stay...

2007-06-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

Goodnight

(- Helena Henderson )

Gladly would I hold you
Close, and drink your darkness.
The hidden, landlocked ocean
Of tears shed and unshed
She said.

But not aloud. So one ran lightly
Up the narrow staircase
To his unlighted windows.
And one who could not stay
Drove away.

lest I forget...

2007-06-19T16:03:00.000-07:00

Internal Exile
- Rachel Loden

What you will not dream
is forced on you
in the mirror,
drags in your mouth
like a toungue...

The orchid boat
drifts empty
through the stars.
Why must you lie down
where there are no flowers?

What you will not live
eats through the closet
like a moth,
is fattened
on a meal of dust.

You have gone
to that distant city
as some enter a shrine,
not to worship
but to be forgotten.

ending confusion...

2007-06-18T10:40:00.000-07:00

Almost a month and nothing to show for it. It was never really about confusion, but more of a refusal to face the consequences of what it could all mean... for me. I have been in love, maybe still is in love for all I know. I've been hurt to the point where I cared not if I were to die. Years... it took years for me to finally see hope that the hurting will finally end. And now that I do, it might just be all for nothing.

You made me forget and helped me find happiness, yes. For that I shall forever be thankful. But in doing so, we somehow managed to both forget the consequences of our actions. But life has a way of balancing things out. I have never lied to myself and will not start doing so now. The time that we shared, the kiss that started it all, and what happened afterwards... I know it means more than what I am willing to admit... and will probably never admit. It already took so long in coming that I almost missed it altogether. But it did come, and it did happen, and I know eventually... it will hurt. But before it does, I will treasure these moments of happiness. Lying alone in my bed, I think of you. Sleeping, I dream of you. As I go about my business everyday, I miss you. If I want to label what it is I'm going through, then I guess I could say I am falling for you (if I haven't already fallen, but of course I will never admit that). I like this fragile kind of freedom that knowing you has given me. It is not perfect, it can still go either way, but it is the first chance I've had to be free to choose... to stay in love with a dream or to try and find my reality. I chose to find reality, but not to find it in you. In this day and age, a lot of people still believe in fairy tales... in happy endings. I also wish for a happy ending, but I will not wish it with you. You have your own happy ending and it is not with me.

I never meant for any of these to happen, but it did. I can say I'm sorry, but I'm not. In fact, I am glad, it might be a little too late, and we were both out of line, but how can I say sorry for something that made me happy? We might continue to travel different paths, continue to live separate lives... but I will always remember that point in time, where our paths met and our lives crossed to create that magical moment, something to remember you by, something to make me smile... a time when I was yours, and for a moment you were mine.

a dream towards reality...

2007-06-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

"Only fools dream of the one thing they can't have."
"I dreamed the dream of you. It was a sweet dream... while it lasted."
- - - excerpts from the First Knight.

I love you sweetheart. For the longest time, I have been in love with you. For years I have kept this feeling inside of me and moved on with my life. I would rather have spent those years with you, showing you how I feel, to share with you something special, to build a life with you, to wake up in the morning with you beside me, create memories that we can look back to together when we are old. But all that... was only a dream. A dream that I am slowly waking up from.

Precious times spent with you were few and far in between. There were more heartaches to overshadow those memories of you, but for some reason, your smile, your laughter, the gentleness with which you held my hand, your kiss... they stayed and made life without you somewhat bearable. I've been to hell and back just trying to get over you... year after year I hoped for a miracle, something to ease the pain of loving you and not have you in my life. It never came, till now.

Stepping beyond the boundaries of loving you and into the unknown scares me the most. For years, I have hoped, wished and even prayed that you would find it in your heart to tell me the truth. You never did... that hurt me the most, not knowing why. Maybe the answers will still come, maybe not... it can only happen in it's own good time. All my life is because of you... but now I am beginning to see me.

I do not wish for a new beginning, I do not wish to forget, but rather I want life to continue and for me to remember that dream of you, for it took me to where I am, made me to what I am and showed me what I can still be. I love you, maybe I always will, but you will be my dream and part of my memory... and hopefully one day, someone else can be part of my life and become my reality.

convincing myself otherwise...

2007-06-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

I miss you. This is such an odd thing to say, at least for me. Till a few weeks back, all I've been missing is a person from my past. Someone that's been conspicuously absent, but nevetheless part of my life. Missing him had been natural, but right now, I am missing you... why? The answer evades me, or should I say I am evading the answer?

I promised myself not to place too much meaning into that kiss. It was something that just happened, never planned, certainly not forseen, totally unexpected, but nevertheless inevitable. Yes, I see that now. Do you remember that first time you kissed me? Long ago, on top of a mountain, overlooking the bay? We were taking in the view, it was breathtaking. We were holding hands, you turned to look at me, and I looked at you, and we kissed. And that was more breathtaking than anything else at that time. Ah, the innocence of youth. The promise of tomorrow... never realized. I could say it was easier to move on, but in truth, life moved and we have to move with it. Memories were tucked away, until now...

Years have come and gone. We've lived our own lives. Was it destiny or was it fate that decided to play a trick on us, to let our paths cross again, to make it possible to see each other once more, to let us remember what it was like, to build memories together, and to share one more kiss...breathtaking. But I promised myself, and you... well...

We've always been friends, back then and now. And if everything else fades into memory again, I will always feel blessed to have you as part of my life.

here's to a little hope...

2007-06-05T17:16:00.000-07:00

I have but one certainty in my life... that I love you, sweetheart. Only now, this is slowly becoming a certainty of the past. I will not say that I am over you... no, not yet. I cannot say that I don't love you anymore, for that would be a lie. But maybe, just maybe, there is hope.

Hope did not come easy nor is it without a price. But right now, I am just glad that it did. For now, I can feel that loving you need not hurt me as much, missing you is not as bad. I do not know how long this feeling will last, but I intend to enjoy it as much as I can, if only to have some moments of peace to tide me over should you come back full force to make me realize that there can only be you.

Long ago, a friend told me this, "Love took you captive... it is also love that will set you free." I never took it seriously, how can I when there was only you? All this time, you have always been in my mind and in my heart. Not a day pass by that I don't think of you. Not a thought escape my consciousness without you in it. Not till one weekend...

A weekend... when all thoughts of you left me, all because of one kiss. A kiss and what came afterwards opened a door for me to finally find hope. To let me reluctantly believe that maybe, there is life without you. To others, it would seem like a typical weekend, but to me, it was something else... and for the first time in years, I was happy. It was a weekend where I was able to let go and just live for the moment.

To the one who made it happen, you will never know how much it all meant to me. I look back to our time together and know that it will help me keep the hope alive. We have our own lives to live and like a line from a movie, "our destinies have always been intertwined, but never joined." It matters not that there is no us, but I am blessed to have had a you, me and a memory.

a complicated life

2007-06-04T11:29:00.000-07:00

I miss you, you said. Do you know that, you asked. I should have said yes, because in truth, I am missing you too. But I said no, I do not want to expect because I might get disappointed.

What a waste. Word play... the things people would do and say to protect oneself from getting hurt. Yes, I am finding out that I can still get hurt. I found myself confused at being happy for the first time in years... because of you.

And so I said, I miss you too, you should know that. Only now, you said, because nothing was ever said before. Honesty, when should it start and when should it end? And where will it lead us?... ah yes, it is indeed a complicated life.

seeking confusion...

2007-05-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

I hope someday I can fully understand the myriad of emotions that surfaced during our weekend together. I tried to plan, to prepare myself to face the unknown that your visit entail. Still, I was caught off guard. Perhaps I underestimated what we had twenty years ago. There were so many questions left unanswered... and all it took was one kiss.

A kiss... everything else faded. You, me, locked in a warm embrace; your lips, mine, seeking what we lost... and then was found.

I lost you once... but then I didn't know what I would be missing. And now you are here, for the moment, I am yours, though you will never be mine. Time lost recovered in those few hours... memories made to last a lifetime.

Time passed too quickly and you are now back where you belong... and here I stayed, somewhat confused, unwilling to find the truth, and a little sad because what had been left unsaid twenty years ago still remained unsaid. And then again, it could only be me, and not you. Perhaps that too will remain unanswered.

Friends above all else... more, never less.

one weekend...

2007-05-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

One weekend... a few days out of a lifetime. That was all that we had. It doesn't seem fair, but then, who am I to complain? Somehow, things will turn out right, but it will never be the same. Too much, too little... I wish it could be more but will never wish it less.

Too late... maybe. A perfect fit... definitely. But reality has to be faced, and so you must leave. I will keep the memories until such time when maybe, fate would let us share more than a weekend of our lives.

On letting go...

2007-04-16T14:25:00.000-07:00

The Art of Letting Go
by consrael

It's over. He's gone.

Why do we have to part while the love is still there? Why do we have to suffer? Why do we have to cry when somebody bids goodbye? Why do beginnings have an end? Why do we have to meet only to lose in the end?

There are questions left unanswered, words left unsaid, letters left unread, poems left undone, songs left unsung, love left unexpressed, promises left unfulfilled.

In a relationship, one of the hardest things to do is saying goodbye and letting go. It is as hard as breaking a crystal because you'll never know when you will be able to pick up the pieces again. More often than not, they who go, feel not the pain of parting: it is they who stay behind that suffer, because they are left with memories of a love that was meant to be, a love that was.

At the beginning and at the end of a relationship, we are embarrassed to find ourselves alone. Unfair as it may seem, but that's the way love goes. That's the drama, the bittersweet and the risk of falling in love. After all, nothing is constant but change. Everything will eventually come to its end without us knowing when, without us knowing how, without us even knowing why. And we must forget not because we have to but because we have to.

In letting go, sorrows come not as a single spy but in batallion. It seems that everywhere you go, everything you do, every song you hear, every turn of your head, every move of your body, every beat of your heart, every blink of your eye and every breath you take always reminds you of him. It's like a stab of a knife, a torture in the night. Funny how the whole world becomes depopulated when only one person is missing. Just imagine, there are billion people on earth and yet it seems you feel lonely and empty without the other.

I don't know if it's worth calling an art, but letting go entails special skills sparkled with a considerable space and time. Time heals all wounds but it takes a little push on our part. Acceptance plays a part. Not all love stories end with "...and they live happily ever after."

Sometimes we have to part because of circumstances beyond our control. We have to suffer if it would mean happiness for others. We have to cry to temporarily let go of the pains. Every beginning has its end like every dawn has its dusk. It's something we can't control, something we had to live up.

It's over. He's gone. But life has to go on. Goodbye doesn't always mean forever. There will always be a place and time where questions will be answered, words will be spoken, letters will be read, poems will be recited in the night, songs will be sung in harmony, love will be expressed in solitude and promises will be fulfilled. Somewhere. Somehow. Someday.

a letter...

2007-03-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

Hello Sweetheart,

I know you're doing fine. Better than I am, but I don't hold that against you. In fact I'm glad. I would have been more devastated if you were not okay.

Sometimes it scares me how time seem to go so fast. But most of all, it scares me that even though a long time had passed, it would seem that I am still living in yesterday. Yes, it still feels like I am living in yesterday. In a time where you looked at me with love in your eyes. A time where I felt happy, content, and secure in the knowledge that no matter what happens, everything will turn out right because you are with me. But that time is long gone. More than a decade if I care to count the years. You were in my life for such a short period of time that it really amazes me why you’re still in my thoughts and in my heart. I know I should have gotten over you by now, forgotten you a little even. But no, you are still very much alive in me. You are still a part of me even though we have been apart for longer than I can remember. Remember when I told you that you have my heart? That is true. I have given you my heart because I know I love you with all of me. Now that we are apart, I have most of myself except my heart.

I haven’t gotten far in trying to get over you. I don’t think I ever will. But still I will try. I owe it to myself, but most of all, I have to find a way to fulfill a promise that I made, to be happy. In retrospect I know I shouldn’t have made that promise. It is not even logically possible. But I have never broken a promise before, and I don’t intend to do so now.

I am not sure how I can do this. I have tried anger… at the thought that you did not even listen to me, much less try to understand or make me understand what went wrong. I even went through that denial stage… begging to be heard, asking for forgiveness (even though I don’t understand what I needed to ask forgiveness for), acceptance that it is really over, even berating myself that you never really loved me at all, that all we had was not real, that you were just playing with my feelings, that what I felt, what I saw, what I knew to be true, was all on me, never you.

I went through all the emotions, but in the end, there is still you, in my heart. Now I am just tired, but I will try again. Not to forget, not to stop loving you, but only to be happy without you.

you...

2007-01-27T13:29:00.000-08:00

lost again...

2007-01-22T19:38:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling lost. I tried to remember what I dreamed about to give me this feeling, but I failed. The whole day I tried to shake off the feeling, but again I failed. Suddenly it dawned on me... I feel lost not because I dreamed of you, but because I am without you. The cold reality of life without you struck me down yet again. I wish I can just will you away. I wish I can wake up one day and not feel lost. I wish I can find myself believing that there is life and love without you. I wish I can stop myself from wishing because I'm finally over you...

I move on... hoping for a miracle. If not a life with you, then a blessed release from loving you will do.

Goodbye 2006

2007-01-08T18:27:00.000-08:00

Cold weather, pristine snow, spectacular sunsets, a hot cup of coffee in front of a lighted fireplace... and my memories of you. A potent mixture sure to lead to a breakdown, wouldn't you say? But surprisingly, I was okay. Goodbye 2006, the hardest year that I had to go through to date.

No denying I shed some tears, that I felt an old ache in my heart, wished things could have been different... I guess these would never leave me when I think of you, but I am better. Took a really long time and a promise to someone very dear, a harder task than just getting over you... to be happy again.

It's been three months since I made that promise. I admit, I am far from being happy, but I know I will get there eventually. Like I said last year, maybe next year...

How do I...

2006-12-09T18:56:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks have been hectic. Hardly a day went by when I'd have time for myself. Too many things needed to get done. Too many people to deal with. Too many memories to keep at bay.

Things to do get done. Poeple can be dealt with. Memories... well, this is something I have to live with.

Yes, my love. I do miss you. I may not write as often about you, or about my feelings for you, but yes, you're still very much in my mind and in my heart. I may be busy getting things done, but your smile is what keeps me going. How can I find happiness without you? How can I hope for a better me without you to guide me? How do I make myself believe in tomorrow when I still live for yesterday?

Christmas is just around the corner. Winter has set in... people are in a rush and full of holiday cheer... and yet here I am... and there you are... worlds apart.

never too late...

2006-11-11T17:20:00.000-08:00

Life has a way of dealing you the unexpected. As it was, this post is a month too late, but that doesn't mean I have forgotten. No, in fact I have vivid memories of that day. I was still awake as night turned into day. In spite of everything that happened the last couple of days, during quiet times, my mind turned to him. It was the 10th year of the day I fell in love. The 10th year when we had our first real dinner together, the night I realized what love was all about.

I wanted to see you, maybe finally clear things up, but I had responsibilities to attend to, the timing wasn't right. Maybe I will never find out, maybe that's the way things are supposed to remain. Ten years, sweetheart. I wanted to say I'm over you, but I'd be lying.

I made a promise to someone very special, a promise that I know will be very hard to keep. But I intend to fulfill that promise no matter what it takes. I love you, sweetheart and I know I will continue to do so. I also know that time will come and I will see you again, if only to lay to rest what I feel for you.

Happy anniversary, sweetheart.

persistent pest 2

2006-10-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

Funny how people react when faced with the truth. It was so much fun letting you leave a message on my blog and seeing how you react to whatever is posted here. You need some anger management courses. You're the one who needs to see a psychiatrist/psychotherapist to resolve your issues. Grow up! I may have lost a love but I was never as miserable and pathetic as you. Oh, and goodluck to.... did you say your girlfriend? or was that your fantasy?

persistent pest

2006-09-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

Of some interest is somebody's persistence to know what has been going on in my life. Why? I don't know, nor do I care. But sometimes it makes me wonder why people who are not part of my life insist on "butting in" so to speak, just to be noticed.

I happen to like writing, whether it is nonsense or something important depends on my mood. Most of the time, I consider my writing of no consequence to anyone except me. I write of my dreams, feelings, my past life and yes, my one true love. I have never kept a diary in my entire life so most of what I write comes from memory. If memory fails, then I opt not to write because it will not be accurate. I guess this is my way of keeping track of my life as it is now.

A lot have changed. My friend always said that I'm romantically hopeless, because up to now I still profess my love for him. It never mattered that we are not together, that he turned his back on me... that I had to go far away to try and forget. None of those mattered because I know what I feel now and I know what I will be feeling even if another decade passes by. My love for him is the only certainty that I have in my life. Everything else is bound to change, but not my love. After ten long years... nothing about that has changed.

As for people who continue to be jealous (?) envious (?) or simply ignorant as to what it really means to love, this is my life, my love. You have your life... live in it instead of trying to live it in mine. My life was shared once with him... that is the way it will always stay.

why?

2006-09-01T22:51:00.000-07:00

I saw you from afar. You said I shouldn't go because people are starting to suspect that there is something going on between us. But fate stepped in and my day was left free to find you. I got on the bus and traveled far to cheer you on... but only from afar, for I do not want you to be mad at me.

The competition has already started, I saw you trying your best to perform what was asked of you. But I also saw your pain, for your body hinders you from being your best. And the worst kind of pain... the pain of defeat when the other team bested your team. It wasn't that your team didn't win, but knowing how competitive you are, not being first means losing. I saw you slumped to the ground, your mind probably going over every angle of the competition, thinking where you went wrong, what was missing. You looked so tired, forlorn, I wanted to come out of hiding to come to you, comfort you, to tell you that we'll try again and do better next time. But I heard your voice telling me that we should not be seen too much together, not yet. So I restrained myself, saying I will do that later, when we are alone, when I can hold you in my arms and try to take the pain of losing away with my love for you.

But things didn't work out as I hoped. You turned away from me after that. You got mad that I went against your wish for me not to come and watch you compete, that after that I accepted a ride from the opposing team, that I befriended them as we shared that ride. You accused me of lying to you. I told you everything that happened, almost word for word when you asked me to recount to you what had been said. You refused to listen to me and instead listened to lies perpetuated by a person who wanted you for herself. I tried so hard to make you see reason, but all you could think about was the fact that I hid myself from you...when all I wanted to do was take you in my arms and kiss your frustrations and pain away.

All that love, all the happiness that I knew back then when we were together, swept away by your anger. I thought our love would have been strong enough to get us through that, but I was wrong. Oh, how wrong I was. I tried to give you some space, enough so you'll calm down and maybe give me a chance to explain myself. But all it ever did was to take you further away from me.

And now, almost a decade had passed. Sometimes, I wish I can say I'm over you, that I do not love you anymore. But I know that it would be a lie. Not a day passed by that I don't think of you. Not a single wish escaped my lips without wishing that we be together again. Not a single moment passed by that I know would have been better if you were here with me. And every single beat that my heart made screamed of the fact that I still do love you.

In spite of the pain, I moved on, heavy at heart, defeated that you didn't have enough faith in me. I wished I could have died, but fate wouldn't listen. Life let me live to die... a slow death of living without you. Knowing I found love and lost it, knowing I will never find it again even if I tried. Forever damned for loving you... forever lost without you.

trapped...

2006-08-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

I cannot say how the day will go. I'm not even sure if it started out already, and if it did, how it actually started. All I know is I'm trapped in this dream... with him.

The dream itself is nothing of note. Just a regular day... together. You might be wondering how a day can be called regular when it is supposed to be spent with him? Yes, I know. It cannot be a regular day, for one, I am not with him. Have not been for almost ten years. I may have seen him, what? three-five times in all those ten years? Most of those times he would be unaware that I was even there, the rest? I don't know... maybe. You see, he is like me in a way, he knows when I am around.

Ah, yes. The dream... It started out with me getting ready for a day out. I was singing... a happy song. I was even putting on a red blouse, one of his favorites. As I was dreaming this, there was a voice in my head saying, "you are dreaming, this is not real". But the dream went on. I heard a car horn sounding from outside. I took a peak from the window and saw his car parked right in front. I hurriedly grabbed my bag, took one last look in the mirror and rushed outside to meet him. I can see my face in that dream. In fact, I can feel what I was feeling in that dream. My face was so radiant, I was so happy... My mind kept telling me... it is just a dream, none of it is real... but my heart refused to believe. I doesn't look like a dream, it certainly doesn't feel like a dream. I am there with him... and I am happy.

We drove to one of our favorite places. To see the sights so to speak. It was a glorious day. The sun was out, only a few clouds in the sky, and there's always a light breeze keeping us company. We walked hand in hand. It felt so right... me holding his hand. It gave me a feeling of contentment, of peace. Wake up, my mind said, but I refused. I am holding his hand and I am content. A slight breeze came our way and I caught a scent in the air... his scent. I breathed in deeply, savoring that sweet smell of his. I must have caught my breath... my mind is frantic now... wake up! But still I refused. I let that smell envelop me in my sleep.

We talked of everything and nothing. I hear him laugh at my silly jokes. My mind pleaded... please wake up. But I am not asleep... I am there... I am with him... he is holding my hand... and I can hear him laughing. And then he turned and gave me that smile of his which always set my heart fluttering. And I smiled back. I felt so blessed, lucky that I have found my one true love and that he is right here with me. Smiling at me, holding my hand, and saying he loved me too...

My mind is now screaming... wake up! don't do this to yourself !

And finally, though my entire being fought so hard to do otherwise, I woke up. Gasping, I tried to calm myself down. My pillow was wet, I must have crying for some time now. As I try to get above that dream state, I caught his scent again, felt his hand in mine... so real it felt that I actually looked to see if he was here with me, in my room. That was when I accepted that it was all a dream.

It's getting late, I have to get ready for work. As I went out of the apartment, I hear the sound of a car honking it's horn. Just like in the dream, I looked. But of course he is not there. I got in the car and as I was driving, his scent assaulted my senses again. I looked over to the passenger side expecting him to be there... he wasn't. I took my hand off the wheels, to turn on the radio and I felt his hand reaching out for mine... I looked up and I see him smiling at me...

And I cried... I am awake but I am still trapped in this dream... with him. And unlike in the dream, I can feel both emotions. Happiness that he is here with me... and pain in knowing that it is not real.

10 years ago...till now

2006-08-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

For you sweetheart... so you might get a glimpse of how it felt almost 10 years ago. Maybe you'll understand why things stayed the same up to now.

To Watch You Leaving
by Jocelyn Galvano-Pickett

To Watch You Leaving . . .

is to know such pain, it's jagged edges tearing into my soul. As a stake from the garden tears into the warm, dark earth.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

knowing all the while that never again will I fit myself, warm with sleep, against your solid back.Nor hear your steady breathing. Or feel the beating of your heart.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

aware in every moment of every day that my dreams, my future; once tied with silken ribbons to yours, will never come to be.

And the mornings once so silent and hopeful, us gazing at the mountains and so gently awaiting forever - are now but small pieces of my past.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

your heart a tight fist of anger and your dry eyes betraying nothing of you. I cry for both of us, my love, because you will not.

To Watch You Leaving . . .

is to know that I've lost my place on this earth. My station. My heart's home. That I will wander, forever a nomad. Alone and afraid. And in my troubled dreams watch you leave, again and again.

For the balance of my days.

silent wish...

2006-08-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

"So starben wir, um ungetrennt
Ewig, einig ohne end."

["Thus we might die undivided
One forever without end." - Tristan and Isolde

coffee on a hot day

2006-07-15T20:17:00.000-07:00

The heat is overwhelming. Summer is definitely making its presence felt, with sweating bodies, oven-like cars even with airconditioning, packed beaches, picnics at the park, everything. Sometimes it makes me feel like the heat is causing me to hallucinate. But then again...

Like a breath of fresh air, he came, with his breathtaking smile and yes that tantalizing smell. For a brief second I thought the heat got to me, but as he walked closer to where I sat I knew he was real enough. I sat there speechless, for what do you say to a vision that came out of your subconscious. A vision bearing gifts. Coffee...

It would seem of no consequence for most people, in fact, most would not say coffee on a hot day can be considered a gift. But to me it was and coming from him gave it more meaning. I have so many questions in my mind, but it was left unasked as I sat there staring at him. He stared back, not saying anything. And from that moment of silence came understanding. The hows or whys are not important. What matters is now.

He did not say much in the short time he was here. Just sat there quietly with me... holding my hand. The coffee left untouched for the time being as there were more important things to take in like the overwhelming feeling of contentment, of peace and yes, of happiness. For a short time, there I was, sitting with him holding my hand and I was happy. Happy... like that time so long ago, in a different place, a different me... a different him.

After he left, it felt like the whole world came crashing down on me again, heavy, dark, lonely. But he left with me a memory, something to remember and hold on to. It's funny how the old memories seem to blend with the new. I do not want to see your face on his. I do not want to see the same kind of caring I saw in you. I do not want to believe in him liked I believed in you. Because I know... it is not you. But everytime I see him, I see you... your smile, your laugh, even that scent of yours and yes, that uncanny habit of knowing.

Ironic how fate sent me someone to make me forget and at the same time remember... and so I remembered.

a month after

2006-06-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

It's been exactly a month after and I made it... still a little crazy, but still in one piece (barely). Had a little accident for doing crazy stuff, ended up sick for a couple of days because of it. Mended physically, still smarting emotionally. In all, it wasn't such a bad thing. I've got a couple of months before it starts hitting me again... I hope.

I know you're okay sweetheart. That is good enough for me. Think of me sometimes? You know how I feel.

a smile from the distant past

2006-06-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

Had a dream of the distant past. There was nothing outstanding about it, except I remembered it after I woke up. For what it's worth, it's keeping me amused for the day. I don't know what the dream meant nor do I know why I dreamt it, but thank you for making me smile...

Driving around with no particular place to go, I stopped at a small inn for the day. I wanted to explore the little town I saw, maybe do some shopping, but mostly just to satisfy my curiosity. I checked in and decided to eat before going around. There was this cozy looking restaurant around the corner so I headed on out to see what they've got.

The restaurant was small, only a couple of tables, but it was very nice. A waitress showed me to a corner table and left the menu as she got my drink. I looked around appreciating the way they've made the place look homey. There was only one other person there trying to get a late lunch. I caught his profile at the corner of my eye and simply looked back again as there was something very familiar with him. I squinted fighting the glare of the sun to see who it was that caught my eye. At first I couldn't figure out why he looked so familiar, and then he turned to signal the waitress and our eyes met.

It was like being thrown back in time. "I know you..." he mouthed the words, as he slowly got up to go to my table. Typical him as I remembered said, "Oh my God! It is you! I can't believe I'm actually seeing you after all these years." And I said, "I can't believe I'm seeing you either, here of all places. "What are you doing here?" I asked. To which he replied, "nothing, just driving around and decided to stop by and explore."

At this point I told myself how totally weird it was that we were just both driving around and stopped here to look around. Talk about coincidences. But then again, I remembered he doesn't believe in coincidences, to him it's destiny. And he proceeded to remind me just that. That after so many years and miles away from home, we stopped in a place with the same goal in mind decided to have a late lunch and picked the very same restaurant at almost the same time giving us the chance to see each other. And just to drive his point home, he reminded me of our song back then...(which of course he had to sing) "somewhere down the road, our roads are gonna meet again, it doesn't really matter when..." I had to hand it to him, he hasn't changed (at least in that aspect).

And so it went, and off we went spending the rest of the day in each other's company. Together down the road, reminiscing of the past, talking about today and looking towards the future.

Ah dreams.... notice how it ends without finishing the story? How one wakes up from a dream wishing one can dream some more? Like I said, it made me smile...

new look

2006-06-19T22:59:00.000-07:00

My friend wanted a new look for her blog so we spent the weekend doing it. Or rather, I did most of it, she picked what she liked. Anyway, since we're at it, figured I'd change mine too... thanks for lending me the picture.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

2006-05-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

I do not see you, nor do I feel you near me. But I know in my heart what you look like and how it felt when you were holding me in your arms.

Happy Birthday. I dream of a time when I can tell you personally.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

2006-05-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

I found this... I no longer have the heart nor the strength to write my own as I feel my life slipping away everytime I do. This does not mean I have forgotten, nor is the feeling gone, but that, feeling it as strongly as I do and not have it returned is a slow death that never ends...

When We Two Parted
by George Gordon, Lord Byron

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.
The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow--
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.
They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me--
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well--
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.
In secret we met--
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?--
With silence and tears.

familiar stranger...

2006-05-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

A scent in the air made me stop. My eyes scanned the faces of strangers passing by and suddenly my heartbeat fails... I closed my eyes... could it be? And logic reasserted itself and told my heart, "be still, you fool! It is not him, it cannot be." I took a deep breath and opened my eyes and just promptly stopped on my tracks (again).

I must have swayed because the next thing I knew, he was holding my hand and asking if I was alright. Another deep breath on my part, trying to buy time to compose myself... Finally I found my voice and said I'm fine, thank you, slowly bringing up my eyes to meet his. I could not stop myself from staring. Had he not been a lot taller than I am and with light brown eyes instead of the usual dark ones, I think I would have fainted. For there he was, almost an exact replica of my one true love. The smiling eyes, that sweet smile... and that unique babyish scent that tickles my senses everytime he came near. I must have turned white as a ghost. He led me to a bench and sat me down. Again I thanked him... He gave me some water from his backpack and sat down next to me, introduced himself and asked again if I was okay.

I said yes I'm okay all the while thinking how could I be, when you are there sitting next to me, reminding me of someone I've always kept at the back of my head. He smiled and introduced himself (again). I really must have been staring because he asked if he reminded me of someone. My wits must have left me because I actually said yes, of someone from a distant past. Then it was his turn to look at me... he said very gently "try not to let this accidental meeting be overshadowed by sadness from the past, remember that each life that crosses our path has a purpose and must be welcomed with gladness."

Shock is too mild a word to describe how I felt when he said that. More so when he said he'll buy me lunch to make up for the shock he gave me.

Lunch was good, in fact, if it were not for the fact that I kept staring at him, lunch would have been great. We talked like we were old friends. For a while it felt like I was thrown back in time. I smiled. He smiled and thanked me. When I asked what for, he said for really smiling.

All too soon I had to leave. He said, "you never told me your name, but that's okay. You have mine." He gave me his number and I gave him mine... along with my name. And we both smiled. As I walked away I took one last deep breath, held it and savored that scent that brought him to me. Will he call? Maybe. Will I? Most likely not. But I am glad to have met him.

longing to tell...

2006-04-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

How great it would be if I can actually write a story to tell my kids about my life. It might not be as exciting as a bestseller, but it would be something to help them understand why things have to be and how they came to be.

At times I can almost hear them ask questions, but never really voiced them out. And I can feel them at times struggle to accept what has become. Beyond un-asked questions and boundless understanding, I've always tried to be honest. In time I would tell them about you, but not yet.

listen and you will hear

2006-04-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing I can't stop it's time. Time moves on it's own with no regard for people. It never goes back always forward. It takes away the past and turns it into memories. No matter how I try, I never seem to catch up, time's always a step ahead, always moving too fast. And as time moves forward, I age, move slower, think more, act less. As a result, I am now way behind with no hope of ever catching up.

I always like to think that as time passes, life gets better. Maybe. At least for the most part. There is one thing that time forgot to take with it, my memory of you. Too many years have passed and yet what happened always seemed like yesterday. And as I slow down, yesterday, your memory is catching up on me.

Throughout the years I've tried to keep your memories at bay. Never really thinking, never really remembering. But even though I try so hard to do that, time has a way of creeping up on me and bringing the past into the present, ensuring that it is there for the future.

Since the beginning, I have never denied that I love you. I have gone through hell and back because of loving you. I almost lost everything because I was willing to give up everything just to be with you. But you walked away. You turned your back on me, unwilling to say why, not even to say you never loved me. And through all the years, I've tried to ask myself what was it that I did to send you away. I blamed everything and everybody else, but most of all I blamed me. Maybe I loved you too much, maybe I didn't show it enough, may be you thought I wasn't serious enough and maybe I wasn't worthy of your love.

I've created so much doubt on myself that I stayed away, hurt other people, but most of all I've hurt myself. I tried moving on, build my self confidence, even fooled myself into believing that I can and will love again. But again, time showed me that it was all in vain. I did manage to move on but my heart stayed. My heart stayed back in time, the time when you and I were together. The happiest time when I heard you say you loved me, the time when we dreamed of our future together. As my heart never left your side, my mind tried to move forward. To take me far away and try not to hurt too much. But the mind sometimes get tired and let it's guard down. That's when the past catches up and makes the future seem bleak.

Moving on... almost ten years and nothing to show for it, except the fact that I still love you. Time passes and I wonder if I'll ever see you again. Just to see your smile, hear you laugh, be in your presence. Will I ever hear you say you love me? Maybe not, but you will hear me. I love you, sweetheart.

facing life...

2006-03-12T14:09:00.000-08:00

Trials have always been part of human life. I don't think I've ever met a person who hasn't faced a challenge in one form or another. But why do we have these trials? Is it a necessary part of life? Most people would say yes as it would make one a better person. Would it?

People trying to be positive in the face of adversity might say there are people out there with worse problems than themselves. Is that the truth? Or is it a relative kind of thing? People react to problems differently and people are uniquely equipped to handle the same kind of situation in a different way. Perception is unique for each individual.

Depending on the situation or should I say the person, a trial in life might bring families together or tear them apart. Some might try and isolate themselves, others might thrive with the company of friends, still others might become bitter, some even violent where others might be accepting.

Is it the situation that makes a person or is it the person who makes the situation better or worse? Or is it all a matter of faith?

a matter of faith...

2006-02-25T16:52:00.000-08:00

Just finished reading "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" by Mitch Albom. It's a story about an 83-year old man who died on his birthday trying to save a little girl. The story did not start at the beginning but rather at the last hour of his life. The story started with his end, but like the author said, an end can be a beginning.

Each of the five people might be your loved ones or distant strangers but each would have touched your life and changed your path forever. Each would hold the key to understanding why you chose to travel down a certain road and turn your back on another. At the end of it all, you will understand who you are, why you existed, how you touched other lives, what you did to make a difference.

The story was simply told. Though the story is based on a belief in God and a life after death, it carried none of usual evangelizing that you might find in other faith-based books, very different from your "light at the end of the tunnel" type of thing. I find myself liking this story better. Just like the living, the dead might also have questions that they want answered and this story provided us with that possibility.

As to who those five people would be for me, I have no clue. As for going to heaven or hell for that matter, I still have to convince myself that they exist. It's hard enough to believe that there is a reason for one's existence here on earth, much less what goes beyond it. Who knows, if I never find the answers I am searching for while I still live, I might find them when I am gone from this world. Or then again, I might just find out that there is no place beyond this earth, or I might really not know at all because death is the end.

two months in darkness

2006-02-23T22:37:00.000-08:00

Time continually surprise me with how quickly it always seem to pass. We are now nearing the end of February and to think I can still taste the food we had last Christmas. Two months into the year and what have I got to show for it?

Memory is such a fickle thing. Though I remember last Christmas, I have no clear recollection of what went on the last two months. When I mentioned this to a friend of mine, she said that it is because my mind is so strong that it blocks out any thought that might affect me negatively. What she said made me think. There is only one thing that can affect me negatively. Does that mean most of my thoughts have been circling around on one thing?

Two months into the year...

Valentine's Day

2006-02-13T22:20:00.000-08:00

A day specially for the heart... for people in love, for people with love in their hearts. This should have been a joyous occasion, but not for me. I may be in love and have love in my heart, but I am alone. Telling myself to forget and move on, but knowing in my heart that I will love him forever. Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetheart!

when the rain falls...

2006-02-09T20:49:00.000-08:00

I know my friends meant well with this. The English version will not do the song justice, but the words are very apt.

ULAN RAIN
- by Cuesche
Lagi na lang umuulan The rain just kept falling
Parang walang katapusan Raining like there is no end
Tulad ng paghihirap ko ngayon Just like the pain I have in my heart
Parang walang humpay Feels like there'll be no end
Sa kabila ng lahat ng aking pagsisikap No matter how hard I tried
Na limutin ka ay di pa rin magawa I still can't seem to forget you
Hindi naman ako tanga I am not a fool
Alam ko na wala ka na I know that you are gone
Pero mahirap lang na tanggapin But it is just so hard to accept
Di na kita kapiling That you're no longer by my side
Iniwan mo ako nag-iisa You left me all alone
Sa gitna ng dilim at basing-basa pa sa ulan In the dark and in the rain
Pero huwag mag-alala But you don't have to worry
Di na kita gagambalain I will not bother you
Alam ko naman ngayon Because I know that
May kapiling ka nang-iba You are with someone else
Tanging hiling ko sa'yo All that I ask of you
Na tuwing umu-ulan Every time the rain falls
Maalala mo sanang may May you remember that
Nagmamahal sa'yo. There is someone loving you
Ako... Me...
Lalalalalalalalala Lalalalalalalalala

When we parted ways, it was a rainy day. But the rain stopped when I cried. I guess the rain felt that it can never compete with the tears I'm shedding. The day was overcast and the night was chilly, but it cannot compare with the darkness that clouded my heart and the coldness that enveloped me. I tried over the years to forget, but I got tired of trying. I know I was a fool to think I'd be able to forget you. I stayed away, though it pains me to do so. I remember that time we were sitting in the car, it was raining hard but we didn't care. You held my hand and told me you loved me, your eyes said more to my heart than your words ever could. I love driving when it rains, because I can feel that moment coming back to embrace me, reminding me that it wasn't just a dream. That for one moment your heart and mine were one. Whatever did we do wrong?

a song, a life, a story

2006-02-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

A friend sent me this. She thought it might interest me...

I remember so well
The day that you came into my life
You asked for my name
You had the most beautiful smile

My life started to change
I'd wake up each day feeling alright
With you right by my side
Makes me feel things will work out just fine

CHORUS

How did you know
I needed someone like you in my life
That there's an empty space in my heart
You came at the right time in my life

I'll never forget
How you brought the sun to shine in my life
And took all the worries and fears that I had
I guess what I'm really trying to say
It's not everyday that someone like you comes my way
No words can express how much I love you

I guess she's right. I clearly remember the first time I saw him and funny that he did ask me my name. Later everybody who knew me would know that what I remember and like most about him is his smile. My life did change. I guess he came at the right time. But then... I will never forget... how much I...

I found what most people can only dream of, my one true love. Words will never be able to express that wonderful feeling. Writers and poets have tried to say it in so many words, but for all that have been written, it barely touched the surface of what love truly mean.

My one true love, remembering gives me bittersweet memories. I know I didn't have you for very long, but my love for you stayed with me. The few times that we've had together reminds me of unsurpassed happiness that made life without you almost bearable. For a long time I hoped that one day we'll find ourselves together again. But as years pass by, I had to let go of that hope, if only to try and find myself and be able to live once more. To a certain extent, I have moved on, more out of neccessity than anything else. I still remember, at times I still cry, sometimes I wish, but mostly I stop myself from wishing and hoping.

remembering valentine's day

2006-02-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

Once again we come to that time of year when people all over the world celebrate love. This event is most special to people who have found love and are with the people they love. But what happens when you find yourself alone on this special day? More importantly, what happens when on this particular day, you find out that you have been betrayed by the person who mattered at that time?

The 14th of February, Valentine's Day as we call it, a day for lovers and people in love. It's been so long since I've celebrated this day. In fact, it's been so long ago that I cannot even remember how it was celebrated. All I remember now on this day is that I found out the truth of cataclysmic proportions that eventually changed the rest of my life.

After that day so many years ago, I thought that was the end of any romanticism in me. I thought that would be the end of me believing in love. How wrong I was. I found out later on that I never even knew what it was to love, be in love and be loved in return. What happened was more a betrayal of trust. It was not necessarily a better thing to happen but then, it was nothing compared to what was to come.

Certain things require proof and then some only require faith or to a lesser degree, gut feel. But then, what exactly are we supposed to do when gut feel surfaces, your mind refuse to believe what you feel and then you are suddenly confronted with undeniable proof? It took a while for me to digest everything that's been happening. It took some time for me to decide what to do, but once decided it's final. People frowned, tongues wagged, but I moved on. Now all that is a distant past and even the memory is fading. Ironic how hard it is for me to remember when I have something that serves as a constant reminder of that past. But then again, memory can be a fickle thing and the mind will always forget what is unimportant.

a question to ponder...

2006-01-26T21:59:00.000-08:00

A friend once asked me, do you regret ever falling in love? I know the answer to it, but being asked point blank made me pause to consider my answer. It also made me wonder where the question came from (but I will come back to that).

Have I ever regretted falling in love?

I fell in love when I shouldn't, when I least expected it, and with the most unexpected person. It was a shock to say the least, to suddenly find out, undeniably and irrevocably that I was in love with someone. Suddenly, my life was not mine anymore. Love chose me and not the other way around. This is that aspect of love that nobody can control. The "shouldn't" part, though considerably hard had an easier solution... you just let it be without doing anything about it.

Destiny? Fate? That we should meet, fall in love and part ways. Sometimes, in the passing of years, I wanted to doubt the reality of that love. Was it only me? Was it the same for him? But when I reach down to recapture those moments, I know in my heart that it was real, that it is still real for me. Some would say that maybe it's what I wanted to see. Maybe. It was a time in my life when I found myself really happy. In a moment of absolute certainty, I felt that no matter what, I will remember this love for as long as I live. And I have. It is a part of who I am right now. At times when pain overwhelms me, I would think how life could have been different. But then I still would choose love, the pain and the memories.

I never regretted falling in love. Once in a while I give myself a mental kicking for losing that love thinking maybe I did not fight for it hard enough. Then I look towards the future, sometimes wishing... but always accepting what I've come to know as inevitable.

goodbye 2005

2006-01-26T20:25:00.000-08:00

Winter. Though I love this season, I think it's also the season that emphasize the fact that at times I feel so alone. New Year came and went, the whole of 2005 is now a memory. With a few slip-ups, I think it's been a good year.

Cold weather, a cup of coffee and my memories... Cheers to 2006!

the time is near...

2005-12-11T17:11:00.000-08:00

How do you prepare yourself to leave the past behind? Nay, not just the past, but your entire life. Can a person really start life anew, with a clean slate, free from the past? Maybe...

In a few more months I will be starting a new life. Hoping that there will be no need to look back, nor a need to go back. For now I try to live the present hoping that today too will be left behind for good...

Things...

2005-12-03T22:42:00.000-08:00

There are times when I question certain things that happened in my life. Is it my fault? Did I cause something to happen? Did it happen because of who I am, of what I am? But then I would also ask myself, what did happen that's beyond your control to make you into what you are?

As I go through life, I've learned that things happen. Whether you want it to or not, whether you caused it or not, things just happen. It's a combination of everyone willing whatever they want to happen. It appears random, but then again it's not.

Some study would say that we are what we are because of our genes, some would argue that we are shaped by our environment. I'd like to think that it's a combination of both. I know part of me I got from my Dad and still part came from my Mom and from my own experiences growing up.

Growing up. Have I done that? I know I grew old but I'm not sure if I've actually grown up. I'm not even sure I know what that meant.

freedom and consciousness

2005-11-14T14:01:00.000-08:00

1. Freedom is a state of mind.
2. It lies beyond the field of consciousness.

I read this somewhere, and it has gotten me quite confused. If freedom is a state of mind, then how can it lie beyond the field of consciousness? Is it the kind of freedom the resides in our subconcious? Does this mean freedom can only occur when we are not concious of it? That the moment we become conscious is the moment we lose our freedom? How do we know we are free if we are not aware of it. Is it a sense of freedom?

I guess in part this is true for how can we be free in our consciousness when this comes with preconcieved notions of what is and what isn't. Our consciousness is riddled with experiences, of conclusions, knowledge and memories. Does it mean we have to shed everything to be free? Without our consciousness, what are we left with? Will we still exist? If we are not concious of our own existence, will freedom matter?

the only thing constant...

2005-11-05T20:47:00.000-08:00

It has been said that the only thing constant is change. Everything changes over time. I guess to a point I can believe that this is so, but then again, sometimes, I get reminded that some things never really change. Sure we get old, our fiery self might somewhat be tamed over time, even our beliefs shift to make living comfortable as we journey down the road. The season changes to mark the passage of time. And even though we might go through the same seasons every year, things will be different.

I ask myself, have I changed? To a point, maybe... but not entirely. There is one more thing that is constant... it has remained the same throughout the years. I feel it will remain the same for years to come.

The only thing constant is change... do I dare wish for a change?

run...catch up...face it!

2005-11-03T14:17:00.000-08:00

My friend said, no matter how fast or how far you run, everything will catch up to you eventually. To which I replied, I think I have stopped running by now. I think I'm in that "waiting for things to catch up" stage. As to whether I'm prepared when things finally catches up with me... well, that's another matter.

I have found out that no matter how much you try and prepare yourself, things never work out the way you think they will. It doesn't matter how many scenarios you've tried to play in your mind, no matter how many outcomes you can come up with, in the end, things will run the way it is, but never how you think they will. So why waste time preparing?

Like I've said, I'm tired... as a result, I've slowed down a lot. Whatever's trying to catch up will soon be here facing me. It's bound to happen sometime. Maybe sooner, maybe later, but it will come. Maybe it won't be as bad as the first time...

two weeks after...

2005-10-29T11:24:00.000-07:00

Hey! It's two weeks after D-Day. I'm alive! Am I okay? I think so... or should I say I hope so? Ah, whatever, all will be better after. It's always been that way... till next year. Or who knows maybe next year it won't be as bad.

Through all the years
I've shed these tears
Hoping for release
From love's first kiss...

Maybe next year...

the day after...

2005-10-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

I woke up late, very late. It's a good thing work doesn't start till later in the day or else I'd have been in trouble. No hangover (but of course, I did not drink!), no bloated feeling after the enormous amount of food I consumed the night before. Nothing to indicate that I have yet again marked another year to my never ending journey.

In fact, I feel almost normal. Almost.

the day before...

2005-10-13T21:27:00.000-07:00

9:29 pm, October 13, 2005. Up to now I have tried to keep my mind blank. I tried to amuse myself with everything I can think of. I went shopping, I surfed the Internet, I read books, I tried to do some mini-research, watched TV, played violin, made life hell for some drivers who shouldn't be driving, ate more food to last me a lifetime. After all the activities, I stopped for a second to stare at the computer screen. That's when I admitted to myself that my diversions didn't work. Did I expect it to? Honestly, not really, but I hoped. I hoped that maybe this year things will be different. A tiny bit maybe, but not much. So here I am a few hours away from that fatal moment. Putting up a brave face, showing the world everythings good, silently crying inside, grieving... trying to recover, but never quite managing such.

How much longer? Too long by now, but still counting... maybe next year...

A moment like this....

2005-09-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

A Moment like this.
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.
Some people search forever for that one special kiss.
I cant believe its happening to me.
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.
-Kelly Clarkson

Simple lines from a song, but powerful enough to bring me to tears. This song has been around for some time, but for some reason when I was listening to it yesterday as I was driving, it brought me on the verge of a breakdown. I had to park on the side of the road because I just could not keep driving(thank goodness I was off the freeway by that time).

What made me cry? I don't know exactly. Maybe it's the realization that I have found that moment in time and have lost it. That it will never come again even if I wait another lifetime. One special moment, one special kiss, a smile then it was gone. Years have passed, I know I have moved on, somewhat. But once in a while the memory can still overwhelm me, and when it does the all the years of moving on seem to vanish into thin air and I'm back again to where I've started.

Sometimes it makes me wonder what the point of moving on is all about. I don't think one can really recover from losing the one that you love. Sure, I can always say it's all in the past, I have a new life now, but honestly, do you ever really move on and leave the past behind? Or is it forever going to be like this? At the most unfortunate moment, something will trigger that memory and you'll remember that no matter what you do and no matter where life takes you, you'll never be complete because of that moment you've lost forever.

This I think is what tires me more than anything. Everything is going right then something triggers the memory and I'm thrown back in time. Oh, I recover fast now, not like before, but I think it's taking its toll on me. I just hope I can keep this up till everythings as it should be.

there goes the faith...

2005-09-08T21:56:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I try not to think too much for fear that I would lose whatever peace I've come to have. Most of the time I read, nothing serious to prompt me to think too deeply though. Lately I've read a trilogy about a Christ clone, which in the end turned out to be the anti-Christ prophesized in the Bible. The book started out really well, introducing concepts and ideas about Christ and religion in a different light. Though at times it tends to preach, it established a good framework for the story. I could have said that in all the books were good but in the end, all it ended up with are old teachings and old beliefs that people like to cling on to. It gives them hope to do this I guess. I just wonder when someone can actually write something about Christ and all he stands for without reverting to ingrained religious beliefs. But I guess this would be somewhat impossible. For how can one write about Christ without the beliefs ingrained by the Church, when he is the symbol of that very belief?

dreams

2005-08-18T22:17:00.000-07:00

Dreams. Of late I have been reading books on the topic. I'm curious to find out what experts have to say about it. I'm actually impressed by the amount of information that one can find both online and in print.

Why the curiosity? Simple, I've been having quite a lot lately and I wanted to find out what they mean other than my normal instincts that it's an event that is bound to happen.

Dreams, experts say are products of our subconscious trying to come out in the open(of course I've badly paraphrased their description, but it'll do). Sometimes it's a manifestation of some deep anxiety that we feel and cannot face while in conscious state. Or a longing for something or someone. Or it can also be a significant representation of phases in our life. They've even provided some meaning to symbols in our dreams. They did say that rarely are dreams a form of prophecy, giving an example of someone dying in their dreams as a sign that they'll never wake up obviously saying that how can you recount the dream if you've already died. Of course I'm not claiming ot be an expert on dreams, I just wanted to see if there are any other explanations as to their nature. Prophesy or an outlet? who knows.

As they said, all people dream and almost every night (except for drug induced sleep), but not all remember that they actually had a dream when they wake up. Now, that part might be true... for I am guilty of not having dreams at all at least for a long time before now. It might be that my brain simply refused to let me remember that I indeed dreamed of something or someone. Self preservation? Not of consequence? Whatever the reason, it is rare that I dream and remember it when I wake up. There is a twist though. When I do remember a dream, most of the time, or should I say all the time, the dream does come true. Not all of them immediately, and sometimes it doesn't even happen till years afterwards, but it does happen. I have never dreamed of things(at least not that I remember), I always dream of people and events or circumstances happening to certain people. Sometimes, I don't know that person yet, but when I do wake up and remember a face, then I'd know that I'll meet that person somehow, somewhere. Sometimes, I'm in a middle of a conversation and I'd suddenly have this feeling of deja vu and I'd carry the conversation for both of us saying what the other person is saying at the same time they're saying it. Feels weird, definitely. Most of my dreams are limited though to immediate family, friends and acquaintances, and at times future acquaintances. I do not have visions of what the world will end up in or who's going to get assassinated or if we'll have a plague as a result of terrorism. But even then, I get scared of what I'll remember when I wake up that I must have forced myself to forget as soon as I open my eyes.

It worked for a while, but of late I've been dreaming, nothing really bad, but disturbing at least for me. Some of the dreams have implications that I have yet to analyze and prepare myself for in the event that it should happen... Sometimes I also think that some of my dreams seep into my consciousness to warn me to brace myself. I've still yet to find a really good source of information that will answer my questions as to the real nature of dreams. I'm aware that most of them are theories as there really is no way to know exactly what and where dreams come from... at best they look like spikes in a chart of brain activity. Of course, experts would argue that it's more than that, but unless one actually was able to get inside a dream, I'd be hard to convince.

As for now, I dream... and remember... and wonder...

of being alone...

2005-08-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

I've always been pretty open with the thought of death, well, at least my own. I used to be afraid at the thought of dying, but somewhere along the way, I have accepted and with acceptance came understanding, and as I understand better, a path has been cleared and now I don't fear death. I fear more what it will do to the people I will leave behind.

And what brought on this morbid thought of dying? My uncle lies in a coma and might not recover. And though we are not that close, at the back of my mind I know that he'd always be there in the background. And now the thought that he won't is causing me to face my real fear, of being the one left behind when everyone else has passed on. I don't know if it's coincidence, but my Dad's older sister died first of cancer, my uncle is the second of the lot, and he lies in a hospital with little chance of recovering. Another sister is in line before my Dad gets into the picture and then there's the youngest sister. Normally I don't believe in superstition or anything that borders on supernatural, but this one makes me uneasy. Not only because it involves death, but that it seems to be following some order.

I might have accepted the fact of my own death, but of people I love... I have a very long way to go. I don't know if there really is heaven or hell, or if there is a soul, or if a persons essence just floats away after one dies. Of those things I really don't think about. Whatever it is, will be. I do not strive hard to be religious to ensure my soul's acceptance into heaven. I just try to do what's right at least as I see it. I try not to hurt other people as I don't want them to hurt me. A little limited one might say, but I'm only human and as such, hampered by human behaviors and thinkings. That is all I try to do, be human, not even an enlightened human... just simply human.

I've already lost someone I love, thought not in death, the feeling of loss is still traumatic. A long time have passed but I'm still recovering. I cannot even begin to imagine what it'll be like to have someone really close to me die. Oh, there have been other relatives who passed away, but that was when I was too young to understand, or too much in between to care. But with age comes wisdom as an old saying goes... and sometimes that wisdom is not a welcome one. And now what I fear most was being left alone by myself to carry on when everybody else is gone.

I am here because of my family and my friends. Without them I would be lost. I don't deny that there might be some purpose for me other than being a part of a family or being a friend but I have no illusions as to how far I can go without their support. Sometimes it's hard when one is too honest with one's self.

friendly conversation

2005-07-25T22:03:00.000-07:00

I saw a friend last week. We didn't have very long but I guess when it's between friends, a lot can be said and understood in a very short time.

She seemed okay, at least you get a feeling she's okay when you look at her, but not if you look long enough. She's getting restless(again), though where this restlessnes will take her I can only guess. She still has that haunted look in her eyes, one that she tried hard not to let me see. But when you've been down that road before you'll know. Of course I did not really press her on this, I think she has it in her mind to find out how I really am, so I played along. I almost forgot that sometimes she asks hard questions and the only way out was to answer them honestly.

First thing she asked me, "Do you still think of him?"

I said yes I do, on some days a lot but then again if I'm lucky I can go days/weeks without thinking of him. It's a "time" thing. Time does wonders to ones memories.

Does it still hurt? she asks.

Not as much as before, might be I'm healing, might be I'm numbed of it could be I don't care anymore. But once in a while it still gives a certain twist in the heart, a discomfort that I usually take care of with a long and fast drive in my car.

She said maybe it would help if I actually see him in person, you know like a getting over him thing.

I said maybe, but then again, maybe not. At this point I'm not willing to let go of my fragile calm. It already took me too long to get to this point and there's no point in risking anything just to satisfy a curiosity. I told her in time I will see him and know that it's okay, but not yet.

That's when she told me she saw an old flame of hers and said that it's fine with her. She's okay. That she saw some form of regret in his eyes.

I thought to myself, she's trying to make it okay. But as for me, I have to illusions as to what my state of mind is so I kept quiet. I think she wanted to show me she's gotten strong since the last time. I've no doubt about that, she has gotten strong, but not enough to look away at what she thought she saw in his eyes. I wanted to make sure that I'll have none to show by the time I see him again, regrets or no regrets. There can never be anything in between.

The she asked the most difficult question of all, and it doesn't have anything to do with whomever we were talking about. She wanted to know about a friend who is not so much of a friend now, my fault.

"Do you regret letting him go?" she wanted to know.

The biggest regret I have is losing a very dear friend. Someone who was there to lift me up no matter how low I've sunk. Someone who gave his life to me so I can have mine back. Someone who sacrificed himself so he can give me a good push to help me move on. Someone who loved me even if I cannot give him the love he deserved. Yes, there are some regrets, but I keep them to myself. He deserves to be happy or at least find someone who can give him the love I denied him.

On the way home I ended up thinking how ironic it was that the question the disturbed me most was the one of letting my friend go, of giving him up. I guess for this too I'd need a lot of time before I can think about it without doubting the decisions I've made.

Loneliness is a tough companion. It offers no relief, only sadness.

on forgiveness...

2005-07-14T22:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it takes a great deal of suffering to find out who your real friends are. There were moments in the past where I have neglected these true friends in favor of those "friends" I thought were real at that time. I have found this out the hard way and have also suffered because of it. Thankfully, my true friends are still around to help me pick up the pieces of my once tattered life.

But what have I done to deserve this abandonment, the indifference? I guess it was partly my fault. I have hurt someone so bad and they gave their loyalty to him. It is not that I condemn their actions, but rather, I question it. For what do they know of the real circumstances surrounding this betrayal? They have not been part of my struggle to reclaim my life from the pits where it was thrown like some neglected and unimportant piece of trash.

It's been a long struggle and I'm afraid there's still more hardships to come. I am tiring but I know I will survive, just as I have survived losing my only reason for living. I know I have hurt someone so deeply, but not as deeply as I've hurt myself when I left him and let him go. He was the one who willed me to survive when I have given up. He will never know how much he has come to mean to me. And for all this I suffer, but always in silence. He gave me my life back, but I know I took his away when I left. But then, there are things that cannot be helped. One must do what one must do.

Now I live this life, the one he gave back to me, but I live it in emptiness. Empty because I have not forgiven myself. For my weakness, nor for my strength for they were the cause of all the pain. As I move towards the unknown, I hope for peace to finally find me. That in time I will learn forgiveness for myself. To view my mistakes as part of my imperfect life and somehow in doing so become whole again.

too much honesty

2005-06-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

I think I've heard somewhere that sometimes too much honesty is the fall of man. Now don't ask me who said that because I don't remember. Well, whatever or whoever it is, I think it's true. Next time, I'd rather be vague and let others interpret what I've said than tell them outright what is and what is not. Please give me more patience to get some things over with. I fear the consequences if I fail to exercise this virtue to its full extent.

moving on

2005-06-19T10:46:00.000-07:00

One of my friends told me she stopped reading my blog for now. Some of the writings here gets her in a depressed state. When asked why, she said, I write of sad things, of lost love. Before, she only accepts what I'm going through without question because she's my friend, but now I guess she understands how it feels. I know she loved and lost. Don't worry my friend, time is a good ally. I will not lie to you that it will take a long time to get over it, or maybe you will never get over it, just learn to live with the fact that the memories will be your company as you grow old. But time has a way of making us accept and be at peace with ourselves. There will be times when you will cry while watching a love story, or feel envious when you see couples holding hands, but as time passes by it will not be as bad.

these days...

2005-06-04T17:07:00.000-07:00

In a few more days, it'll be my fourth year here in this new life of mine. The years have actually gone by fast, though on some days I felt that everything dragged. I can still remember the flurry of activities, all the paperwork, with no real thought that I will be leaving my life, the only life I've known, behind for good. I had honestly thought that I'd be gone for a couple of months tops.

As life and fate would have it, they played their little trick and I'm still here, awaiting for the final pieces of the puzzle to fall into place. I really shouldn't complain, everything has been good. I've been slowly but steadily building a good life, getting everything set for my children. In a couple of more months I would have achieved what a lot of people can only dream of. Patience and hard work has its rewards.

And as I labored this last month to survive, as I always do every year at this time, my friend asked me to read a couple of books. The books were great, of that I am sure. Its about a love so strong that it stood the test of time. Greater still because it was able to overcome sickness and death. But in all its greatness, where exactly does it leave me? Me and all others who have suffered a lost love. Most will cry, some will be renewed with hope, still some will remain the same... lost.

I have always wondered how one goes on with life when one has already died inside. It's been almost nine years, but I'm still here, alive. Am not so sure if I'm actually living, but I'm definitely alive. I've chosen this path because I have my children to think of. And to think, I've almost given them up when I thought, no, when I knew with my entire being, that I have found the one person that I know I will love forever. Yes, I too was weak, long ago. Now, I'm glad that I have my children, they've kept me strong all these years.

Of lost love? It will remain lost. I will journey far and wide to find myself in this lifetime, to find some peace as I grow old. But that lost love will remain forever lost even if it finds it way back to me.

two novels...

2005-06-04T16:55:00.000-07:00

I have just read two novels by Nicholas Sparks. They were recommended to me by my best friend. In all reality, I don't know why people tend to do this to themselves. Read about a great love story and cry simply because that is all we can do, read about them. I have no doubt that some people have actually been blessed to have the kind of love we often read in novels, but there are equally the same number of couples left with their hearts broken. Still we read about them or watch them in the movies, and cry, and hope, we always hope that in the end, we'd be able to say we experienced that kind of love too.

Star Wars Episode III

2005-05-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

Was finally able to watch Star Wars Episode III. It's really good, but then I'm a fan so I'm biased. Only thing is, this movie should be watched with people who's got the same interest as you. That way, after the movie, you get to enjoy it more by discussing every bit and angle of it.

Missed watching this with you, Friend.

for you, sweetheart...

2005-05-23T15:06:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday, sweetheart. I'm afraid this is as far as I can go. Even after almost nine years, I still call him sweetheart. Not that I'm still hoping we'd get back together again someday. No, I think I'm past hoping. I call him sweetheart because that's what he was and still is to me. Am I holding a torch for him, no more, the flames have gone out long ago with any hopes I might have. But it will be his birthday and I kind of gotten used to greeting him in my own way. Just to wish him well and to thank him for giving me the chance to be part of his life for a short time. To thanks him for showing me what love is, for making me feel loved, for helping me to be strong as I continue to live without him.

There were times, more than I care to count, that I would have gladly given in to despair, I welcomed death but even that was not given to me as an escape. So I moved on, and moved far away to try and find myself, give myself a chance to live again. So here I am, thousands of miles away, looking back, remembering and wishing my sweetheart happy birthday.

more words found...

2005-05-22T10:45:00.000-07:00

SCENE III

And so it went, my ex-husband almost always around when you least expect him to be. The children are in seventh heaven as I see myself being burned in eternal hell.

One time he picked up the kids from school and presented himself at my office.

"What are you doing here?" (Man, I thought, this line is getting old). And if looks could kill he'd be dead and we won't be having this ridiculous conversation.

"I picked up the kids, we're hoping you'd join us for dinner." He said.

Of course, my place of work being small as it is, everyone was curious as to who this man is picking me up to take me to dinner and with my children too. Nothing left to do but introduce him.

"Guys, this is my ex-husband." And I looked around telling myself that next time I have a bombshell to drop I'd have a camera to capture their faces. "I'm leaving," I said as I gathered all my stuff giving them a look that we'll talk about this later. Judging from the look on their faces I doubt it if a miracle can save me from questions the next day.

On the way down I looked at him and said, "You are not going to do this to me again. You cannot come to my office to pick me up with some excuse that you wanted me to join you and the kids for dinner. In case you have forgotten, you ARE my EX-HUSBAND, not my boyfriend, not my friend, not anybody considered close enough to me to pick me up from work."

"I'm so sorry, he said. I just thought it'll be nice to have dinner with everyone present, you know, Mom, Dad, and kids."

"But that's just it! We are not a family. When did you start forgetting that simple fact that we ended that relationship years ago? You are the Dad, yes. I am the Mom, yes. And they are our children, yes. But we are not a family. Remember that next time you think of another stunt like this.

Children are always best in diffusing the most volatile situations. Dinner turned out okay with me keeping my temper in check.

He took us home and said goodnight to the kids. I told them to get ready for bed and I'll check up on them shortly. I hate to burst my children's bubbles but I have to tell the exactly what's going on. I am not happy with the situation I'm being forced into and its time they know exactly where I stand.

I called for them to join me. They sat on each side and snuggled close to me on the couch. It's always a nice feeling that they seem to know when I need to be hugged.

"This is not going to work, you know." I started saying.
"What's not going to work?" My son asked.
"This thing that your Dad is trying to do, it's not going to work." I answered.
"Why not?" Asked my daughter.
"Because I'm not going back to him. He may be your Dad and I might have lived with him for nearly seven years but I'm not making the same mistake again. And please don't forget the most important reason why it's not going to work. I don't trust him not to mention the fact that I don't love him anymore. I haven't for a long time and I know I never will. I have never lied to you about how I feel and I'm not going to start now. I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it's just the way it is. I hope you understand. I'm sorry if you guys hoped it might turn out good. I told your Dad at the start that I don't want to give you guys false hopes. You know I'd do anything for the two of you, but this is one thing that I cannot, so I'm asking both of you to do this for me."

My children hugged me tighter and said, "We understand, Mama. Can he still keep coming here, though? Take us out, cook us food?" They asked hopefully.

"Yeah, sure." I said. "As long as both of you know how I feel and accept my stand on this matter." Giving in to my children's request even though I know it'll be hard on me to put up a good front all the time. No point of giving them more burden to bear. I'll keep this one to myself.

"Thank you, Mama." They both said and hugged me even tighter and kissed me on the cheek.

trying to find the words...

2005-05-21T10:06:00.000-07:00

SCENE I

It was a non-working weekend for me which is rare in itself. I just got up and was starting to make my morning cup of coffee. The kids are up and demanding breakfast. It's a nice day out and I'm thinking we could go out and do something for the day... My thoughts were interrupted with somebody walking in that is definitely not part of my rare weekend off.

"What are you doing here?", I said while looking at my two kids.

"I'm in the neighborhood so I decided to drop by and see how you guys are doing.", he said. "Would you guys like to go out for the day, you know just driving around, have fun?", he asked the kids. The kids of course jumped up and down saying they'd love that, while asking me if they can go.

"Of course", I said. "Go get your stuff ready, but don't be too late", I added.

"I was hoping you'd be coming with us", he said quietly.

The kids became more excited, probably thinking that it's going to be a real family outing for all of us. I told the kids to go to their room and get ready. Once they're out of earshot I asked,

"Why do you have to invite me in front of the kids? You know as well as I do that they'd be too excited at the prospect of a family day that I won't have the guts to say no."

"I was hoping you'd see it that way too. That way, you'd have no choice but to come with us. I just wanted to have the time to talk to you and this seems like the best idea," he said.

I looked at him curiously as warning signals flashed in my head. There was something different about him, but do I want to know. Then I told myself, what the heck, might as well find out what he's up to. I went to my room to change.

In the car, the kids are all smiles asking where we're going. He told them, wherever they want which added to their excitement. We stopped by at McDonald's for breakfast while the two fight it out as to where to go. They finally decided to go to a theme park.

Once we got there, there was really nothing for us adults to do but to follow them around making sure they get on and off the rides safely. And so it went, the children walking up front and the adults walking behind.

After some time, I finally asked,
"So what was it that you wanted to talk about? You really didn't have to take us out to talk to me, you could have done that at home."

"I know", he said. "But I wanted to do this. I wanted to know what it feels like to have a whole family having a fun day out in the sun."

"Then you should have taken your wife instead of me. That should give you your family. I'm not part of it," I said.

"But she's not the mother of my kids, you are. So if I wanted to feel what it's like to have a whole family, it has to be you," he said.

Warning bells are going crazy in my head. I know I should just walk out and let him take the kids home. That would be the safe thing to do. But I'm never known to do what is safe, so I press on.

"Exactly where is this conversation going?" I asked even though I dread what the answer might be.

"We've separated. I'll be filing for annulment next week. Things haven't been good between the two of us mainly because we couldn't have kids of our own," he said.

"Should that really be a problem? You have kids and she's welcome to them. I don't have any complaints with how she's treating my children. Shouldn't that work good for both of you, not really being strapped with kids, since both of you work a lot," I said hoping this would solve their problem and I don't have to hear any more about it. Since he doesn't know that I know exactly why she can't have kids, this conversation is way too weird to me.

"The children are actually the main reason why we've lasted this long. If they weren't there I doubt it if we would have lasted. But the burden of taking care of someone else's kids has been getting to her especially when she couldn't have her own. She keeps hoping that one day she'd have her own to take care of but it hasn't come yet, now she doubts if it ever will. Now the reason that kept us together is also the reason that is driving us apart," he said sadly.

"Is having kids the only reason why you two got together in the first place? I naturally thought that love is somehow involve in this. So, if both of you love each other, then kids or no kids should not be a problem. There's always adoption if she really wants a kid for her own, though why she'd want to adopt with these two around her, I don't know," I tried flippantly.

Now, I'm really having a heavy feeling about this entire situation. Do I have to be the one to hear about their marital problems? Not only do I not trust him but I do happen to be his ex-wife. This situation is sounding weirder by the minute.

"I wish it were," he said. "Can I ask a favor from you?" he asked. "Can I see the kids more often? drop by more often just to be with them or take them out? I need something comforting nowadays and being with the kids is the best," he said.

Now I'm thinking I really want to run and hide. This cannot be good. Everything in me is saying there's more to this than meets the eye. Got to be very careful, something stinks with this whole scenario that I can't quite put my finger on.

What elese can I say but sure, no problem. He did not exactly say anything that I can object to. But there's a sinking feeling at the back of my head. An idea as to where exactly he wants this situation to lead to. But then, my mind is always ahead of everybody else's and right now I have no proof that this is going to unfold as I thought it would, so I kept quiet and raised my guard.

As expected, the kids had a great time. I probably would have had a great time too if it weren't for the fact that I have to watch my ex-husband carefully. He just seems too attentive to me for my own comfort. Not too overly attentive for me to comment on it, but just enough to get my antenna up. For his part, he did look like he had fun. A safe guess would be he's trying to get what he has to do out of his mind. On the other hand, he might actually be cooking up a different thing altogether, which I'm more inclined to believe than the first one.

And so the day ended and he took us home and he left.

SCENE II

I woke up with the smell of coffee. Disoriented, I sat up in bed trying to figure out if I'd actually woken up earlier, put the coffee machine on and fell back to sleep. Then the smell of breakfast hit me and I told myself - no you couldn't have done that too, now get up and find out what's going on. I can hear my kids whispering as they move about and thought to myself, hmmm, they're making breakfast? So I moved quietly towards the kitchen to see what they're up to only to stop on my tracks when I heard another voice, familiar, but it certainly doesn't belong in my kitchen, in the morning, before I even had my coffee. I gave up the quiet mode and just simply walked in, it is my kitchen after all.

Everybody stopped what they were doing when I walked in. The children looked guilty as hell standing there with plates on their hands. My ex-husband stood there with that stupid smile on his face that he has when he's caught red handed. The eggs almost burned had I not seen it on time to rescue it. I did not say anything. I don't trust myself to say anything good at this point. I'm waiting for someone to explain to me what is going on in my own house.

My ex-husband finally opened his mouth to say something, probably because he knows I won't be the one to break that uneasy silence.

"I woke up early, haven't been sleeping right the last couple of days so I went here thinking I should save you the trouble to having to do anything. I made breakfast, we were actually hoping you'd sleep through it till we're done so the kids can surprise you with breakfast in bed." I stayed quiet. "Then I'm thinking I can take the kids off your hand for the day so you can do whatever you like, go shopping, get your hair done or something..." his voice trails off as he tries to see if he can figure out what I'm about to do to him.

He handed me my coffee and I have half the mind to throw it at his face which I didn't. So I sat down and took a sip, looking at my children's worried faces. I gave them a look that said I'll deal with you two later.

"Might as well eat, breakfast is no good cold," I said. The children relaxed and started their chatter again.

I looked squarely at my ex-husband and said, "what exactly are you trying to do here?"

"Just wanted to give you a real day off," he said smiling innocently. "How's the coffee? he asked.

"Fine." I said.

So we ate breakfast together that morning, the first after I walked out on him.

After breakfast, they told me to go to the living room and relax while they clean up the dishes. So armed with another cup of coffee I sat down on the couch facing the garden deep in thought as to what is going on that I should know about. I know at the back of my mind where this is leading but somehow I refuse to believe that it is actually happening. Not to me.

The children went to their room to get ready. He came and sat down next to me.

"Want a fresh cup?" pointing to my cold coffee. Gave the cup to him thinking what the heck, you want to wait on me? go ahead. So he got up and got me some more coffee.

When he came back I told him "I know what you're trying to do here. I don't trust you. You can have all the time you want with the kids but don't include me in it. I'm not interested."

He sighed. "I know that. Just give me the chance to do what I never did for you before. That's all I ask. The children are really happy that we are doing things together."

"And I'm suppossed to be okay with that?" I asked. "I'm suppossed to let you put ideas into the children's head, give them hope that eventually everything will be as it was? I'm supposssed to let you let them think that we might actually be getting back together?! Are you out of your mind?! I don't believe we're even discussing this!"

"Like I said, I'm not asking for anything, just the chance to do things right. It doesn't have to be what you're thinking, just a chance, please," he said quietly.

Just then the kids came out all ready to go. They looked at us questioningly as if trying to see if we've been arguing and the trip has been cancelled.

I stood up, gave them both a kiss and told them to have a good time. I walked them to the door. He turned and said, "Thank you."

I closed the door, walked back to the couch, sat down and asked God what I did to deserve this.

words are not enough

2005-05-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

Two weeks passed with me not writing anything down. Does that mean I ran out of things to say? On the contrary, I think it's because this time words are not enough. Words are not sufficient to effectively express how I feel. But I guess I should at least try. It's like putting a face to the enemy so to speak.

And what exactly am I talking about? A dream. Seemingly innocent, something that is so remote that I should not even be bothered to remember. But here I am, remembering, and fearing that it might happen. Fearing it so much that I asked my best friend to pray that it doesn't come to pass. Hoping that by our combined efforts, the karma that envelops them would be lifted.

empty day

2005-04-30T20:06:00.000-07:00

Oh dear, I feel kind of empty today. For some reason, I'm sort of drained of any kind of emotion. I guess I'm in a suspended animation phase. A wait and see kind of game after having a conversation with my ex-husband. This conversation reinforces my lack of trust for a man who wanted revenge because I walked out on him years ago. He did not really say anything bad. In fact we were both very civil, even to the point of talking about old friends and acquaintances that we haven't seen. We even shared a couple of laughs about certain situations that we got ourselves into. But it's in these kinds of situations where my senses get heightened. I wished it were not so, but...

May

2005-04-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

The month of May approaches. Towards the end of that month, it will be his birthday again. Normally, I'd always wonder what he would look like, but this year, I'm afraid to wonder. I have seen a recent photo of him somewhere and I kid you not, in the photo he looked like half the man he used to be. Granting he is much older now, but he did not grow old gracefully as I always thought he would. He looked like his years and it doesn't look like the years have been kind. I can always say that maybe I'm not as blinded as before when I see him now, but I'm never one to delude myself. He was not exactly the handsome type, but he does have some charm, and his smile always seem to light up the room. Or is it because I was in love? (is "was" the operative word, I wonder?) Maybe that's part of the reason why I don't want to wonder what he looks like anymore. Maybe I want to preserve the image that I have of him in my mind. Or is it that I'm starting not to care?

I will never be able to deny that I fell in love, that I suffered because of it, and that I've hurt other people because of what I felt. I know in my heart that I will never forget that face and that smile, and the memories. Some hurt run too deep for that, to deny it would leave me incomplete. Time heals all wounds they say (maybe), and all that is left are scars to remind us that once in the past we loved... and lost.

No, I don't need to see him to remind myself what used to be. I know. Just as I know years from now I will still remember it like yesterday, because it is part of what I have become.

realization

2005-04-23T22:58:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog, I thought I can just pick up where I left off when it comes to my writing. I was wrong. More importantly, I failed to forsee that in starting this blog, I would have to go through memories, though not forgotten, were safely tucked away in my mind.

It took me a long time to get to where I am now. A long time and a lot of help from friends who won't let me be in a perpetual state of despair. And now that I have started again on life, something else is catching up on me. I have been so consumed with my pain, that I failed to acknowledge a gift being handed to me. Slowly, little by little, bits and pieces keep reminding me of what I gave up simply because I was too blind to see.

I lost the first time because I fought to keep it. Now I feel I've lost again because I failed to see what was in front of me.

missing a dear friend...

2005-04-23T22:28:00.000-07:00

I went to the Festival of Books today at UCLA. I haven't gone in the last two years so I was quite excited about it. As I went around from booth to booth, I have this feeling that something isn't quite right. I actually finished my round in less than two hours, which is very unusual since I love browsing through books. I went back to the car to leave my purchases, thinking I should go around one more time in case I see something else I like. I had a quick lunch before I went back to browse some more. As I was walking around, I kept wondering what was bothering me and then it hit me. The very first booth I went to has a book by Neil Gaiman, it was the Sandman, signed. I wanted to buy it but didn't, not because of the price, but because I have no one to give it to. The first time I went to the Festival of Books, it took me a long time to go through all the booths because I was looking for books that I can send to a very dear friend of mine. This time I'm only doing it for myself. Then I felt it, a very deep loss that left me more confused than hurt. The pain came later and with it more confusion. Did I make the right decision of letting him go? Did I hurt him needlessly and only now realized that in doing so I have also hurt myself? I don't have an answer now as I never had any answers before. Maybe I am really just missing a very dear friend... I certainly do not want to go beyond that. I have lost my right a long time ago.

what matters most

2005-04-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

It's not how long we held each other's hand
What matters is how well we loved each other
It's not how far we travelled on our way
Of what we found to say
It's not the spring you see, but all the shades of green

It's not how long I held you in my arms
What matters is how sweet the years together
It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall
The early morning smiles we tearfully recall
What matters most is that we loved at all.

It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall
The early morning smiles we tearfully recall
What matters most is that we loved at all.

What matters most is that we loved at all.

A song by Kenny Rankin, I found out that not too many people knew about this song. I would probably have forgotten about it too had it not been for the words that reminds me so painfully of someone. As some would undoubtedly say, it is better to have loved and lost, than never have loved at all. Maybe... but then again maybe not. We are only able to say this simply because we don't have a choice anymore. I have loved and lost, but is it better? No matter how far I've traveled, no matter how many springtimes gave way to fall, and no matter how much tears I've shed, I still haven't found the "better" part of it. The song is probably more accurate in saying that "what matters most is that we loved at all." It's not better but to be able to say that "I have loved" is an experience that not everyone can claim.

what started it all... again

2005-04-18T22:55:00.000-07:00

As I have said I stopped writing anything for a long time. So what started me down that road again? It was a story about sunset written by a friend of a very dear friend. He, for some reason did not finish his story and wanted people who visits his blog to write an ending for him. After reading his story, I felt that I should at least try... so I wrote stories for my friend who's always been there helping me get through my life and my pain at the cost of his own.

I wished I could have helped him with his pain, but like I've said, wishing was never my forte.

moments of weakness

2005-04-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

Eight years, six months and counting... Whose counting?

It's been so long, but it still seems like yesterday. I can see his face, his smile that I love so much in the privacy of my mind. I can hear his laughter in the silence of my solitude. Why do my memories of him remain vivid in my mind when all else that happened has faded into nothing?

I might have moved on, and moved so far away, but I can still feel the pain, perhaps it will never really go away. Life goes on and so must we, but what happens when a part of you remains? Forever reliving that moment when love touched the heart. How can one let go of a memory without losing oneself altogether? I have lost and I am lost with only my memories to keep me company.

I've grown older, body, heart and soul. And now I'm weary, but still I move on until the time comes when I could no longer do so. Maybe then my memories will bring me comfort instead of pain. Maybe then love will finally find me again.

new horizons

2005-04-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

to distant shores away i go
to live my life forget my woes
to find the dream that i once lost
to find the love who'll make me whole...

This was something i wrote not so long ago. Had to think fast because I'm posting it on a poetry site. Few months later I received a notice that my untitled and unfinished work will somehow find its way in a coffee book. A few more weeks after that, I got another letter saying it won the Editor's Choice Award. Gee! maybe I really should take this seriously...

silent voices

2005-04-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

"Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent."

- Ludwig Wittgenstein

Most of the time it happens, not because you lack of something to say, but because you lack the means to express yourself clearly. Most people will choose to remain silent than to be misunderstood, but then even silence is often misunderstood.